The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download

chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Chris, you're dealing with some anger.

Yes, I got a little bit of anger problem, and it just gets, it just gets out of hand when I deal with my wife, and I take my frustrations and anger out on her, so it just causes more problems within our relationship,

in our marriage.

Okay, go ahead.

And I just want to learn. I just want to know how I can somewhat control it, because I tend to start to say things while I'm angry and then later on regret it. But yeah, you know, once you say something, words can be very hurtful, right? So there are some things that she still holds against me that I've said while I was angry, right?

And those words can resonate for decades. I mean, they just stay in your head. They hurt so badly at the time that you remember them. Can you give me a quick example of what happened with your wife recently, or a really bad example where you lost it with her?

Well, she was...

I don't know what it is. Sometimes when people ask or tell me to do something, I kind of get defensive because I really don't like people telling me what to do, yeah. So when she was asking me to do something in the house, I was just like, "I’ll get to it, you know?" And then she was just... I don't know, she expected me to just up and do it right then and there. I told her I would get to it. And then from there, it just kept going, you know?

How did it escalate? What happened? What was the end point? Did you end up screaming, yelling, pinching, punching, swearing?

Nothing physical, but, okay, I said a couple bad things, you know, to her.

Without swearing, can you give me an idea, if you can water it down a little for the air?

I told her to shut the f up. I kind of got into her about her weight, you know.

Okay, so you went for the personal.

Yeah, yeah.

What did you say about her weight?

I told her she was just getting a little bit big, or whatnot, you know. And I know that right there alone was enough to have her just not talk to me, and she hasn't been talking to me for like, two or three days now.

Okay, so she gives you the silent treatment. So, what you guys are doing is not working. She asks you to do something, and you're wanting her to respect your time and do it at your own pace. You try to communicate that to her, she's frustrated because she wants you to do it at her pace. I’m not sure which pace is reasonable, but obviously, you need to negotiate that. She ends up getting into a pattern, which I think any of us would recognize as the "nag," and it's not fun to be a nag. I've been there, done that, and it’s not fun—I had to change my habit. You just don't know how to zip her mouth. I don’t mean that in a negative way, but you don't know how to turn the volume down on her. And the more you try, the more it escalates. Because if you tell somebody to shut up, they’re going to escalate. I can guarantee they’ll either give the silent treatment, which she did, or escalate and talk louder. Don't try to dismiss her. People don't like to be dismissed or brushed aside. And when you attack her weight, she feels like you're no longer her partner, her husband, or her friend; you're the enemy because you’re someone who will attack her on a sensitive point, and we don’t tend to do that to our best friends.

So what can you do first?

Hey, I have to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So, what can you do? First, you're doing a wonderful thing, which is identifying the problem, and you have the motivation to change. You say that you're taking your frustration and anger out on her. So, you need communication skills; you need a way to express yourself without attacking. Let me give you a mini sampler of what you could do in that situation, Chris. You could say to her, "Honey, what did she want you to do? What task was she telling you to do around the house?"

I believe it had something to do with clothes. For some reason, she thinks that because she does the laundry, I’m supposed to fold it. I'm saying, if you’re doing the laundry, you might as well just go ahead and do...I mean, go ahead with all of it. I mean, when I do the laundry, I wash it and fold it. It’s like she's washing, then I'm supposed to fold it. I’m like, where did that come from?

Yeah, it could come from years ago, from her family of origin. In our family, one of us would do one thing, the other...If I washed the clothes, even with my kids, when I washed the clothes, my son would fold them. There’s no right or wrong here. The skill is: how do you negotiate together when you're not angry? Any of the things you guys have fought over—whether it’s the dishes, the clothes, if you have kids, the kids, who parks the car in the driveway first, or even sex—I can throw that one in there, but whatever you’re fighting over, when you’re in a quieter mood, in a friendlier mood, coach yourself. Tell yourself: what I'm about to say, I'm going to say to someone I love. That advice came from a different psychologist. If you tell yourself that in advance, it can take the edge off. You won’t lash out as quickly. And then say, "Honey, we’ve had a lot of trouble with the laundry, with the clothes. Let’s come up with something that we're both comfortable with so we don’t end up fighting. And I don’t want to pick on your weight. I hate it when I do that. I regret it right afterward, but I don’t know if I got that from my own childhood." Did you grow up in a family where people picked on each other?

Well, I mean, growing up, I kind of felt like I was the black sheep, because my older cousins used to make fun of me. I mean, not physically, but they’d tease my name because it was kind of unique. My full name is Chris Myr, okay, Chris Merch, so I would just get it from them.

Then see, you can explore where these patterns came from. If you feel vulnerable as a kid and you attack back, you don’t want to do that at work or with your wife. So let me give you some quick tips, because we’re right at the end of time here. There’s a book, The Anger Control Workbook by Matthew McKay and Peter Rogers. The Anger Control Workbook. You could Google that and get that book. They give lots of tips on what you can say to yourself. “I can find a way to say what I want without anger.” You can learn assertiveness skills, and you want to be able to talk with your wife calmly. And anything you’ve thought about, take one issue at a time. Don’t try to pile them all on at once. Try to come up with a strategy to deal with those problems in advance, like who does the laundry. So listen, thank you so much for your call, Chris.

Thank you. Thank you for listening.

Thank you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

If your partner just doesn’t talk or want to listen, even after repeated attempts to communicate, they might have narcissistic tendencies, such as holding the premise that you’re supposed to listen, but not vice versa—a one-way street relationship. Such a partner will never make an ideal soulmate or anyone. Partners also fail to communicate because they are trying to hide their true or deepest selves. They may fear something about themselves or perhaps have no authentic self. Your partner may not talk much simply due to shyness. You can do a lot to bring your partner out of their shell by being warm, open, and encouraging. Another reason that your partner doesn’t make communication a conscious priority is that they may not consider you important. Translation: your partner does not really love you, a painful discovery.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.