The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Mary, you're dealing with a relationship problem.

Mary: Yes. Hi, Dr. Kenner. Thank you so much for taking my call.

Dr. Kenner: Oh, you're welcome. What's going on?

Mary: Basically, my question for you is whether I should ask my boyfriend, who lives in another state, goes to school and works in another state, whether I should ask him to move to the state that I am in, for us to go forward in our relationship. Or, in other words, how much time should I give him before he makes his decision? He has said that he really wants to move to the state that I am in, because I'm going to school here as well, but at the moment, unfortunately, with the economy and everything, he hasn't had the opportunity to find a job in his major. So it hasn't been made possible so far. It's only been a few months, just about five months, but…

Dr. Kenner: Five months since when?

Mary: Since we… we are officially dating.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, so you're trying to see how committed he is. He says he's committed. Now, can I put a little pressure on him or at least give the request or invitation—however you want to frame it—to come move and live with you or live in the same town as you. Go ahead.

Mary: We're not exactly sure about moving in together. We both come from traditional families, and we're thinking about getting married. The thing is, whether I should ask him to move before he finds a job in his major. He's an engineer, and he really wants to pursue his career in his field, but so far, he's just been remotely looking for jobs online, and, you know, looking for…

Dr. Kenner: The biggest gift you can give one another is to respect each other's minds. That doesn't mean you can't have a conversation about this. You could run it by him, if you haven't done that already, and say, "You know, I'm very mixed because part of me really wants to go full speed ahead and say, 'Come out here,' even though, you know, you'll find a job once you get here." And another part of me feels ambivalent about that. I'm feeling mixed because I don't want to put that pressure on you, and I know how important engineering is to you and the security of having a job. So, honey, I don't know if you're feeling the same way." You could phrase it that way to him.

Mary: Okay.

Dr. Kenner: That way, if you look at it, both of you are struggling with both sides of this issue. You don't want to pressure him, correct?

Mary: Right.

Dr. Kenner: And yet, you don't want things to stagnate where there's no movement at all.

Mary: Exactly.

Dr. Kenner: So you can put the pieces together. What are the chances of him finding a job near you?

Mary: Right now, it's really slim, but all of his effort has been remote. I don't know if it makes a difference if he actually is here, and as far as I understand, my major is different. I don't know much about his, but as far as I've learned, he's been trying to look for it online, putting up his resume, and sending his resumes. So far, no luck.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, he's still in school in another state, though? You said he's working on his master's?

Mary: Yes.

Dr. Kenner: So does he need to stay in that state to finish his master's?

Mary: He's thinking of transferring his program for his master's. He's able to transfer. He's just started his master's program. This is his first semester.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, so if he can transfer, that would work out. You said you've been together five months, but you're not living together.

Mary: Yes, we're not.

Dr. Kenner: How often do you get to see one another?

Mary: Just about every few weeks, every three weeks or so.

Dr. Kenner: Is he someone… it sounds like you're pretty serious about him.

Mary: Yes, I… How old are you?

Dr. Kenner: I'm 28.

Mary: Okay, 28. So you're really… it's not like you're 17, deciding whether you want to settle or not. You're 28; you pretty much know what you want. So everything sounds like it's going smoothly. There doesn't seem to be any problem in terms of just touching base with him and working it through as if you're lovingly putting together a puzzle of what makes the most sense and being willing to look at his side. Be really willing to respect his mind, and then you can tell him what your side is. And as I said earlier, if you frame it as "You know, we both probably are on both sides." If you had side A and side B, one side is to get the job first, wait till you're more settled, and side B is to come out here, and we get to be with one another and do your job search here remotely. We're both on both sides. So let's try to figure out what makes the most sense together.

Mary: Okay.

Dr. Kenner: Any other questions?

Mary: If I may, one more. Would that be okay?

Dr. Kenner: Yep, that's fine.

Mary: Do you think… I don't know how to phrase it, but I'm going to do my best. Do you think it would be a potential problem if the woman in a relationship or in a marriage makes more money than the man?

Dr. Kenner: I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Mary: Do you think it would be a potential problem if the woman in a relationship or in a marriage makes more money than the man?

Dr. Kenner: Well, it really depends. You said you're in a traditional role. So if you assume the traditional role of the 1950s, would that be a problem?

Mary: I guess so.

Dr. Kenner: Yeah, in the 1950s, I can remember even being told by my own Papa that it’s the male ego that matters most, right? Let me tell you, if you want a romantic relationship, that is an awful, awful, awful formula. I see too many women who grew up in the 1950s or had their families in the 1950s with, in quotes, "traditional family" come in many years later and just say, "I've had it. I've done for everyone else my whole life, and now it's time for me." But they're so bitter, and they feel so guilty saying that, that they're just trapped. So if you really are respecting one another's minds, I think… well, what would you say?

Mary: It hasn’t been an issue for me. I’ve dated other people, and I realized I have a lot in common with him, and we have a lot of mutual understanding. That matters the most to me right now than anything else.

Dr. Kenner: Okay. If you don’t care if he’s an engineer, it sounds like he’s a bright man. There are times when he may be making more money than you, times when you may be making more money than him. If you want to start a family, guess who’s going to be out of commission for a little while? It would be you.

Mary: Correct.

Dr. Kenner: So with my husband and me, sometimes I make a little more. Sometimes he does. He has over the course of our relationship. Big deal, you know? It’s just really respecting each other. As long as neither of you feels like one is taking advantage of the other, or being a moocher deliberately. But if it's more a division of labor, then there's no problem. It doesn’t have to be a traditional relationship in the bad sense. Keep the good in the tradition and get rid of the parts that would undermine your relationship.

Mary: Absolutely.

Dr. Kenner: Okay. Thank you so much for your call, Mary.

Mary: Thank you. I appreciate it.

Dr. Kenner: Oh, you’re welcome.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

We've made many suggestions about finding the right partner. This doesn’t mean you should make a checklist of important attributes, then rate every one you date by it and choose the one with the highest score. This is far too mechanical. It’s best to spend time getting to know the person and to keep track of both your own rational judgment of and your emotional responses to that person. Identify what you like and do not like about the person and why. Introspect to identify the causes of your reactions. It sometimes helps to put your private thoughts into words, and keeping a personal journal is helpful in translating feelings into clear thoughts and tracking your love trajectory over time.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.