The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Cindy, you have some difficulty in a relationship, a romantic relationship.

Yes, that's right, yeah.

Tell me what's going on.

I met him seven years ago. We started seeing each other after he got out of rehab; he had a drug addiction. He’s been clean for four years, but he has alcohol problems, and he's been in and out of rehabs last year a few times, twice, I think. Right now, he's in a sober house.

And your question, are you happy in the relationship?

I was until something happened.

What happened?

I saw him two weeks ago after like five months. I drove three hours, back and forth, saw him for like five minutes. He told me he was volunteering at an animal shelter. He said he asked the sober house manager if I could visit him, but they said no. For five months, I haven’t seen him; we just text almost every day. So, I went there to volunteer, so at least we can see each other, right? I went on Saturday for orientation, and Monday I drove there for dog training. Then I went there Thursday, the day I saw him.

But how did he hurt you? You're saying something happened, right?

Yes, this is what happened. I don’t trust that I can’t visit him because when he was in rehab before the sober house, I went to visit him and met his social worker, who let me visit him eventually.

So, the trust is broken in the relationship. You have someone you haven't been able to spend time with. I hear that you text, but he has an alcohol addiction. You don’t have one, right? What are your reasons for possibly leaving him?

He was very rude to me. He said I embarrassed him. If he had told me he got his car back a week ago, I wouldn't have gone to the animal shelter. He said he asked me not to go.

So, you’re going way out of your way, Cindy, to try to connect with him, and he is not reciprocating. He’s pushing you away. He told you that you embarrass him. I would not want my husband to say that I embarrass him.

But I never told anyone at the animal shelter that we know each other, you know?

Right, but the trust issue is gone for you. You're mad at him, and it sounds like you don’t currently have a romantic relationship. You have a connection with somebody you cared about, but now you have very mixed feelings. You’re deciding if this is good for your long-term happiness. Will he be in and out of rehab over the years? Because even though he was clean for four years, he’s back in rehab and in a sober house. You don’t see him for months. Is this what you want for a romantic relationship? What’s in it for you?

He promised we’d be together in the future. He was living with me for a week last year, but he was drinking all the time and eventually finished all my wine.

Do you come from an alcoholic family?

No, my parents got divorced.

Are you worried about divorcing him?

We’re not married.

Oh, so you’re not married. Do you have children together?

No.

So, what's keeping you with him?

I don’t know—a promise he made that we would be together.

Okay, but he’s already broken your trust. There are some lies that are forgivable, like a surprise party. But if they lie to you and break your trust, and they're rude, it’s a wobbly relationship. He has major psychological problems. The question is, would you be happier without him, maybe finding someone else?

Yeah, I think you’re right, but we've known each other for so long.

I recommend sitting down and figuring out what's keeping you in a relationship where you are not happy. Sometimes, it’s a promise you feel you can’t break because it’ll hurt the other person, or maybe it's your hopes and dreams for the future or guilt. There are many reasons people stay in unhappy relationships or marriages. So, you want to figure out why you’re staying in an unhappy relationship. I can recommend a book I co-authored with Dr. Ed Locke. It’s called The Selfish Path to Romance. By “selfish,” we mean self-esteem, self-respect. Not selfish in a mean way, but self-valuing. That’s the theme of my show—self-valuing for both partners. He’s obviously not doing it, and you can’t control him. In the back of our book, there’s a section on how to part ways and start over if you’re no longer soul mates. Briefly, the steps are: identify the reasons you’re considering leaving, understand what’s keeping you in an unhappy relationship, put all the information together, and make a decision. Then you break the news to your partner and figure out an action plan on how to leave, and learn to live independently again. That might help you. You can get the first chapter free online, and the book is available on Amazon.

Well, the physical part was good, you know?

So, you're saying the sex was good?

Yes, sometimes I am happy. Before he went to rehab, we were good, we were happy together.

You need to think things through. I recommend doing it on paper, but then throw it away afterward since it’s private. Write down: Why am I staying with him? What are the benefits and the drawbacks? Why am I hurting? Because you called because you’re in pain, trying to make a very difficult decision. Would you be happier without him? Will you miss the intimacy? Sure, but you may not miss the downside of his alcohol problems.

Yeah, I thought once he was out of the sober house, everything would improve, you know? There was hope, and then…

So, it’s hard to have your hope crushed. You need to look at all the facts, see the whole picture, and make your decision based on all the positives and negatives. You’ll make a much better decision that way. I wish you the best with that.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Cindy, for your call.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

“What did she say? I couldn't do it. I was about to ask the question. Then suddenly, all I could think of was, what if she said no?” That’s from Frasier. Have you ever been in that situation where you’re passionate about someone? I remember having a huge crush in high school on the guy who sat next to me, Alan, in my Spanish class. I even made collages with his name, Alan, Alan, Alan. I’d leave secret notes for him. He knew they were from me, but he wasn’t interested. Could I deal with rejection? Yes, I had to. Alan thought I was nice, and that felt good. It’s better not to have to hide your feelings. What’s the worst that could happen? They might say, “I’m not interested,” or “Let’s just be friends.” Even if it’s just friendship, that’s still a value.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Beware of infatuation based on looks. Foster met Julianna when she waited on him at a bar. This gorgeous, seductive woman, an aspiring Hollywood actress, captivated him. Foster courted her ardently. She moved in, and he showered her with gifts. But her responses were mechanical, lacking intimacy. One day, she landed a small movie role and then left him for a young actor.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, or buy the book on Amazon.