The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here's a question I received from someone just getting out of a divorce and wanting to meet new people. His name is Highly Motivated. Hello, Dr. Kenner. I’m a man just getting through a divorce, separated over a year and nearing the completion of the legal work. I want to meet new women. Early on, I had one post-separation fling, but it was dissatisfying and superficial, and I'd rather not do that again. That being said, I want to have fun and meet new people, maintain my values, my honesty, and yet I know I’m not ready for full-out romance. Basically, I’m unsure how to handle the stigma of being recently divorced while also wanting companionship and fun. I’m having trouble meeting my goals. How do I meet new people and be true to myself? I pride myself on being honest, and yet that pride seems to be scaring people off. Is there a better way to keep my values and not scare people off?

Well, first, why don’t I call you John here instead of Highly Motivated? First, John, you do want to scare some people off—the people who aren’t interested in you. You don’t want to waste your time with them. So, if I were recently divorced, or if my husband had died and I was not quite ready for romance but definitely wanted companionship, I would want to rule out a lot of people who don’t want me. If they don’t want somebody whose husband died or someone who’s been through a divorce, they’re not going to be a good companion for me. I need to strengthen myself to handle that type of rejection. Then, I can put out feelers and meet people. If I can be honest, I don’t have to betray myself. I could say, “Hey, I’m just going through a divorce, and this is what I’m looking for. I want companionship. I’m not ready to jump into a serious relationship yet. I don’t think it would be fair to me or the other person. If it develops that way, so be it, but I would enjoy friendship and companionship. If you’re up for that, I’d enjoy going out to dinner or seeing a movie this weekend.”

With this approach, you have your honesty there. You’re not deceiving them. If someone says, “No, thank you,” or “Oh, who is this dude?” then good—you rule them out. Don’t beat yourself up for that. You’re presenting yourself as who you are. If you lied and said you wanted a serious relationship, you’d create a huge problem by deceiving them and living a double life within yourself. Don’t do that, and I don’t think you would because you’re an honest person.

Another point: how do you get over the stigma of a divorce? Some people need to go through a grieving process. Divorce rarely runs smoothly. Often, there’s a lot of pain. If you see yourself as damaged goods filled with a lot of baggage, you’ll want to work through that baggage so you know what you’re looking for. Learn from your missteps in the divorce and move on. If you reframe it as a learning experience, the marriage was a learning experience, and you’re coming out stronger. Ending an unsatisfying relationship was a rational choice, and you grew from it. Then there’s no stigma. So many people are divorced nowadays. If you encounter someone who reacts negatively, it’s their issue, not yours. Maybe they had a bad experience with divorce in their family, but it says nothing about you. Don’t damage yourself with that mindset.

I recommend my book with Ed Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. In it, “selfish” means self-valuing, self-respecting—not taking advantage of anyone else. We have a whole section on finding your soulmate, understanding your emotions, and choosing the right partner. I hope that helps, and good luck with it.

Here’s another question I received. This is from a woman with anxiety issues. Her legs shake, especially in public places. She recently started college and finds it difficult to concentrate with the anxiety. What should she do?

I would recommend Study Methods and Motivation by Ed Locke if she’s in school, as proper motivation is essential for giving yourself direction. Anxiety comes from uncertainty, especially about big things—career, friendships, or feeling judged. Ask yourself a lot of questions. That book was helpful to me during college. Additionally, consider cognitive therapy. Another excellent resource is Mind Over Mood, available on my website, DrKenner.com. Explore your anxiety: when do you feel most anxious, what thoughts go through your mind? Also, look at the moments when you feel more relaxed and at peace. Anxiety has a cause, and cognitive therapy can help. If you think, “Oh, my God, what if…,” take a close look at those thoughts. Get Mind Over Mood and learn to do a thought record.

For more of Dr. Kenner’s podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:
Most couples make precious little time for romantic moments. Making a relationship work and keeping the romance alive takes motivation, time, planning, and communication. Even small misunderstandings can destroy your romantic moments, and accumulated, festering misunderstandings can destroy your romance. When juggling dual careers, work schedules, kids, bills, in-laws, email, laundry, dishes, and exercise, how do you find time for romance? Notice the phrasing: “spare time.” What ranking was romance assigned in terms of priorities? Active, productive people need to make time for sex, but intimacy shouldn’t be relegated to “spare time.”

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy the book on Amazon.