The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free. Dr Kenner.com, Shannon,

you and you said you vowed not to date until your son grows up.

Yes, I did, and thank you for taking my call. Dr. Kenner.

Oh, you're very welcome. How old is your son?

He will be 13 in December.

13,

yes. And so you've gone for how many years without dating?

Well, probably anything serious since he was about four,

okay, since

he was four. So that's about nine years, yeah, without dating. And what's prompting you, what part of you wants to date now?

Well, I'm really not wanting to date.

Okay, and I get so much slack and so much hard time from, you know, friends and like, you should be dating, you should be out there. And there's nothing wrong with that. And I really, really don't want to until I feel like, until I feel like my son has, you know, till he's 18, or out of the house, or, you know, no set number, but so until he can, you know, I'm not sure. I just, I put the number at 18, but I just, I'm afraid. I don't want him to remember men coming in and out of his life.

Okay,

did that happen to you growing up?

Not at all.

See, your parents stayed together.

They're still together.

Oh, they're still together. How wonderful. So you want, you don't want him to go through the ups and downs of emotionally connecting to a potential partner, and then being let down. You know, will this be my new daddy? Is his dad in the picture?

Unfortunately, no.

Okay, did he die or he just drifted away?

Yeah, he was not. He’s not a good role model.

Okay, not something that would be healthy for my son to be around.

Not at all.

Okay. So it actually is, even though it's very sad and your son may feel abandoned at times, although, how long ago did he leave?

A long time ago. He's never been in our life.

Never been in your life, so your son's very used to just living with you.

Yes.

Okay, yeah. So your question is, what, will it be too late for romance once he's 18 and out of the house?

Is that the question?

Yeah, yeah. I feel like, by the time he is, you know, older and out of the house, and he will start moving on, I feel, I'm afraid I'm going to be very set in my ways. I feel like I won't want a man in my life.

You know, and look at it as optional. We have a very close friend, and he's older. I think he's in his, what is he in now, maybe late 60s, 70s, and he has just learned to live alone, and he's very happy. It’s not that he's a loner. He's got his family, in quotes, you know, good friends. And he does a lot, engages in a lot of activities, and really has made his life very rich without a partner. And believe me, you and I both know stories of people who are staying together, and it's hell.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

And believe me, you and I both know stories of people who are staying together, and it's hell.

Yes.

You know, my parents wouldn't do that, and they are still together. But I think watching them, yeah, I've never had any desire to even marry.

Okay, so they are trapped with each other by their own choices.

Yes,

and it is getting better for them, but as I grew up, I never did see much happiness with them.

Okay, so your son sees more happiness with you now.

Yes, very much. We have very good communication. He has good role models that I have put in his life. Some good coaches.

So you've made up for the fact that he doesn't have a dad by getting coaches. So what I'm hearing is it's optional. There is no “should.” You said your friends are saying you should try dating. You should find a partner. You should get out there and fill your life with a partner. And it shouldn’t. That’s the wrong approach to anything you want in life. Have you ever had the passing thought, Shannon, that, oh my gosh, that guy is so nice to me, and I’m enjoying this class I’m taking with him, or a neighbor’s so nice, or I enjoy this person I meet at the community center? Then you could certainly form a friendship. You don't have to make a vow with yourself, because that’s actually over-promising. People say, "We’ll stay together till death do us part," and sometimes they die in the relationship. They’re the living dead. So that’s an over-promise.

Because here’s the deal: you do not know a person’s full character until you’ve been with them for a long time, and even then, they can misrepresent themselves. People can change over time. They can get better or worse in a relationship. So you want to get enough data—that's what dating is all about. That's why you don’t want to rush into a relationship. You want to get to really know who the person is, because you’re actually living with that person’s character, the type of person they’ve made themselves into. If it’s a good role model, your son could really thrive. If it’s rocky and up and down, then it’s going to be, you know, better nothing than anything. So you have the option of never having a partner in your life. However, at times when you think that you would like it, leave that door open for yourself, in case someone does happen to come into your life who would be a remarkable partner for yourself and a good friend for your son. You’re adding a person to his life.

So thank you so much for your call.

Oh, thank you for taking my call.

Oh, you’re very welcome, Shannon.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

I really wish that you would not send her candy without consulting me. I'm talking to you.

Not all the decisions are taken by the female, especially when the male partner has fulfilled his obligations beyond the line of duty. When you wanted me to spend my afternoon sunbathing by the lake, I was glad to become the bronze glamor boy for your sake, instead of remaining the scholar. Even so, I scoot along after you like an obliging little lapdog. Oh yes, I’m happy. I’m delighted to be bossed by you, but every game has its rules.

And that is a couple that is not getting along. Usually, we think of the woman in the relationship as being the one in the "one down" position: "I gave up everything for you and the kids, and now what’s happened to my life? There’s no 'me' anymore." But in some cases, the woman is the controlling one, and the man gives up his autonomy, his ability to be his own person in a relationship. And that's one of the hardest skills for any of us: How do we remain honest and true to ourselves while in a loving relationship? How can you not compromise what’s really important to you but learn how to compromise on things that are reasonable and work out a relationship that you enjoy, make it a comfortable place to live in?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

To sustain a positive emotional climate, both partners need to have an attitude that encourages personal growth. When couples don't grow together, they often grow apart and end up unhappily married or divorced. Couples are in danger if there are significant differences in the way they grow their lives. For example, one may grow in intellectual ability, character, or self-esteem, and the other may not. If one is ambitious, expanding his or her life and making it interesting, while the other stagnates or grows at a much slower rate, the discrepancy often leads to the breaking of the loving bond, leaving the couple mismatched, even if they initially were well matched. Partners need to grow together intellectually and emotionally for a relationship to thrive.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.