The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I rekindled a friendship with Joey, a guy I used to like in junior high school. We hung out for a few weeks, and it was fun. We were reminiscing about the past, and that makes me smile. We're talking about junior high school, and actually talked about how we both liked each other back then. Joey said, "I'm surprised we never dated." So we decided then to start dating. Unfortunately, I'm leaving in a few months for college in another state, and he realized that dating would be a bad idea because of the long distance. He told me that he cares more about our friendship and doesn't want anyone getting hurt. He said, "You're the kind of girl I would date, and it stinks that you're leaving." You can just imagine how frustrated in capital letters I am. He's an amazing guy, and the timing is all off again. Capital letters. We haven't hung out since. We've talked a little. Both of our lives are busy and complicated. We didn't talk about our serious feelings in person because we never had time to. I have so many things I want to say to him. I want to let it all out. I'm not sure if I should, though, especially since I'm moving and nothing could ever happen between us. Should I tell him how I feel or keep it to myself? What should I do?

Amy? I'll pause on that for a moment. Think of what you would advise, Amy, or what you've done in similar situations. So here's my thought, that this is personal, Amy, it's truly your choice and it's optional. The key point is you want to ask yourself some questions. You want to introspect so that you understand why you're making the choice, either to date him, Joey, or not date Joey. So if you avoid breaking—let's say that you decide to go the route, I'm going to not date him, because I don't want to have to go through a breakup with him. I don't ever want to be hurt. I don't want to—I just don't want to go through that pain. And then, what policy are you giving yourself as a guide in life?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

I just don't want to go through that pain. And then, what policy are you giving yourself as a guide in life? Don't get hurt; avoid pain. Is that the policy? If that's the policy, you might want to rethink that. You can also ask yourself the question, what would be the benefit of dating him? Well, let's start with not dating him. Well, maybe we could have a friendship that's enduring and that we can date later, maybe after college, or maybe later on in college. Maybe he'll come out to—he'll end up being in the same state, the same college, and we could date then. Well, if you're looking longer range, you might not end up with that policy of avoiding hurt through life because you'll never get to values if you're always avoiding risk or hurt. If you ask yourself the benefit of dating, you can tell yourself that dating is not marrying. Dating is dating. And I can tell you that my husband and I, before we met each other, dated a lot. In those days, you didn't go out in groups; you dated. You know, I would date one person one night, another person the next night. And they all knew about it because they were dating one girl one night, another girl another night. And you were exploring relationships. And of course, if you found someone that you really liked, then you could go steady, and then you got into a committed relationship for a period of time, and then you would break up, and you'd feel hurt, and you'd both move on and date someone else. So dating is dating, and you learn a lot about yourself when you date. You learn a lot about the other person and what you value in another person when you date. You learn a lot about what you don't like in another person when you date, and you're still very young, so Joey has a lot of good qualities, and you can get to know Joey better in layers, and you certainly can date and then put it off. And you know, part ways, knowing that you will date other people, and if it's strong enough, you might come back to one another if you discover things in one another that are relationship breakers or not quite what you're looking for, or you're too young, then you can lovingly part ways.

In my book, I have Dr. Locke, and I wrote a book, The Selfish Path to Romance, which means the self-valuing path to romance for both partners. We talk about how to part ways without doing damage to yourself or to the other, not making it a self-esteem issue. So you could have a few months of dating. You can grow and learn about yourselves and about relationships. You can learn about communication. You can learn what values are similar with Joey's and what differ. And you're learning lifetime skills, whether it's with Joey or another partner, and you can have my husband's policy. When he dated, he always said the policy, including when he came to my door and knocked on the door to date me for the first time: nothing ventured, nothing gained. And I am really glad he had that policy of not avoiding pain because I have a loving relationship for decades.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. And I heard one of my favorite speakers say, ask the question. His name is Dr. Gatte. Say, ask the question, what do you truly want from life, and why? What do you truly want? You know, ask yourself, what do I truly want from life, and why not? What should I want from life? Not, what do my parents want me to have for my own life and why? But what do I truly want for my life and why? And many people draw a blank in therapy when I'd ask people, what do they want most out of life, or what's most important to them? Some said, "I never gave myself permission to ask myself that. I was always thinking of others." You do want to ask yourself that incredibly wonderful question: what do you want from life and why?

And Dr. Gatte continues that it's not a settled question. You keep asking it because I can look at myself over the years. What I've wanted from life has changed, changed as I've grown. You know, from my childhood years to my adult years, changed as my values changed. You know, there was a time in my life when I loved ice skating. I loved going skating. And now that's not currently a hobby. I love ballroom dancing. So hobbies change. Interests change. Maybe careers change. You know, you try a career that you think you were once passionate about, and you no longer are.

And then the third thing that Dr. Gatte said, not just the question, what do you want from life and why? Second is that it's not a settled question. You keep asking yourself that question. And the third point he makes is that answering the question is not something we do instantaneously. You want to spend time and put in the necessary effort to answer that question. You want to think about it from all different aspects. You can think about it as a faceted jewel—your values, what you like in life—and then look at it from all different contexts. How will that mesh with having a marriage? Say, if you want a career that may not mesh well with a marriage, or maybe it does mesh well with a marriage. How does it mesh? How does maybe spending time with your kids mesh with your romantic relationship? Are you spending too much time with your kids and not enough on your romantic relationship? And you're feeling guilty? You want to be able to answer those questions for yourself very privately. I mean, you can share them with friends or loved ones, but really giving yourself the time to introspect, to ask yourself the question, to ask more questions on relying it until you feel like you have a good guide in life. You have the direction you want to go in.

And then, of course, it requires a lot of skills. So that's a little gem that I got from Dr. Gatte.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

It is very effective to try to resolve disagreements non-aggressively. However, there is an exception to this method. If your partner has committed a real moral betrayal, such as adultery, physically hurting you, or stealing money from you, it is fully understandable to show genuine moral outrage and not worry about a constructive discussion initially, assuming you know all the relevant facts. However, it's still more self-respecting and productive to take some time alone to think before engaging in any discussion with your partner. This will give you time to consider if you want this relationship at all.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.