The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

I want to welcome David to the show. David, yes, you're questioning staying with your wife after many years.

David: That's correct.

Dr. Kenner: Yeah. Tell me what's going on.

David: Well, the question is this: My wife and I have had a good marriage for 25 years, okay? And it seems like the last five years we've been captured in a state where we're chronically in conflict with each other—arguing, harsh words, and things like that. The question I have is that we took vows when we got married—for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. And my question is, does each of us have an obligation to the other? I think the answer is yes, but I appreciate some help with it, about remaining each other's highest value. What should a man do? What should a woman do if they're in this situation and they start to question, "Boy, should I consider whether I need to get divorced and find someone else that can be my highest value?"

Dr. Kenner: I think it's one of the hardest thinking problems you'll ever have. You have no obligation to stay with someone if you're feeling conflict together for five years without any way to resolve it. The questions that come to my mind, David, are asking yourself, "What happened?" Why was it good for 25 years, and what happened five years ago that changed? Was one of you interested in somebody else, outside of the marriage? You know, sometimes the sameness of a long-term relationship makes someone else seem a little more exciting. Sometimes, you know, someone buys a boat or a car, or makes a big decision like buying a house unilaterally, and the other person doesn’t like it. But something was triggered. Do you know what it was five years ago?

David: Well, I've been self-employed, and I don’t think my wife has been happy with the decision. Originally, I was very successful in the business, but after the collapse, the business has struggled more. That's been a problem. There have been other stressors in our relationship. For example, a daughter with medical problems that exacerbated the situation and some other things. And I think what's really happened is that our problem-solving ability as a couple is not all that it should be. So we got captured into this negative state where, you know, the situation just sort of deteriorates as communication breaks down, our ability to work together to solve problems goes down. And I think we got caught in a negative spiral. I think we could fix that, and we're actually in therapy now to try to fix that. But I have this nagging question: at what point does a man start to look outside the marriage? And again, what duty do I owe my wife?

Dr. Kenner: It’s not fundamentally what duty you owe your wife. It’s what duty—no, it’s not even about duty. It’s what do you owe yourself? And what you owe yourself, again, is, number one—

Ad Break:

Dr. Kenner: Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Ad:

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

End of Ad Break

Dr. Kenner: And what you owe yourself, again, is, number one, understanding what is happening and why it's happening. Because sometimes, just the clarity of knowing, like you started to tell me, well, she doesn’t like my employment situation and hasn’t for the last five years, and we’ve had conflicts over our daughter’s medical problem. And maybe there are a few more privately, things you don’t need to tell me, but you try to make sense. You try to really get clarity on what went off track. And one way to do that is not just looking outwardly, but looking inward and saying, “What goes through my mind when we have a conflict?” Am I saying to myself, "Oh, she’s so unappreciative," or, "She’s trying to control me"? And if she’s open with you in therapy, she could share with you the themes that go through her mind. Sometimes, when you can isolate your own themes, you realize that some of these themes come from your family of origin. It’s not just from your wife. She might be triggering something from your past.

For example, if my husband came home and wanted to watch the Red Sox, I would be up in arms. Everyone else might think I’m crazy, but I grew up in a family where sports were on TV 24/7. When my dad got frustrated—any time the Red Sox lost, which was often—he would take it out on us. I just wanted a life free of the Red Sox. So if my husband came home and suddenly wanted to watch them, I’d feel like he didn’t love me anymore, which might not be the case. It’s a false conclusion. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t watch the Red Sox.” I would need help to deal with that trauma from my past. So, number one, you want to understand why things went off track.

Number two, what’s the value to you of staying together? If you could envision yourself moving forward—maybe in the next three years—getting back that electric feeling, that comfort and connection, would it be worth fighting for? Some people say, “No, it’s over.” Others say, “Absolutely, I would love that back, I just don’t know if we can get it back.” If you’d love it back, that’s your “selfish” interest, in the positive sense—a self-valuing. It’s in your benefit to try to learn the communication skills that might help both of you. If your wife is on the same page, it’s worth putting in the effort to mend things, not because of vows, but because of what’s valuable to you.

Sometimes, people grow in opposite directions. But if it’s worth trying to repair, consider addressing what’s going on with your daughter and employment. Maybe it's none of those things—often, surface arguments are the tip of the iceberg, and people feel too vulnerable to name the main issue. Maybe it’s intimacy, or something else. Therapy will help you get to the core issues. I hope that helps. What are your thoughts?

David: That all sounds right to me, and I think the therapy— we’ve had four sessions—the therapy is going well.

Dr. Kenner: Wonderful.

David: I think there’s a possibility to correct our problems and have a great marriage.

Dr. Kenner: That’s wonderful. Underscore that with your wife. Okay? Thank you so much. I also have a book on romance with my co-author, Dr. Ed Locke. You can look into that if you’d like.

David: I would like that. Thank you for your help.

Dr. Kenner: Thank you so much, David.

Excerpt from “As Good as It Gets” Scene

Melvin: Pay me a compliment.

June: I need one quick.

Melvin: You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings.

June: A compliment is something nice about somebody else. This is a request from June, now or never, okay? And mean it.

Melvin: Can we order first?

Commentary from Dr. Kenner:

Dr. Kenner: We’ve all been in situations where we feel a compliment is earned, but the person doesn’t give it. However, demanding it isn’t effective, as it may not feel genuine. A gentle expression of your feelings is usually better. Sometimes, a simple reminder like, “I appreciate your feedback” can help, but demanding it usually backfires.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, visit DrKenner.com.

Excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

There are books about online dating, but don’t assume you know someone fully just from website exchanges. You can’t get a complete impression unless you see them face-to-face over time. Safety tips: meet in public, carry a cell phone, avoid sharing personal info initially, and let someone know your plans. Gradually build trust in future meetings if you feel comfortable.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com or buy the book on Amazon.com.