The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and Amazon.com.

And right now, I want to welcome Sandra. Sandra, welcome to the show.

Hi.

Hi. Tell me what’s going on.

Well, let me just give you a few things right off the cuff. Okay, okay. I’m 62, and this is what I’m dealing with: hypoglycemia, seizures, cancer, a car accident that left both my husband and I disabled, delayed sleep disorder where I don’t sleep very well, and I get a couple hours here, a couple hours there, and my husband’s had four surgeries since the car accident. And before the car accident, he was working at 73 — I mean, at the time, he was 69. Okay, and we had a really wonderful life. Even with my health issues, he dealt with them very well, and I did very well. But then after the car accident, I got a lot worse, and I’ve had nine abdominal surgeries. They’ve cut me every which way to Sunday, yeah, in the last five years, which has left me with no abdominal muscle strength whatsoever.

What is it that I can do for you? What’s your —

This is a really odd question, because my husband is a man, and men are a lot more sexual in a lot of ways than women, no matter what’s going on. Oh, this is hard. This is really hard. Now, the car accident left him with a similar problem as I have, but there are different reasons. He has fecal incontinence due to the injury that he received in the car accident. Okay, I already had fecal incontinence because I had cancer in the colon and I lost my ileocecal valve. I lost my kid. So —

This is a question about intimacy, sexual intimacy —

And I’m very depressed about it because I’m afraid to try it again, because the first time we did, and it was four years ago — yeah,

You know what happened? I mean —

He wasn’t able to hold it, and it was just a mess. I got an infection, and I’ve really been spiraling downhill really bad the last year with all of this, okay?

Are you getting some psychological help? Are you seeing a psychotherapist, psychologist?

We did for as long as we could afford it, but sadly, the person that hit us had no insurance. Okay? We went through a quarter of a million dollars.

Is there any teaching college nearby where you could get a sliding scale or —

No, I’m in a little boondock town a couple hours out of Phoenix, okay? And I’m really not able to sit up and travel very long because I have no stomach muscles. Okay. So here —

For me to go up and down that hill is just like somebody running a marathon.

Okay, so let me just focus. There are many, many aspects to it. For number one, you’re on overload with medical injuries, so let me deal with a broader question and then come back to the sexual issue. The first thing is —

I gotta interrupt this because we’ve gotta pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

In terms of the sexual issue, the first thing is, when you are overloaded with so many medical problems and surgeries, and then more surgeries, and it’s not just one person, it’s both of you. So it’s not like one of you can be a pillar and hold the other one up for a while. You know, sometimes one person has an operation, and the other one kind of takes charge, and then the other person has some sort of injury, and you can lean on one another, and you can go through life and enjoy life. And you’re telling me something very wonderful, and you’re going to think I’m crazy now, right? But that you had a very good relationship up until that point — up until the whole series of the cancer, the car accident, essentially, that’s the big one, but horrible, right? But without going into the details of that, there is some quality hidden in both of you that was able to enjoy life back then. And granted that your life is much more limited now, part of the skill that you need is how to accept your limitations. It doesn’t mean that you love them, you know.

I have to accept that I can’t do the things that I used to do as a teenager. You know, I don’t have the — obviously, I have more flexibility than you. But I, you know, I can’t — I remember once trying to show my kids how to do a Russian split, you know, a big split in the air. And man, I ached forever after that one. And I said, that’s the last time I’m trying that. So, yes, it’s true. So whatever you were doing that is good, that you can still preserve, whatever hobbies you can enjoy — whether it’s watching movies, whether it’s, you know, having a garden inside the house and flowers in the windows that you grow — whatever you can preserve, please give yourself the opportunity to focus on that, because you can’t help but focus on the illnesses, but you don’t want to make that the essence of your life.

So that’s number one. Number two is the intimacy issue. If you’re afraid of getting infections, if you’re afraid of it being not a romantic encounter but a messy encounter, that is one of the limitations, which means that sex needs to be a little different. It may not be penetration, but there’s no reason why you can’t mutually satisfy either yourselves with each other or satisfy each other knowing that there’ll be maybe a little incontinence, but there’s no insertion, so you’re not worried about an infection, and maybe get used to a little incontinence. You said it was a little more than that; it was fecal incontinence. Yeah. And if you don’t like that, if neither of you likes that, can you live with sensuality rather than sexual penetration? Can you live with giving each other back rubs or shoulder rubs or just some touch that feels sensual with nice creams or oils? Is there a way to just bring sensuality back without the actual intercourse? So that’s what I would encourage you to think about.

Listen, I wish you the best. You know, I really hope you focus on some positive things, Sandra.

Even if our folks still dream about it.

Okay with dreaming about it, you can.

Still do. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner. Now, what do you —

Think Mrs. Crean would like for dinner? Oh, you have free rein. Just bear in mind she can’t have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat starch, sulfites, MSG, or dairy.

And that’s from Frasier. And do you have someone in your family who is extremely restricted? And maybe it’s legitimate, maybe they have an allergic reaction to some particular food, or maybe it’s a preference — they don’t like eating XYZ because of some reason or other. And sometimes it causes a lot of family distress. For example, if someone’s a vegetarian in a meat-eating family and you’re at the holidays or you’re celebrating a birthday party, it can cause a lot of tension. You know, I remember going to one of my family events, and it was actually Thanksgiving, and a relative came in and said, “You murdered that turkey.” Now tell me, is that the way to start off a family event? I mean, it just was very uncomfortable. And what do you say to someone who says that? Do you let the whole tone of the event take on that tension, or do you relieve the tension somehow and enjoy the event with other people in the family?

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

As you learn more about your romantic partner, it becomes easier to nourish your relationship each day. Ask yourself, “What can I do today to make my partner feel loved?” Avoid the error of assuming that what makes you feel loved is exactly what makes your partner feel loved. In The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman recommends that each couple know one another’s most important love languages. One category of love language includes positive encouragement — “I know you can do it” — giving recognition, “Great work!” and showing appreciation — “Hey, thanks for doing the dishes.” We recommend that you show sincere appreciation to your partner every day. These positive gestures are great visibility enhancers.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.