The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Mitchell, you're finding that nothing is interesting to you.

Yes, ma'am, yeah.

Tell me. Tell me what's going on that's bothering you the most.

I went out this weekend with someone that I did, in fact, care about a great deal,

someone you dated and you really value.

Yes, ma'am, okay,

and well, we had the most wonderful time ever, and it was just amazing. Yeah, the end of the evening, she decided that she didn't think we needed to see each other again, because she said that she thought she felt for me the same way I did for her, but now she didn't.

So she—something changed in that evening. You were not on the same wavelength. You thought you were on the same wavelength, and she was processing it differently. She was finding some information that made her want to break off the relationship.

I think that may have possibly been the case, but I don't understand what that is.

Okay. Then not understanding is what drives us all crazy. You know, I've had guys break up with me. I'm long married now, but believe me, I can remember back to my dating years, and the pain is excruciating. I remember going to a psychiatrist's office once after a breakup of a relationship in college, Mitchell, and you're saying that you just feel like nothing's interesting. Well, you're feeling bummed out, you're feeling hurt, you're feeling perplexed, you don't know what's going on. That's how I felt. And in the old days, guess what? They

did?

What?

They told me to take a Valium, one Valium. I think he gave me two Valiums, and that was it. They didn't care what the content was. He just said, "Go take a pill." Well, pills do not teach skills. And I've learned that, and I've loved learning how to use my mind better. And you need to make yourself stronger, that even if somebody rejects me, Ellen, I don't want to reject me. I do want to try to make sense of why they rejected me, and if they're open to talking, that helps, then I can evaluate what they said. If they say I'm the stinkiest person on the planet, well, I know I don't have much BO so I know that I would just laugh at it, right?

Yeah,

but if they told me something that hit home, then I have a choice. If they say that I nag and I do nag, then I have a choice. I can do what.

You can either find someone that's okay with your nagging, or you can attempt to change yourself.

Yes, yes, I have options, right? So you want to give yourself options? She broke up with you when you were at the height of thinking she may be the one. Is that what was going on?

Pretty much what it boils down to, yes, ma'am.

Okay, I would have been devastated if my husband left me well before, right when we were dating, because I felt he was the one, and if he left me, I would have felt devastated. What would you want to tell me, Mitchell, to help me out?

Honestly, I don't know. I'm, like, the worst listener and advice giver in the world.

Okay, I would like you to write that on a piece of paper. I am the worst listener and advice giver in the world.

And what would you like to do with that piece of paper?

I guess I would like to put it somewhere so I could look at it to be a better listener.

Okay, let me give you another option.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Let me give you another option. You could shred it. You could tear it to smithereens. You could burn it. Can you think of someone who's a worse advice giver than you in the history of mankind?

Probably whoever Hitler's main advisor was.

Okay, do you think you're in that same ballpark, honey?

Pretty close.

Are you a bad person?

I don't think... well,

no, I just have really bad ideas.

Okay, you obviously have some negative ideas about yourself and those you want to improve. The fact that you could be attracted to a woman and be hopeful for the future is also a very optimistic sign. Even though it didn't work out, your desire for her, your capacity for that desire still exists, even though you need to go through what we call grief—the loss of her—and she left you hanging. She didn’t tell you why. You know, she told you you had stinky feet. Well, maybe you do, and she doesn't like a man with stinky feet, you know? Then you can make sense of it. But when a person doesn't tell you why—and sometimes they don't even know why, because they're not introspective—they don't know themselves very well. But if you catastrophize and you say, "Oh, she left me. My parents told me I'd never be..." What are you telling yourself that what? Give me a little bit of the crap that you're telling yourself.

I'm honestly not telling myself anything. I'm kind of not blaming myself as much as I just don't know who to blame.

Okay, well, what if there's no one to blame? Sometimes people are just not compatible, and you move on.

You know what? It just happened?

What then? I mean, I look at it the same way I look at pretty much everything else—it happened.

It happens. Right?

Sure, I get off right, right, but you do need to grieve it, because you need to be respectful of the fact that you were in love with her. So let yourself cry a little bit, but don't let it go on forever. You go through grief to get to the end of it and feel more at peace with yourself, and then you can start dating again. You said you have a lot of bad ideas. Can you give me an example of one of your bad ideas?

Well, about two years ago, in my dorm room, they searched me and found about two grams of an illegal substance. And I asked the guy who was searching me if he wanted to share.

Yeah, I think that's a pretty bad idea.

Okay, but that's not so far away from... the example you used—the Hitler example. Oh, man, people use illegal substances. You know, alcohol, wine used to be illegal—Prohibition, right? So if you are on an illegal substance, you want to be more respectful of your own mind for a very selfish reason. You want to give it up because you value yourself more. You want to have a good relationship. And it sounds like that was two years ago. So what's... Can you tell me a good thing about yourself? And I know we're right at the end of time, but one good thing you can end with?

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a lot, and I'm a musician, so that makes it just that much easier.

So you're good at it. You can express emotions, and you are when you speak with someone. What you say is what they get.

Pretty much, yeah.

So I would credit yourself with that. Listen, I wish we had more time. Thank you so much for your call. And be good to yourself, grieve the loss, and then move on.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

You want to know the truth? Fine, I had an affair, and it's not anything I'm proud of.

And now that I've answered all your questions, do me a favor. This is never to be brought up again. Understand?

End of discussion. And that's from Frasier, a very heavy moment in Frasier, Dad's confessing that he had an affair. And what happens if you learn that your parents had an affair, one of your parents had an affair, or both? Or what if you're dealing with the feeling that you want an affair and you're so tempted, and your long-term marriage is just dull, and you're on the verge of doing it? Is there something else you can do? Absolutely yes. You can get my book, The Selfish Path to Romance, that I've written with Dr. Ed Locke, and we talk about how to revitalize a relationship, how to cherish one another, how to communicate well, how to resolve conflict, and how to, on a daily basis, really feel valued by your partner and value your partner. That's the cherishing part. That involves many, many skills. It's not something that comes automatically. And when people expect romance to work well and automatically, and they just go by the initial feelings and hope that that keeps the fire alive over decades or many, many years, they're making a tragic mistake. Romance involves a lot of good thinking, and you grow together. You have the possibility to build a friendship like none other.

If you want my book, you can go to SelfishRomance.com.