The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and Amazon.com and right now,

I want to welcome Amaya to the phone. Is that your name? Amaya?
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, thank you. I got that right. And you're having some bad dreams. What's going on?
A lot of really weird, random, creepy dreams.
Creepy dreams, and you've been having them for how long?
Um, a couple years.
A couple of years, and you're how old now?
Seventeen.
And before, there was a time when you didn’t have bad dreams, correct? When you could get a good night’s sleep?
Yeah, yeah.
What do you think happened? What is your best explanation as to something that happened a couple of years ago that made your nights less pleasant?
I've been trying to figure that out.
Okay, any trauma, anything that went on that you're aware of?
Well, not something that doesn't normally affect me.
Okay, so you can't remember anything specific, correct?
Correct.
Okay, what is the essence of the dream? Can you just, in maybe a few sentences, tell me what the dreams are about?
Oh, there's a lot of anger in them.
A lot of anger, okay. Anger towards whom? Adult figures?
Adults.
Adults. And if the anger could talk, what would it say in those dreams? Your anger towards the adults?
To be quiet to them.
So they're nagging a lot?
Okay, you mentioned the word creepy, though. What makes them creepy?
It comes out in weird – the anger comes out in weird ways.
Yeah, in what ways?
Oh, more in like, an angry, scared kind of way.
Okay, so there are two emotions you're feeling: one is angry and one is scared. And if your fear could speak, if that feeling of being afraid could speak, what would that say? What are you afraid of?
Being touched, I guess.
Being touched.
Yeah.
Being touched in what way?
In an angry way.
So, has that happened in your life where an adult has hit you or physically hurt you?
Yeah.
Okay, by whom? You don’t have to say it, honey, but it’s somebody.
It's an adult in your life?
Yeah.
And they're still in your life.
Okay. If you feel that you've been abused and you feel powerless, like you can't do anything about it, I'm assuming that this is – is this physical or sexual?
Both.
Both, okay. So, you are in a different category. You definitely, if you're 17 years old, you definitely want to get help for yourself, honey, ASAP, as soon as possible. Is there a therapist or are you in school right now? Do you have a counselor that you could speak to?
I do, but when it comes to my problem, like, he doesn't know how to deal with them.
Oh, he doesn’t know how to deal with them. I’m stunned. Could he recommend a psychologist that you could go see, a therapist?
Oh, he’s tried to.
Oh, you need – he tried to. And what happened?
Okay, are you near a university where they have a teacher, like a teaching university, where they have a sliding scale?
I'm not sure.
Well, you want to call whatever state you are in, call your state Psychological Association, and explain that you are being physically and sexually abused, and that you're 17 years old, you don’t have money, and you want to know what resources are available to you. If there is a decent adult in your life, maybe a grandmother or somebody else whom you feel you could reach out to, you could work with them. They may pay your way gladly. They may know the situation. But you need to be worried about safety issues because sometimes, if the perpetrator finds out, they can get even more angry towards you. But I think if you’re looking to deal with your dreams, I think the dreams are basically sending you a message of what – to get some help for yourself, right? So if you're telling the adults to be quieter… let me just tell you something about cognitive therapy. It is a type of therapy that gives you an enormous amount of skills, thinking skills, and if you’re angry, that’s your mind's way of grasping that things are not fair. And if it’s big anger, then things are really not fair. Abuse is in the category of not fair. If you're scared, it means that you're worried, that you know you're afraid, you're fearful, you're anxious, you're uncertain about what they could do to you, and you need to be able to get some professional help from people who are on the good side, who are going to help you stand up to the perpetrator, or at least get out of the hands of the perpetrator. So, would you promise to get some help for yourself?
For me, I promise.
Okay, okay. Thank you so much for your call, and I wish you sweet dreams tonight.
You're welcome, bye.
Bye. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

And here’s an email I received from Jeff about sex. “Is it abnormal or unhealthy for a 21-year-old single male to view and masturbate to pornography on a daily basis? I’m concerned that I may have a sexual addiction.” Thanks, Jeff. My husband's response was, "Is he kidding? When I was 21, it was on an hourly basis." So I have three points to make on this, Jeff. The first one is, what type of porn are you looking at? If it is erotica, sensual, and basically – it doesn’t have to necessarily be pure vanilla, but if it’s healthy, then that’s not going to hurt you. If it’s degraded, if it’s harmful, vicious, or hurting, you definitely want to question why that’s your choice. So, I'm going to assume that it’s sensual erotica, that it’s just nice. Then, the second question is the frequency. If you’re doing it daily, meaning once or twice a day, man, that can be healthy. It can be nurturing your sexuality. More people need to do that because they lose their sexuality over time. If you can learn to be a wonderful lover, get new ideas, and learn how to enjoy your own body and how to please another partner eventually, there’s no harm with that. But if you're doing it hourly to the exclusion of your career or any real relationship, then what you're having is a pseudo-relationship with your computer screen and your mouse. The third point is values. What values are at stake? If – and I mentioned that briefly before – but if you don’t ever want to have a loving partner and just want your computer screen, that's fine. If you want a lifetime loving relationship, then you want to monitor the frequency. Make sure you leave time for that.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

“What if, as is often the case, you learn that you and your partner do not like exactly the same methods or techniques of intimacy? This is a common situation. Consider occasionally stepping out of your comfort zone and try experimenting with things your partner likes. There is great selfish pleasure in giving pleasure because you treasure your partner. But if you strongly dislike some activity, your partner needs to fully respect your right to say no. Finding different ways to give one another pleasure is an exciting part of your relationship, and when the relationship is trusting and passionate, partners are usually more willing to experiment.”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it on Amazon.com.