The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

You're having relationship problems with your girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, your ex-girlfriend. Okay, tell me, you're still connected with her, then?

I guess, in a way, when I was more or less trying to find out. I was dating someone that

has been divorced a couple of

times.

Okay, you're fading a little. I don't know if you're moving away from the phone.

No, I've been going out with somebody who had been married and divorced twice, and in their, I guess, marriages, they were abused. Okay, and we broke up for whatever reason. Don't really know. I was actually, you know, engaged to this person, but in the mean…

What do you mean? You don't know why you broke up?

She just said it was over, and that was pretty much about it.

Were you stunned?

Well, I was pretty much just asking why. I've never known. Okay, you know, most women, when they're having a problem or want to go off on somebody for breaking up for some reason, don't hesitate at the opportunity to let you know.

Yeah, but that's awful, I mean, and please don't say that about all women, because I've met a lot of women who don't do that. But it sounds like it's been your experience that women are not forthcoming with you about why they're leaving.

Well, this was the only…you know, I'm just trying to understand, yeah, this problem. But anyways, a couple of times, I have tried, you know, just sending a friendly email, you know, "How are you doing?" and everything, and in return, I either get some kind of, you know, threat, or "I'm blocking your email." I mean, just trying to communicate with this person. I mean, if you don't want to hear from somebody, like I'm in business, I mean, I can block their email without telling them and giving them a tip as to what I'm doing and just block the email and never hear from them again. And, you know, this woman seems to be so dramatic. And I was just wondering what causes, I mean, somebody to act that way.

What are your thoughts on that?

Personally, from what I've been told by a bunch of friends and everything, you know, the problems vary from "this person had problems back to their childhood" to "I've been told that, you know, they're insane," and pretty much everything, you know, under the sun. But, I mean, to me, I was just, you know, I mean, most…there are several, you know, millions of people, I'm sure, that have broken up that remain friends, okay, right? Or at least it's a cordial breakup. But I mean, even if you, you know, a sensible answer would be, "Well, thank you. I'm fine. You know. Hope you are well. You know, I've moved on down the road and everything, so I'd appreciate it, you know, if we didn't talk anymore." But it's always some threatening, harassing—or, not harassing, but some, you know, drama-type draw thing. And you know, I was just possibly wondering if this woman gets defensive because of the fact that, you know, the light went on and she found out that she was wrong in handling, and, you know, doing what she did, and now she doesn't want to, you know, face up to the fact, and, you know, speak with me about it, or, you know, offer any type of apology. I mean, I just, you know, I just don't understand. Okay, it's why you have to tell somebody that, you know, you're blocking their email. I mean, just do it,

Yeah? Just do it, right? So the question is, why the drama? Why is it a come-hither? And then the minute you come hither, because she's got the door open, you can email her, she says, "What the heck are you doing? You're abusing me. Get away, you know, I'm going to block your email." So number one, one of the people suggested that it could be from past relationships. She was married and divorced twice, and you said in abusive relationships, and sometimes people just project onto their next partner, who may be a lovely human being, yourself. They project onto them, just…you know, they react the way they anticipate from former relationships, and they may have built that relationship, too. You know, I had kids come into therapy years ago. I dealt with a large number of abused children, sexually and physically abused, and they would walk into my office. I'm a very friendly-looking person. I've got toys, I've got lots of fun stuff, and they would look at me, and because I was a whole lot taller than them—whether they were two, three, four, or five years old—they were used to tall people, adults, being abusive. And man, I fit in that category. I was a taller person, and so they would initially, you know, hide in the corner or try to beat me up just walking in the door, meeting for the first time, and you realize that they've made a generalization about all adults, that adults are threatening, that they need to protect themselves, so they need to hide from them. Very, very sad cases.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Adults are threatening that they need to protect themselves, so they need to hide from them. Very, very sad cases. In this case, it sounds like she was projecting onto you and looking at you as someone you're not. You're a decent person, and she was projecting onto you a very different image. You were an abusive, intrusive person, and she'd have to block your email and guard herself, and she's the victim, and you're the perpetrator of whatever. And it's very painful to be misunderstood like that, especially if you'd had a relationship. How long was the relationship?

It was almost about a year. But I guess when I just don't understand, you know, like, say, what you know, maybe because I'm, you know, I've never been married, and I've never been abused or anything like this. But like I said earlier, you know, to make threats or, you know, tell me that you're going to be blocking your email. I mean, are you trying to get me to respond to your threat of blocking? I mean, I just ignored the email. But I mean, when I have a problem with somebody and don't want to talk to them, I don't bother sending them an email and saying, "Listen, I'm going to block your email." So therefore, you don't block. You just block.

So she's contacting you again. You see, right? Emails been blocked. Why don't you?

You need to see that it's not you. There are people who've been through abandonment in the past. They can be very unstable. They can have very intense problems in any close relationships. There may be identity issues—they don't have self-esteem, they don't know who they are. They could be impulsive, they could be histrionic. So you have—you were with her for a year. What you want to do is not keep blaming yourself. You can certainly ask yourself…yeah, I know we're wrapping up. Listen, let me talk to you off the air. It's that you want some closure, as long as you don't blame yourself. And you may not get full understanding of her because you're no longer in that relationship.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

If you think your partner is being unfair, a way to avoid overreacting is to summarize what you heard your partner say and check to see if what you heard was accurate. Avoid adding comments of your own at this point; the goal is to let both of you digest what was said and clear up misunderstandings. For example, suppose Aaron complains to his wife, Jane, in general terms, that they've been spending too much money. Jane might ask, "Are you upset with me for buying those new clothes? Is that what's bothering you?" Aaron could then clarify what he meant. He might say, "Yes, that bothers me a lot." Or he might say, "Oh, no, I love your new outfits. I'm upset that I spent so much on landscaping." Many arguments are based on what we think our partner meant, and often it's not accurate.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.