The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free. Dr. Kenner.com.

Kevin, you're dealing with an intimacy problem. Well, yes.

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, I have problems with, as far as I mean, I guess my wife thinks that I want to be with her when I really do, and things just don't happen.

When you guys are together?

Yes. What evidence does she give you, apart from the physical evidence that where she thinks that you don't want to be with her?

I think it's more me. It just, you know, it'll start out like things are going to happen fine, and then it doesn't happen.

So partly, it's you allowing yourself to think what's going through my mind, and if she's feeling like, oh my gosh, he must not like me because he doesn't feel turned on by me or he doesn't feel emotionally connected with me enough to want intimacy with me, then you know that that's going to make you feel how?

Well, I don't know. It makes me feel nervous.

Yeah, everything goes out.

Right? That's exactly right. So if it's what's called performance anxiety, meaning, oh my God, I need to perform, if you put pressure on yourself. Is that a sexy thought? No. And so when we have those interrupting thoughts, which, guess how many people have? Guess how common it is?

I don't know.

Extremely common. I know, and everybody who has it hates it. That's why it's called performance anxiety. You know, people hate public speaking. And guess what? In intimacy, it's not so much public speaking, but if you're sitting there as a judge and jury of yourself, and you're being a critical person, you're criticizing yourself. Oh my God, what if I don't? What if? What will she think? What will my future be? Will she want to stay with me? You know, those type of thoughts? Am I the type of man she wants? Do I have enough hair? And you know, I could get more graphic, but I won't. But when any of us have those thoughts, and it's women too, oh my gosh, maybe I'm not big enough, or maybe I'm not that. I'm not blonde enough, or not what he's looking for. Maybe I'm not sexy enough, or I don't make enough noise. And you know, all of that is cancer to romance, to intimacy.

Jenny, when you first met, were you attracted to one another?

Well, yeah, just.

I just, there's certain times I just, I mean, I mean, I guess, but she wants to, and I don't want to, and oh, it doesn't happen.

Are there times that you want to eat pizza and she doesn't want to?

Yeah, or you want ice cream and she's not in the mood?

Okay? Sex is no different. Intimacy is no different. There are times that I can catch my husband, and he just isn't in the mood; he's in the middle of a computer program, and see if you could interrupt him, and I can't. And there are times when I am just doing my billing, or I'm doing something, and it just isn't the right setting, the right timing, or the right mood, when you can be at home with one another and feel secure that the emotional intimacy is there, that you value each other, and you can give yourselves, both of you, more flexibility.

And it's okay not to be in the mood. It's okay, but you want to give each other. If my husband said, "Ellen, I'm not in the mood" over and over again, then what am I going to think? That it might be me, or maybe there's a secretary at work, or maybe there's, I don't know, a woman at the donut shop. You know, I'm going to, my mind's going to start to wander because why wouldn't he be attracted to me? And of course, if I let myself get real dumpy and smelly and the rest, he's not going to be attracted, but that's obvious. If you guys can get comfortable with just being open about the fact that you love each other, and you can show that in many different ways, and that it's okay not to be in the mood.

Well, I mean, I guess the problem is, is that sometimes the I'm I want to be in the mood, but I'm not in the mood. I guess I'm in whatever.

Okay, so you're mixed. Part of you is in the mood, and part isn't.

I guess. I mean, it's like, I want to do it.

Okay.

How old are you?

Kevin, 42.

42?

Okay, guess what? Starts to happen.

It's hard for any of us to keep that arousal. How long have you been married?

Ballpark, okay, so in longer-term marriages, it's hard because, hey...

I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? This selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

So in longer-term marriages, it's hard because the sameness sets in. It's the same way, same position, same time. Or, you know, it's hard to keep it vibrant for couples. That's one problem. Another problem is just physiology and age. Our bodies don't respond as if we're a teenager. My guess is when you were a teenager, you responded a tad differently.

Yeah.

Okay, so partly, it's just welcoming the aging process and using some aids, if you're comfortable with that, you know, this Cialis and Viagra, and you know, there are things that can help with that.

So that...

Go ahead.

I guess my problem with that would be is I really don't feel comfortable telling my doctor that, yeah, I would like to have this and that, like that, that.

Okay.

I don't know that I need it.

Okay.

It's not going to get better. My guess is you're not going to turn into a teenager again, but you can play around with that. Sometimes thoughts can override things. So partly, every doctor has seen every part of many bodies. So certainly doctors, most doctors, I would think all of them, are comfortable with you asking about Viagra, Cialis, and you know, we're in that age range, and I'm very happy about it, and I can talk about it on air, so I don't care. You know, it's a fact of nature, and it's not something to be ashamed of, and if it would help you, you know, run it as an experiment.

Of course, I can't prescribe or anything, but it's something certainly to share with your doctor. And just say this is an uncomfortable topic, and you can ask him to ask you.

I wrote a book with my co-author, Dr. Ed Lock, and it's got kind of a catchy title, meaning my parents won't feel comfortable with it. It's called The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. And by selfish, we don't mean the mean, rotten way to romance. We mean the self-esteem, self-nurturing, self-valuing way to romance for both you and your wife. And we talk about long-term, longer-term relationships, how to maintain and keep the intimacy going over a longer period of, you know, over a lifetime.

And that takes thinking, that takes effort, that takes knowledge, that takes dealing with the physiology, that takes dealing with any performance anxiety, lightening it up a bit, finding something that you can play with, even some toys, if you know what I'm talking about, you might enjoy, or she might enjoy. You can try some new things. I don't know if you play around with any fantasies. I don't mean acting them out in real life, but, you know, there could be some fun that you could introduce or reintroduce back in that would make it a little spicier, but don't put the pressure on yourself either.

So I recommend our book. We deal with a lot of the issues. You can go to Amazon and just go to Dr. Ellen Kenner or Ed Lock: A Selfish Romance.

Listen, thank you so much for your call.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Why doesn't he let you do what you want?

Daniel, tell him off.

Couldn't get any worse. Hope that's rich, like you guys tell your parents off, Mr. Future Lawyer and Mr. Future Banker. Okay, so I don't like it any more than you do.

Well, just don't tell me how to talk to my father. You guys are the same way.

All right, all right.

And have you had problems with your parents? Maybe when you were growing up, you had an over-controlling father or a mom. It could be your mom who's the guilty partner, and you just wanted to speak up. There was so much you wanted to say, but you didn't know how to say it. It would come out rough, and then you'd feel even more guilty, or you would just stuff it and feel like you were going to explode, and you may now find it hard to speak up. You don't want to carry those damaging moments through your whole life. You want to be able to process them and figure out, learn assertiveness skills, and figure out how to communicate in a way that doesn't keep you bottled up and doesn't make you into an aggressive person.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Some conflict is inevitable in all relationships. Even though you may be similar to your partner in many fundamental respects, inevitably, there will be differences in beliefs, values, interests, preferences, tastes, habits, attitudes, and personality traits. Partners will differ in communication skills and styles and in habitual methods of thinking. Sometimes differences are a source of interest and excitement. For example, an introverted partner may admire how an extroverted mate is so at ease in social situations, or one's partner's interests stimulate the development of similar interests in the other. And many differences that conflict with one's own preferences can be ignored if they are not important enough to make an issue of.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.