The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com,

Gina, you're having some financial difficulties.

Yeah, yeah.

What's going on?

I've just gotten into a rut. I lost my job for a couple of weeks.

Okay, you just lost the job, yeah? Terminating because of the economy or because of your... so it's not a personal issue.

No, no. They actually were very upset letting me go.

They were very upset. So you feel valued. So that's one thing to keep in mind, that's important, that it's not personal. And so tell me, where does that leave you? Tell me, what’s most on your mind? What eats at you most? There are many aspects to it when we lose a job, but what's bothering you the most?

I've been relying on my boyfriend to take care of all the financial business, but he's never really had to do that before. Yeah, it's been causing him stress because he just doesn't understand how to budget. Okay, and he won't take any advice from me.

Why won’t he take advice?

Not my money.

Oh, so what would happen? Do you need him to survive right now?

Yeah, okay, until I get another job, I don't have any source of income.

Okay, so the biggest thing on your mind is how to work with him to manage, because it sounds like you're more of a businesswoman. You know how to budget. You know how to think longer range about how you can make the money last longer.

Yeah.

Can you give me an example of something he's doing that's really gotten under your skin, maybe in the past day or so, financially?

Yeah, after I lost my job, I actually bought us a car with the little money that I did have. I spent all of it on a vehicle, and since I've been out of work, he has been driving his friends around and spending most of his money on gas.

Okay, so it’s like you created a monster.

Yeah, I feel like I spent all of my money on something that is causing him to spend all of his money. You know, it's something that hasn't really benefited me.

And when you try to reach out to him, what do you say to him to try to… I mean, it seems so obvious on the surface. What are you saying to him?

I can honestly say, I don't say much.

Okay, so you’re the type that kind of keeps quiet.

Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm a waitress. So I've been sort of conditioned to bite my tongue.

That's really funny to hear because I can just picture these awful people, these people where you have so much more dignity than the people that you're waiting on.

Yeah.

And then they don't even tip you or something, but you've trained yourself to be polite. It’s like the customer rules. Okay, that ain't the case, honey, in a romantic relationship. So the waitress—is that the job you lost as a waitress?

Yeah.

Are you able to find other work? Because that sounds like something that's portable.

I have found other work. I just haven't started making any money yet, and I'm afraid that as soon as I can, I'm only going to be making money to pay the bills that he didn't pay.

Okay, so I'm hearing a few things. One is that this is an opportunity for you to evaluate him. Is he a good lifelong partner for you, and if you ever want kids, is this the type of a dad that you want for your kids?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Is this the type of a dad that you want for your kids?

Spiritually and emotionally, yes, more or less, yeah.

But spiritually and emotionally means—is he tending to you? Is he valuing you? Is he valuing both of you as a couple? I mean, your stored wealth, the money that you earned by using your mind—you stored it in the finances and money. That's what you get paid for, right? Using your mind, being a good waitress. And is he dealing with your mind well, your money well, or his money? No? Or is he escaping? Is he evading? Is he running away from a problem and not looking at the facts?

Yeah.

And if that's the case, what is causing that in him? Are you being rude to him or mean to him, or are you being so quiet that he doesn't know it bothers you? And if you're biting your tongue, you need to unbite it. You need to be very good to your tongue, and you need to let it work with you. Okay, so let me give you an example of something you might say to him. You can say, you know, there's a part of me that wants us to really be able to look back and say that, you know, we weathered my losing a job, we weathered very bad financial times well together, and I want to feel proud of that. I want to feel that we grew closer, that this was an opportunity for both of us to grow closer together and to even feel more affection towards one another. I'm finding that that's not working, and I think it’s because I bite my tongue, and my guess, honey, is that you can tell that something's on my mind when you go out with friends. Is that true? And what might he say?

It's really hard to say. He has a temper.

Oh, yeah?

He just, he tends to lash out.

So what would he say to me? Lash out at me. Give it to me. You really want me to know?

I bet, yeah, without swearing, though.

Oh, that’d be hard. I don't think he'd say many words without swearing.

Okay, but give me a watered-down version of it for radio. What would he say? Say "heck" instead of other things.

He would mostly just diminish my opinion.

"You don't know what you're talking about. You're an idiot. You're stupid," that type of feel?

Yeah, okay.

"It's not your business."

"It's not your business. Get the hell out of my business. I'll make my own decisions. You can't force me. Who do you think you are?" That type of a thing?

Yeah, okay, so if that's the case, you can say, "You know, I do have an opinion. I don't like to be shot down. I'm not looking to run roughshod over your opinion. I'm looking for us to discuss this. And I am very nervous. I'm very nervous financially, and this is not working for me, and I'm considering selling my car." Can you sell your car?

No, I owe money on it.

Oh, so you can't sell it at all?

No, the only thing I could do is stop paying for it and get it repoed.

Well, what do you think about that?

I'd rather not do that.

Okay, I understand that. But you can just tell him that he—okay, but then you can just say that this is not okay to use my car this way. Listen, this is not a romantic relationship, I've got to tell you that, okay? He's got a relationship breaker, which is his temper. And people who have a temper mean that they’ve got some problems. You need to figure out whether you want to stay with him. You have no obligation to stay with a person. He's just a boyfriend. I'm assuming you don't have kids together?

No, he's just a boyfriend.

You want to think hard about this because you'll be on your own, but you're a good thinker. You've told me that from the outset, that you like to budget, you like to think longer range. Give yourself credit for that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I've been teaching for 22 years, and each year these kids get more and more arrogant.

Come on, Vern, the kids haven't changed. You have. Come on. Listen, Vern, if you were 16, what would you think of you?

And what a great question. If you were 16, what would your kids think of you? I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. That was from The Breakfast Club, and it's hard to get a different perspective on yourself. Sometimes we think we're totally right, 100% right, and we don't get outside ourselves to see the context. Well, if I were my kid, what would I think of myself? Am I a bit harsh on them, or maybe I'm a little neglectful of them, and maybe they feel invisible around me. It's very good to shuttle back and forth if you're in any important relationship, just to see how might I be coming across. Not that you're trying to please the other person, but you're trying to gain information about yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

It's unlikely that even an ideal romantic partner will be what you want in every detail. So to be happy, ask the question, what's essential in a romantic partner for me to be happy? Well, you can start by eliminating certain potential candidates. Newspaper love columns are filled with letters beginning, "My partner is a wonderful person, except for one thing." Almost inevitably, this one thing turns out to be something very important, such as drug abuse, infidelity, making parents more important than the partner, neglect, being a cheapskate, being a control freak, or psychological or physical abuse. Any type of abuse is most certainly a deal breaker. Any serious, uncorrected flaw will almost inevitably undermine other qualities that are good.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.