The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and Amazon.com.

Joe, you're dealing with divorce. You're considering a divorce.

Yes, doctor, I am. I'm in a very remote part of Vermont, driving home by myself, decided to go to a movie to step away from my wife, who just got her third charge of DUI. We have two young kids, and quite frankly, here in the last couple minutes, I appreciate timing is always wonderful for moments like this. To hear something about this, I signed the call, but frankly, I'm not happy, and I see myself having to be the chauffeur for someone who I'm not too pleased with.

Yeah, her life, potentially.

Yeah. Now, how old are your kids?

Five and two and a half.

Were they in the car?

No.

Okay, so you've got major decisions the minute you have kids that complicates the picture, but the bottom line is, you have no duty to remain married to somebody who is acting against their own self-interest in your happiness. I mean, how can you feel romantic towards someone who's coming home with their third DUI?

It's a challenge.

Yeah, it is. And I witnessed the first one or the second one. I married her. She had one on her record which I wasn't really too aware of.

You mean before you—when you dated?

No, but before I did her. She died long before me.

Oh, you know what, you are in a remote part of Vermont. Can you still hear me? Oh, you need to back up. So anyway, let me give you some—hopefully you can hear this—you can listen to a podcast at DrKenner.com. You know, when you're considering a divorce and when you've got young ones, it is a torture. I mean, you just think you want—you always dreamed of getting married and having an intact family and having it work out for yourself. And if it's not working out, what do you do? Then you really need to sit down with yourself. You need to privately sit down and figure out, why did we get married? What did I love about my wife? In this case, Joe, you can, you know, ask yourself, What did I love about my wife? Where did we go off track? Is this something that she wants to change? Would I be willing to go through the change process with her or not?

Hello?

Oh, you're back. Oh, phenomenal.

Okay, I'm still driving through some very remote part. Okay, we had a lot of deer here in Rhode Island. Do you have deer there or moose?

Those are bad words when I drive at night.

Okay, I won’t say that. If your wife had a DUI, certainly don’t want you to hit a deer. So, give me, give me. You’re saying that you've got two kids, five and two and a half, right? And what would be the reason you would stay with her?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

What would be the reason you would stay with her?

Moral obligation, religious obligation, you know, thick and thin, that type of stuff. So I was very unhappy with that phone call I got at night, and I've just been unbelievably cold in the process for a point today. I went to a movie by myself.

Okay, so if you're staying for moral or religious obligation, I would recommend that you rethink this, because I think when we get married, we marry somebody, and we have no idea what choices they will make in the future. You can never predict whether you marry a person, whether they're going to get better with time, whether you'll grow closer, or whether they will make bad choices. I mean, imagine if you married someone who was a murderer. Would you have to stay with them for moral and religious reasons? And if that's the case that you have to stay with them, you have to grin and bear it till death. Do Us Part? Man, that would certainly make me question my moral code and say, this is not a moral code. This is an inverted moral code. And you have—you want to know what morality is about. Morality is—a moral code is a guide—are you there, Joe?

First, okay, a moral code is a guide for rational action, for your action to hopefully aim towards a happier life for you, your family, your kids, your friends, your top values, your hobbies, your career, and so you need a moral code to guide your choice making so you can make better choices now that will pay off in the long run for you. And so you want to be an honest person. You want to not be drinking and driving, obviously. You want to be thinking about how to have a good career. And that requires healthy thinking and a rational moral code, not a mystical one. Mystical one—if you’re aiming for that, you're going to be trapped. So what I recommend is, I have written a book with another author, Dr. Ed Locke, and it talks about how to make yourself lovable. And you'll see if your wife is doing that. It talks about how to not become a doormat in a relationship and not to stay together when you're unhappy. You can part ways. And the book is The Selfish Path to Romance, and it’s how to love with passion and reason. And when I say the word selfish, Joe, I mean valuing yourself and your kids. I don't mean selfish in the traditional way we think of selfish—a mean person, right?

Right, right.

And that's not it. It is self-esteem—a traditional person who is self-destructive, not self-valuing. So I would recommend getting that book at DrKenner.com, d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r.com, and reading the appendix. It’s how to part ways and start over if you cease to be soulmates. So thank you so much for the call. And you have a moral right in my moral code to part ways, but you need to know how to do that. Thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner,

You going to the party?

Well, actually, I think I'm going to pass.

Oh, come on, Doc, you gotta at least have a drink. Give him a hug.

That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. Since when did we become a society of huggers? Can’t be hugged for everything nowadays? Hello. Hug. Congratulations. Hug. Nice haircut. Hug. That’s absurd.

I mean, if we want to express some real emotion for someone, I mean,

where did they have to go? You know, I think you’re way too uptight about that.

No, no, no. I see the doc's point. We all have different ways of saying goodbye, and that’s from Fraser. And it’s got me laughing, even though I've seen the episode a few times or in the past. And think about it. Are you comfortable with hugging when you meet someone? Do you go right up to them and hug them? And does it matter who it is? Are you someone who's indiscriminately hugging everybody you meet, and you write them an email and you say, hugs, everything is hugs, hugs, hugs, or lovey-dovey? Or are you someone that's a little more reserved, and you reserve those huggy, touchy-feely things for very special people in your life? And you know, we all have a certain comfort. There's almost a rhythm to what we feel comfortable with, and as long as you know why—if you're doing it because you feel you have to hug somebody, you know, old Aunt Tilda, or something that you don’t—you don’t like her, and you have to hug her though, you know, think again. Maybe there's another cordial way to greet her where it's more neutral so that you're more in tune with yourself. I know I once had a relative who would say, you know, come and give your uncle a big bear hug, and I didn't ever feel like giving my big uncle a big bear hug. And he kept making me feel guilty because I, as a little kid, just didn't quite like this uncle. He didn't do anything wrong to me. I just—I never felt warm to him. He always seemed so needy for more.

Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke,

Playfulness enhances sexual enjoyment. Playfulness may involve good-natured teasing and mutually enjoyable games, tickling with feathers, blindfolding, strip poker, but do not make sex itself into something foolish or unserious. Do not undermine your joy with mockery or with a snicker. Sex is joyful and playful but also serious in the sense that it reflects an intense and intimate form of valuing your partner; it should not be trivialized by either of you. However, what if you have a genuine complaint about something that turns you off sexually? How would you approach it positively? Try making a polite suggestion.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.