The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and @amazon.com

Jennifer, you're having some difficulty with a boyfriend or a question.

I am. I have been dating him for about two years, and when I first met him, I was, you know, probably about 15 to 20 pounds smaller, and I've always struggled with my weight ever since I was, you know, a child, and I've lost weight, I've gained weight. I kind of yo-yo. Okay, so I gained this weight, and he made it very clear that he was not happy about that. And the first time he talked to me about it, he was very nice, very caring about it. And then, you know, I tried, and you know, I'd fall off the wagon. And then, you know, after, you know, some time passed, you know, he just came out with it, you know, and he got kind of nasty about it, letting me know he did not like,

yeah, what did nasty sound like? Give me a quick snapshot.

He said, "Well, don't you have any pride in yourself?" Yeah. Thank you. Thinking that it was something that you did wrong,

yeah, I did gain weight, yeah,

so he that's what did. What made you become silent, right? Then, what went through your mind,

the pain, okay,

tell me about it.

Just, just how hurt I was when he said it, yeah. And in shock, yeah? And I'm but I guess he had reached his limit, you know, he told me once, in a nice way, in a very caring kind way, yeah. And then, you know, I didn’t lose the weight, and then he just got upset, I think, you know,

yeah, so if your tears could speak, what would they say? What's the deepest pain you're feeling?

Just that he can't accept me as I am, and although I did change, you know, unfortunately, when you gain weight, you don't have that same sexiness about

you. Yeah, the same sassiness. You said sassiness. Oh, sassy. Oh, okay. No, I

like that.

I like the sassiness a lot. Yeah, that, that's exactly right. I was talking to a hairdresser today, and we were both talking about how awful our hair looks naturally, and she was saying how much more confident she gained when she took this huge mop of hair and was able to straighten it. And really, you know, it can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself. I mean, we all like to think that it doesn't make a difference, but we all look in the mirror too. So how, what can I help you with?

Well, you know, he basically told me we had been dating for two years, yeah? And, you know, nothing was moving forward. And he said it was because of my weight, yeah, and, and that was painful, you know. And, you know, he came over one day, and we were sitting on the couch, and we had been swimming and everything, and he, you know, I said, you know, I said, "Something's missing between us." I said, you know, "Don't you feel like something's missing?" And you know, we've had these conversations before. He said, "Well, you know, if we're going to be honest." I was like, "Yes, let's be honest." He goes, "Well, you know, your weight bothers me," and you know, it's such a big issue for him. And, yeah, I want to lose the weight. You know, you

want to lose it now. Yeah, tell me. Do I do?

Who are you losing it for?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it @amazon.com hmm, the selfish path to romance that is interesting.

Yeah, I want to lose the weight. You want to lose it? Yeah, tell me, I do. Who are you losing it for?

For me? Why? Yes, yes, I'm right now. Okay, when I was with him, I felt so much resentment and anger towards them. Yeah, they really did.

If the resentment could speak, what would it say?

You know, I guess I can understand that he wants me to lose weight, but I guess part of me wants to be loved, even though I am. I did gain that 20 pounds, and he wouldn't give that to me. You know, he kind of withheld himself. And you know, we'd only see each other once a week. We wouldn't plan a vacation together, okay, see, and I knew I knew what it was, you know, you know, I knew I needed to lose the weight, but at the same time, I just, you know, when I sit on the couch and I was talking to him, and I just said, "You know what, Jennifer, this is not working for you." Yeah, you know this, this man who has a point, don't get me wrong, he definitely has a valid point, and you can't help the way he feels about the weight,

and he's being honest with you, which is a gift. He is. He is in your past. Did you ever have that test in your mind? Mom and dad love me just the way I am, and don't, don't pick on me, don't push me.

Well, you know, not. Asthma is in my way, you know, a couple times, but you know, and it bothers me, yeah, but,

yeah, it bothers me. Yeah, definitely.

Okay. What bothers you

to be criticized because of it? Okay?

Because sometimes we set up tests. If you really love me, then you won't mind that I drink. You'll put up with me. If you really love me, then you won't mind if I overeat, if you really love me, then you won't mind if I wear, if I never, if I only bathe once a week or something. We set up these tests to test. Do they really like my character, or is it just the external and what? What mistake might a person be making if they in setting up that type of a test?

Well, I don't know what kind of mistake. I mean, I know that attractions are important in a relationship, yeah, and I know I gained the weight. Okay,

let's just put it this. Let's just switch it for a minute. Let's say that he put on 20 pounds. Yeah,

yeah. I mean, he has, you know, I guess it would probably bother me too, and I'm being honest, yeah, like, "Whoa, this is." And I know he has the right to

feel that way, and that is such a gift, I can tell you. Early on, my husband and I have been married, let me guess, 35 or 36 years now. And early on in our marriage, I cooked. I love being Susie Homemaker, a cook and gourmet food. And guess how much weight he put on the first year? How much? 20 pounds, 20 pounds. And I did not feel good. I did not feel good about myself doing the cooking, and I stopped cold turkey, and I didn't like the way he was looking at or around his midsection. I was putting on weight too. And guess what? We both lovingly told each other that we were finding each other less sexually appealing, less attractive, and somehow we managed it in a way that neither of us got put off by it, which I think is very rare. I think what you're going through is much more typical, and it gave it challenged us both to eat in a much better, much more healthy way, or in, I know there's a book the back Diet Solution, train your brain to think like a thin person. And both of us didn't have this book, but we both trained our brain to become much healthier. And so instead of it being a test of, do you love me or not, it became, do we want to be healthy or not? And we both chose a much better route. I'm much healthier right now than I was in my 30s, 20s, and I love it. Yeah. So you could give yourself that gift independent of him, and then you would have that pride earned whether or not you stay with him.

So listen, thank you so much for your call. Jen. All right, thank

you. You're welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner, really wish you'd tell me about it. Well,

if you must know, it's my love life, really, you've been seeing a man only when I close my eyes and concentrate,

and that's from Fraser, only when I close my eyes and concentrate, do I feel like I'm with, do I pretend that I'm with a man? So dad, Daphne needs to do what Daphne wants, a romantic relationship, so at this point anyway, in the show, and so she needs to pursue that goal. And if you're in the same situation, you want a romantic relationship, and you're feeling really lonely and you're living in your fantasies, take the next step. Ask yourself, What could I do today to get a little bit closer to my goal of meeting a romantic partner? What could I do? Do I want to sign