The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

I am going to turn to a romantic topic, and this is one that puts smiles on my face, because I think all of us have had the experience in our dating years, or maybe even now, when you worried, oh my gosh, I hope I didn't get her pregnant. This is if you're a guy, or, oh my gosh, I hope I didn't get pregnant. And it's very traumatizing, and you worry, you worry, and then you breathe a sigh of relief when you find out you're not pregnant, or that she's not pregnant. I know in teenage when I've worked with teenagers that had been a has been a concern in therapy and even adults. You know, I don't want to be pregnant. I've already had my family. What do I do?

So here is a question from Joey, hi, Doc. I am having obsessive thoughts. I had some mild sexual contact, but no actual sex, with a neighborhood female friend about a year and a half ago, she was slightly obese and she had some belly fat. So you know where this is going. When I saw her five months later, she had a big belly, I was so worried that she was pregnant. So you can imagine this poor guy. He's just looking his thing. I didn't even have sex with her, but we did fool around a bit and oh my gosh, I'm what if, what if? And that thought is traumatizing him. So let me continue with his question. Now, more than a year has passed and she has not had a baby, but I keep worrying that maybe I got her pregnant. I now look at random obese girls with fat bellies, trying to figure out the difference between a fat belly and a pregnant belly. I recognize that there's no need to do this. I should just forget that incident, right? Joey, so Joey, you just answered your question, right? And I wish it were that easily said and done. And sometimes just hearing that you can release it, it's like, oh, I never had to carry that burden. She wasn't pregnant, and let's take a closer look at that, though. So I you know, it's perfectly understandable that you're worried about, oh my gosh, Is she pregnant? And hopefully it informs you in the future. It doesn't inform you in the way of saying, I'll never have sex again, because I never want to be traumatized like this, that would not be a good outcome. It's that I want to choose carefully, and I want to take precautions, and I want to be very thoughtful in romance or in when to cross the line and with whom and is it in a romantic relationship that I'd enjoy, and so you want to do a lot of good thinking before you cross that line, and you know your experience will hopefully give you that gift. In fairness, many people have that worry, as I mentioned, and the skills that you need are, number one, looking at the facts. You have all the facts, and you know them so well. Number one, you didn't have intercourse with her. Number two, she's overweight, and when people are overweight, sometimes they go up a little more, and sometimes they go they lose a few pounds, and they might gain a few pounds. And that is different from being pregnant, and I can see how it traumatized you. But you want to be able to not torture yourself every time you see someone who's a little obese and trying to think, oh my god, could they be pregnant too? And how do you tell the third thing is, it's already been a year and a half and she didn't have a child. So you can put your head on your pillow tonight and get a good night's sleep, if you'll allow yourself to do that. Now, as I said earlier. It's easier said than done, even though, on part of your mind already knows, hey, I don't have to worry about this anymore. I can let it go. You've built up a thought habit you've practiced, you know, when you practice anything, you become good at it. When you practice anxiety, you become good at it. And when you want to reduce your anxiety, you want to practice the skills that can relieve that anxiety. So the facts are one of your most potent skills that you have to reduce your anxiety. She's not pregnant. You don't have to worry about it. You also want to use something that you already did. You want to change what you say to yourself instead of, oh my god. What if, all of those, what if thoughts, I even call it omg, wi Oh my god. What if, because that's what leads to an anxious thought, we think of something negative instead of that, you want to be able to say to yourself what you already did. I recognize there's no need to worry. I can let it go. I should just forget that incident, or I can just forget that incident and just let that incident fade little by little into the past. If you can let it fade a big chunk into the past and just make it history all at once. In rare occasions, people can do that, but if you can't, don't beat up on yourself. And you know, just my telling you this may not be enough. You can also consider therapy, especially cognitive therapy. You can go to the website, Academy of ct.org A, C, A, D, E, M, y, of C T for cognitive therapy.org, and they, they you can find a therapist in your neck of the woods. They have therapists all over the world, and they what cognitive therapy will offer you are great thinking skills to get rid of what what we call stinking thinking, or stinking thinking, just thinking that we get trapped in these loops of thoughts that are just pulling us down. And how do you change your thinking so you can change your mood? Well, David Burns has a very good book too, when panic attacks, that's a good resource. And there's a phenomenal resource, mind over mood, by Christine podetsky and Dennis Greenberger. Those are on my website. Dr kenner.com, D, R, k, e n, n, e r.com, and I would love to help you rescue your sexual life. I alluded to it, but I wrote a book with Dr Ed lock, the selfish path to romance, how to love with passion and reason. And that does not mean the mean rotten way to romance. It means taking care of yourself, the self nurturing, self esteem, self respecting way to romance. And that means for both partners, for you and your partner, and that you can see on amazon.com. Again, the selfish path to romance for more Dr Kenner podcast, go to Dr kenner.com.