The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com. Don, you have some problems with sex?

Yeah?

Dr. Kenner, can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you loud and clear.

Yeah.

It's a pleasure to talk to you. We carry you now on Canopy Bucha, and I've been... I'm scared to have sex. I even had a girlfriend outside marriage, less sexually frustrated by all the things I've seen in my life.

Okay. How old are you?

Never been married, single.
Okay, so you said that you’re single, right?

Yeah, I'm saying I don’t have a girlfriend right now, but...

With all that's going on, you know, VD and so forth, venereal disease, I backed off, and it's caused problems. I was even cross-dressing in public and got put in the Bell Institution. I was going to extremes.

Okay, so you don't have VD, you don't have any venereal disease, right? And you're worried about being with a girlfriend, whether she may give you a lifetime present that you don't want – a venereal disease. Would she be willing to get tested? You could both get tested. I know couples that have gone that route. You know, it’s not a moral issue. It’s more of a “Let’s make sure we’re both healthy, we get a clean check, and we both feel good.” It’s like a gift to both of you.

Would that help?

Oh, I don't know if I lost you or not. Are you there?

Yeah, I’m here.

Yeah.

I have sexual fantasies. I even thought about a sex change, but I've been taught all this is wrong before marriage.

Okay, I may have missed some of what you said. You dropped out for a bit, so I was talking, and you may not have heard me. Let me just catch you up. I was saying that if you're worried about venereal diseases, which was the last topic I heard you discussing, you could both get tested—not as a moral issue, but as a health issue. Let's just make sure we have a clean slate, and then we'll both feel comfortable. It gives us both assurance.

I know what I'm capable of doing. I know I'm capable of myself because I'm a "Playboy type" guy. I have a strong sex drive, and if I even express it in public, I usually get in trouble.

Yeah, what are you talking about, that you get in trouble?

Well, I mean, you can't force sex upon another person. I’ve been thinking about sex more than women.

Okay, so you're not focused on the intimacy. People can have sex, and it can mean different things to different people. For some people, it’s a sense of being accepted. For some, it’s power over others. If you feel inadequate and you need to get those notches on your belt to feel like you have some self-esteem, then you're making an error that will cost you. Go ahead.

I get pleasure out of sex. It’s pleasurable. They say it’s meant for life, but all the nudity I've seen, I’m capable of having all kinds of sexual fantasies lived out in real life.

Okay, so you're living them out in real life, and you're worried about VD. I think you have a good cause to worry about diseases. But let me deal with the psychological part, which is that if you're just living out sexual fantasies in real life, then you are missing out on one piece. Do you want to guess what that is?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

If you’re just living out sexual fantasies in real life, then you are missing out on one piece. Do you want to guess what that is?

True happiness.

Yeah, tell me about that.

Well, true happiness. I’m happy being single, but I want to have sex. I’m not scared of sex. I’m just scared of what happens if I get a girlfriend. What will happen?

What have you seen happen? And what do you project will happen to you?

I’m afraid that I’ll end up dumped, like some women do to men. I’ve been hurt by it, and that’s a lot of people’s problem, besides my understanding. I thought about going to sex therapy.

Okay, so it sounds like you're afraid of intimacy—emotional intimacy, the connection with someone you love and value. You're so afraid of being burned, dumped, or hurt that you’ve carved out a life strategy of having random sex to live out these fantasies. I’m not saying they’re all random, but you have a loose sex life and miss out on happiness.

I haven’t been having sex for the last four or five years.

So you've been playing it safe, yeah? Okay. Now your slate is clean enough—at least habit-wise—that you’re considering having a girlfriend. Well, you have my producer laughing at that one. I hope he’s not thinking it, because he’s my husband. But if you have two girlfriends, it’s the same problem—you’re just creating the same problem. If your girlfriend came home and said, “Guess what, Honey? I love you so much, Don. I love you dearly. And our sexual life is so wonderful that I want to have another man in my life just like you. I don’t want to lose you, but I want another man too.” What would you say?

I’d say, probably ignoring what I’m capable of doing and potentially doing, making money and having a pleasurable sexual life, I’d say go for it.

Okay, you wouldn’t be a little jealous that she's now attracted to this other guy?

Not really, because I’ve been down that route before, and maybe I’m a little bitter and angry toward women, or toward seeing their dating patterns. Guys get sexually frustrated from wanting to stand out.

Okay, so notice that this is not romance. If one of the outcomes of a free sex life, in the past anyway, is that you’re becoming bitter, angry, and not happy, and you're considering a one-woman relationship—changing job, right? I wouldn't mind having just one single relationship.

That makes sense. That means you’re actually starting to value your life more and look at your sexual life. I and another author have written a book called The Selfish Path to Romance, which will probably sound good to you. But it's not selfish in a way of running roughshod over others—it’s about mutually cherishing one another. It is so rare and so hard to carve out a long-term marriage or partnership where you genuinely value the other person and they’re your best buddy through life. Most people become bored, cynical, or afraid of the dumping you mentioned. Instead of that, how about a different path? I would highly recommend my book, The Selfish Path to Romance, co-authored with Dr. Ed Locke. Check it out at SelfishRomance.com. That would be an interesting read for you. It doesn’t mean you’ll agree with it, but it gives you another option on the menu—a cherished relationship with one person. There’s a whole section on sex in the book. Don, thank you very much for your call.

Thank you, Dr. Kenner.

You’re welcome. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

When it comes to relatives or children, your partner comes first. Parents and in-laws must not become a source of marital resentment. If one’s partner’s parent constantly belittles the other partner or intrudes into the relationship physically or emotionally, it’s important to address this by speaking up—partner to partner, and then partner to parent. Respectful boundaries must be set between partners and their parents. Suppose, as the husband in this situation, your mother is critical or mean to your wife. If so, it is your job to protect her, and the same goes with children. Never allow them to monopolize your attention at the expense of your partner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.