The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and amazon.com

Patty, you're wondering whether you should get back with your ex.

Oh, well, I know we should. I mean, well, we live together, and, you know, we raise our child together, and, you know, I mean, obviously he still loves me. I mean, that's obvious, yeah. I mean, he bought me a laptop, yeah, you know, and he told me he cherishes me and all, yeah. And, you know, he told me, you know, the other day that he said, believe it or not, things are getting better and better, you know, between me and him

interesting. So you’ve been together. Give me just a little bit of background. You guys have been together for how long? Patty

we well, we've been, we've known each other for 10 years, okay? And we dated probably seven months before we got engaged, and we were engaged for nine months. And so, I mean, it was, it was love at first

sight. Okay, that's how it was with my husband and me, and we got married within nine months, and I wasn't pregnant about that, and you had my child before you later, okay, so then you had a child together, boy or girl, a little boy, a little boy. He's

how old now, I just turned six yesterday, okay?

And you're living with your boyfriend, I guess your husband?

Well, he's my ex-husband. Okay? And it never should have happened. I mean, it was that. It's a long, long, long, long story. Okay?

I know we need to make it brief on radio. So what is the main—How can I best help you? Because I can hear your ambivalence. I don’t know whether to get back with him or not?

Well, you know, we're working on reconciling. I mean, that's one thing we're working on, right? I

And he knows I want to reconcile. Okay, what are your best reasons, your top three reasons for getting back with him? Right from the gut,

he's my best friend, he's my soulmate. He's just everything to me. And we have such a special, special bond with each other. And I mean, to look at us, you'd never believe we were divorced. You'd never know it, yeah, you know, because we just have a special bond. And you know? I guess the one thing you know, I enjoy being a homemaker. I enjoy taking care of him and our son. I guess I won’t let him know that I just need some one-on-one time with him.

So what did I know we eat? Huh? What are your top three reasons for not wanting to stay with him? If, if the side of your mind that that is not in line with what you said, that all of that wonderful emotion you’re feeling right now, Patty, but on the other side, you've got like another voice saying, Oh, don't do it. You already divorced him. What are the top three reasons from the gut not to go back with him?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com

and buy it at amazon.com

hmm, the selfish path to romance—that is interesting. What

are the top three reasons from the gut not to go back with him?

You know, I spent four years in Tampa while he was up here, yeah, and it was the worst

four years of my life. It was lonely and

and it just

so you felt abandoned by him.

No, um, it just felt like a part of me was missing. What part was missing? I don’t know. It's just, um, you want to know, how can I explain it? Um, he’s just a big part of my life, and when I was away from him, I mean, I missed him terribly every day of my life. Okay, what

are the reasons for not getting back? Did he have an affair? Did he ignore you? He's so busy he doesn't have time for you in his schedule?

No, it wasn't that. Um, got

to be reasons, right? Otherwise, you wouldn’t be

struggling

see when our son was a baby,

you know, it just seemed like everybody wanted to be involved in everybody, you know, there was just a lot of chaos, okay, and

but how did that rupture your relationship? I mean, it led to a divorce. What was the key reason for the rupture?

Oh, well, he and I, you know, we started getting into some big arguments, and over what, I don’t know, just, just stupid stuff. He was under a lot of stress and pressure. And, yeah, it was a sex we just argued in. And, you know, without even thinking about what I was doing, I just, I left. Oh, you wasn’t even thinking, okay, so

you're so what you're getting, what I’m getting from this is the one of the best gifts you can give yourself, is to know your reasons why you loved him, and because when you leave in the heat of unanalyzed emotions, you do yourself a disservice, because you don’t understand yourself, and then you’re left in a quagmire. You’re left with that awful ambivalence. Well, I don’t know whether to go back or I don’t want to feel those feelings again. I don’t want to be arguing—our son’s six years old. No, I don’t want to be arguing in front of him. It’s so risky, and so one of the gifts you can give yourself is to learn better communication skills, because you can, you know, people will say, Oh, everybody argues, and I have been married how many years, and we can openly talk about anything honestly. We can differ with each other. We don't scream at each other. There’s never any swearing, yelling, no silent treatment, and it but man, you know, I’m a clinical psychologist. I’m the first one that benefits from all the skills I learned, but anyone can learn the skills. There’s a wonderful book Difficult Conversations. I don’t know if it’s up on the website yet; if not, I will try to make that a priority, that you could get that you where you could learn communication skills. And the reason that that that arguments happen so quickly, so deeply, and they’re so painful enough that you would want to leave a relationship, is because typically, you feel like the person’s attacking your character. Well, you’re an idiot. Why would you think that? Well, you think I did that? Well, why did you do that? Notice both of those are character attacks. So I know we’re out of time here, but I would get the book Difficult Conversations for a starter, and I’d also get the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, because it will help you with your child and with your husband. That was the book that I learned communication skills on that’s at my website, DrKenner.com. Thank you so much for your call. Okay,

thank you so much. You're welcome.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I’d like a petite filet mignon, very lean, not so lean that it lacks flavor, but not so fat that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don’t want it cooked just lightly seared on either side, pink in the middle, not a true pink, but not a mauve, either. Something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it’s ruined,

okay? And that’s Niles from Frasier. And what do you think the chances are that he got just what he ordered from that? Okay? I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. And have you ever been with somebody who's incredibly picky? You go out to eat with them, and you just take a sigh, your heart kind of sinks, because you know, the relationship with the waiter or waitress is going to be destroyed once that family member starts to say, and by the way, I can’t have milk and I can’t have XYZ, or I’m a vegetarian, or I’m a vegan. And are you sure there are no eggs used in this? And isn’t it a pain in the butt to sit with that person? And you just can hate—See, even though the waitress or waiter isn’t doing it, you can see them rolling their eyes. Well, unfortunately, my husband is married to that type of a person. When we go out to eat, my husband has to wait, especially if we go to an Italian restaurant, and I say, you know, I don’t eat onion, garlic, garlic, peppers or scallions, green or red peppers. And you know, if you're at an Italian restaurant, they look at you like, huh, lady, why did you come here? So my husband gave me a gift. He made out these little, teeny slips that say, no garlic, no onions, no peppers, no scallions, and green and red peppers and scallions. And when I go to a restaurant now, it's much easier. I just give them a slip and they can bring it to the cook in the back, and I tell them if, if what I ordered has those in it, just come back and I’ll order something else that is much easier for

more. Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this next.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

In deciding whether to forgive your partner for an injustice, consider, is there evidence that the person has really changed? The more serious the offense or the more long-term the problem, the longer it takes to know if the partner has genuinely reformed. Don’t forgive too soon. Many people are repeat offenders. No one else can make the decision to forgive for you. Nor are there any formulas, only guiding principles, such as those just listed, and often a great deal of thought. Take the case of adultery. For many individuals, such an act is unforgivable, and the hurt partner immediately terminates the relationship. To others, it might signal that something is very wrong with the relationship, and the response would be to uncover the causes and decide whether the partnership can or should be repaired.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com.