The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is an email I received. This is from Henry. See what you would do if you've ever been put in the bind where you feel like you have to choose between your kids or a romantic relationship, or your kids and going back to school. Those binds are hard, very, very difficult, because it's not that one thing is villainous and the other is good. It’s that both things are good, and you have to figure out how to choose between two good options in a way that will make you feel good 10 or 20 years down the line.

So here's his dilemma:

Dear Dr. Kenner, I have always wanted to be there for my children and raise them until the end. They are a big part of my life. I have found Olivia, the love of my life, and I want to move to America to live with her. My background: I have custody of our two treasures, my 15-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter. They live with me two weeks a month, and have done this for the past 10 years, since I divorced. We live in Canada. On vacation with my kids on the plane, I met Olivia from California. I tried to avoid a long-distance relationship and told her, "Let’s remain friends," but that soon grew into a romance, and now Olivia and I visit each other every few weeks. We’ve even had the opportunity to take longer trips together. I love her immensely, and I cannot imagine myself with anyone else. She is a rare pearl, and I feel so much joy when I'm with her. Olivia also has a 20-year-old daughter who lives with her, and she does not want to settle in Canada.

So here's my dilemma: When I focus on Olivia, I want to move to America right away and live with her, but I've got two kids, and one of them is going off to college next year, but the other one still has three years at home. When I think of not being there for those final three years, it devastates me. I feel I will sorely regret it in the future. I fall apart, and I feel one way or another, whatever choice I make, I am going to be unhappy forever. So what do you recommend that I do?

And this is from Henry. Henry, when you have two wonderful values, please do not frame the problem as, "I will be unhappy forever." No matter which choice I make, I will be unhappy forever. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to your kids. You need to come to terms. You need to look at all the details of what’s going on and then make your decision based on facts.

So it says, it devastates you to think of leaving your children for the last three years, and that's a real clue to yourself.

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

And that’s a real clue to yourself that they are a top value. Now, I'm not saying don't move in with Olivia, but you have not known her as long. So here’s the key piece: you need to know how your kids feel, especially your 15-year-old son. What they say on the surface is not necessarily what they're truly feeling. For example, he may be thinking, "Dad is choosing me over this woman. He's abandoning me. I won't have him in my life the way I've had. This stinks. I have three more years at home. I don't want him to sacrifice me, but I don't want him to go to America. I hate my life." Or your son may say, "This is cool. Dad is truly in love with her, and I'm so happy for him, and I love her too. And it's been crazy going between mom's and dad's home, and I can video chat with dad, and I would love living with mom for the last three years, and dad and I may get even closer." So hope that helps. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

You know, you think of relationships, and sometimes if you had a scale, the scale would feel tipped too far in the direction of the woman. The woman feels like she rules the roost, and the guy has to cater to her, and it’s her way or the highway. And that doesn't work. Sometimes it feels like that scale is tilted towards the guy. The husband or a partner feels like he rules the roost, and the woman buys into that, and it doesn't feel right. It feels like one is a slave to the other, even though it's supposed to be a romantic relationship. Well, what is the alternative?

I want to read you a quote from Ayn Rand, my favorite book. This is from Atlas Shrugged, which is my favorite book. And she says, think of this in terms of a romantic relationship: “My way of trading is to know that the joy you give me is paid for by the joy you get from me, not by your suffering or mine. I don’t accept sacrifices, and I don’t make them. If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade at all. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.”

So just take a moment to think of a relationship that you're in now, or may have been in the recent past, and did it feel like you were in good, in a good sense, traders—T, R, A, D, E, R, S? Did it feel like it was mutual and voluntary, and you both enjoyed each other's company? And yeah, you may have had some rough spots, but man, you felt close to each other. You feel close to each other if you're in that relationship now. Or did it feel lopsided? That scale is tilted one way or the other, and if that's the case, take a close look at your relationship and try to think of what the next step would be to make the relationship more balanced. Maybe you need to talk about something important that you’ve been hiding from your partner, or something that you feel afraid to express. Don’t be afraid. Learn how to express it well so it doesn’t come out whining or in pity or guilt, but just state the facts and let your partner assess them. That will give your partner information as to how to get ahead.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast episodes, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

And here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

There are many deal-breakers when it comes to finding a potential soulmate. If you're in this situation, one thing to be on the lookout for and be cautious about are people with significant psychological or mental health problems, for example, severe repression, significant chronic anxiety problems, recurrent depression, substance abuse, or gambling problems, especially if such individuals are not yet under treatment, have no motivation to fix their problems, or don’t take their problems seriously. Don’t make a partner’s untreated problems your lifetime career. A romantic partner can be supportive but should not be a live-in therapist.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.