The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

Mike, you're wondering about why your girlfriend broke up with you. Yeah, it's

kind of like it's crazy. Okay?

It always feels that way, huh? Yeah, yeah,

we, we've been dating for about eight months, yeah, maybe, maybe nine, something like that. It's really good relationship. Nothing wrong with relationship till about three weeks ago, and she like she's been divorced twice, by the way. Okay, how old are you? I'm 27

Okay, and she's 26. Okay, so you're within the same age range, okay,

yeah, and about three weeks ago, she kind of threw up a defensive wall, and she just kind of stopped acting the same. She turned different, and then she broke up with me about two days before Christmas. Even after we broke up, like she still tells me she loves me, I go see her still.

Okay? So you're trying to make sense of your world. You know what happened? Because you know it's painful enough that someone wants to leave you. It's very painful when it doesn't make sense, like if another man walked into her life, or maybe one of her exes came back on the scene and said, Oh my god, I haven't seen you in years, and you look so gorgeous, and I want to remarry you, or whatever. You know, then it can make sense to you that you know what's happening. But what are you suspecting is going on? What's the main thing you want me to focus on?

Well, I don't know. I just feel like it's a protective barrier she's thrown up to, like, not get close to someone because of what's been done to her from her exes and stuff. And she tells me like she has walls she's told me that when we first started dating, yeah. Like, I don't know. I just wondering, like, is there any way I could break down that wall, besides through time. I mean, like, one of the things I did is I'm actually going to drop it off in a mailbox. I made it like an ancient made parchment paper and stuff, the whole Love Letter thing, yeah, but I just wondering if there's anything I can do, or is it, am I just no good.

Okay, you're what I'm hearing is that your gut response is to pursue her, to do something very tender and loving and try to help her over the hump, or to help her open a door in that wall so she can walk through it. And it's really hard to know what is the proper action to take Mike? Because you don't know what her wall is. Something triggered it, it's right before the holidays. And if she's open and willing to share it with you, and if she's introspective, meaning if she understands it herself and is not just going by in quotes, gut feelings, then that would be fine if she could say, you know, around Christmas time, that's when I divorced, or does she have kids at all? Yes, she has three kids. Three kids. Have you been married before

me? No, I'm I'm single. Never been married or anything. I'm actually just as close to her kids. Time to her. I still went over Christmas Day and brought them all gifts, and I spent Christmas Eve with them.

Okay, what ages are they?

They're eight, six and two.

Okay, fairly young.

There's a question for you too. I mean, you can reach out to her. But another question is, do you want someone that has this much baggage? Hey, I

gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here? It is The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. But another

question is, do you want someone that has this much baggage? I mean, if she has walls that can pop up whenever you know, when you don't expect them, this is—you are marrying this type of a person. I mean, you're not marrying her yet, but if you were to form a life with her, to marry her, then this is what could happen throughout your life, and she's—Go ahead.

Oh, sorry, I'll just say I don't—like normally when I date girls like all these situations, I'd be out and I'd be gone. Yeah, and I say I'm done, but like, from day one, with her, adult connection, like, I don't know, I've just been madly in love with her from day one, okay, and there's nothing I can do about it.

There's one thing that you could give yourself as a gift, and that's to take that "I don't know" and that "madly in love" and put it into words. And I don't mean a poem to her, but understand yourself better. What is it about her that I'm attracted to? What? What is that "I don't know"? Is it her looks? Is it her personality? And what about her personality?

Is it the way her personality—yeah, but you

want to get specific. Go ahead,

I was gonna say I know exactly what I'm in love with. Okay?

We—I just, I'm in love with her personalities and like, we always have fun together. It's where we do the most random things. She's into what I'm into, like we go camping, we go fishing, everything that she's into, like I'm into. We're very, very similar down to favorite color.

Okay, so then the ball is now in her court, and there's not much you can do about that, except for sometimes you need to back off some too. There's a pattern called the distancer-pursuer pattern, and the more you pursue her. Guess what she might do? Run. She might run, she might distance herself. And what if she's saying she needs more time or more space, or that something's going on, you can put out an invitation. You can say, "Listen, it sounds like you're needing some time. Let me know when, if that changes, and if you can help me understand it, I would." So, you know, I would appreciate anything you could tell me so I don't feel like, like my world is falling apart, and I don't know why. Anything you can tell me as to what the wall is would help me tremendously. And if you want to put a door in that wall and walk through, you know, I, I'm, I'm here, and I, and I love you dearly. And you know you can, you can reach out that way, but to—to pursue her, if that, if she—I mean, you can try giving her the love note. But the problem is, if she's feeling she needs space, what will a love note make her feel? Crowded?

Cry? Yeah, very good. I like that imagery. It will make her feel crowded. It will make her feel like guilty, "Oh, my God, I should go back to him." That's not a good emotion to have if you're trying to bring the relationship back together. So I—go ahead.

Sorry, um, what if I just kind of told her what you said, like, "I understand you probably need space right now," and just kind of handed her the letter and said, "If you think of me and you want to restart this, open this." Yeah,

that's fine. Yeah, you can do that and say—and you even have a choice. You don't have to accept it if you don't want to; you give her a full choice, then she won't feel, as you said, crowded. You can also—I've written a book with Dr. Ed Locke. It's called The Selfish Path to Romance, and it's how to cherish one another and how to choose the right partner. The chapters on choosing the right partner would be excellent for you, and you can go to Amazon.com or SelfishRomance.com. Thank you so much for your call, Mike. All right. Thank

you. For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke: one pitfall

to nurturing your sensual attraction to your partner is the view that ideal romantic love is separated from the physical, the idea that true love is "unsullied" by sex. This error usually goes by the name platonic love. In this view, the body is low and corrupt, thus the highest form of romantic love is purely spiritual, something floating in the ethereal. Platonic love, however, is not romantic love. In a truly romantic relationship, you feel sexual desire and you want sexual fulfillment. The platonic notion of love allows you to feel admiration, but damns you for having a "degrading" sexual response. This view makes you feel ashamed of sexual feelings. This notion of Platonic love destroys romantic love. Download

chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.