The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Rob, you have a question about dating an older woman?

Yeah, hi, doctor, hi, thank you for taking my call.

Oh, you're welcome.

I'm in a relationship with a woman who I just adore. She's about 16 years older than me. I'm 38, she's 54, and it's been great. We’ve been together for about two years now and have lived together for about a year. I have found that, being a very independent woman, she's in a place where she doesn’t really need a boyfriend, but she wanted one and sort of wished one into her life. We got to like each other at work, and here we are. I am someone who has had a few relationships, not all of which have been successful. Most of that has been my fault, but some of it hasn't. It's just been bad luck and bad choices. So, you know, I'm in a place where I'd love to continue this and make it better, but I think I’ve caused some problems in the past year that have put her in a place where she wants to re-establish things. She wants to sort of be "roommates with benefits," which is, you know, objectively okay. I mean, most guys would be ecstatic to live in a wonderful house with a beautiful, established, and intelligent older woman who has 15 dogs.

Fifteen dogs?

Yeah.

Wow, okay.

Regular dogs, and then we foster them too.

Okay, so at any point, there's, you know, between 15 and 25 dogs running around.

Holy mackerel.

Which is great! I love it. It’s just been fantastic. So the situation is—

You feel very connected to her, and you want to keep that connection, but you feel like you made a misstep somewhere. You said you caused some problems, and now she wants to change the nature of the relationship to "roommates with benefits."

That's how she initially pitched it. When we were first talking about moving in together, you know, she said she needed a second pair of hands around the house. She was kind of lonely, and I was in a relationship that was ending. We worked together for a year and really got along well with each other. I definitely wasn’t able to deal with some things, though. I was going through some things in my own life and didn’t handle some things very well. I was unhappy with what I was doing for work, and so, you know, she’s at a point where she’s very independent. She’s been married before, and I guess I'm looking for a level of daily connection, daily check-in, that she's not naturally inclined to give, having lived alone for the previous 10 years.

So you connect on many levels. You feel emotionally close to one another, emotionally intimate. Yet, you're saying she's so used to being an independent woman, and she’s 54 years old. She has a career. As you said, you work together, so I’m assuming it’s a career. She doesn't need the same amount of togetherness time you do, so there’s a mismatch between your needs for private time versus togetherness.

That’s part of it. And what's—

Is there another deeper part?

It’s kind of hard to know. I guess it's a point where, as a man, I have to make peace with the fact that it’s not going to be exactly the way I want it. Also, I have to control my disappointment in the moment and not let a momentary disappointment or insecurity lead to an argument.

So you’re saying that it’s led to some arguments that have put a strain on the relationship?

It has, and I pushed it. She’s not someone inclined to engage in negative emotions. She’ll avoid them, whereas, in my previous relationship, I got really good at arguing. So I guess I carried that energy and enthusiasm for argument and conflict into this relationship, which just doesn’t match well with her.

Okay, so you need something different than arguing because, once you put your stake in the sand, it’s hard to pull it out. I co-authored a book on romance with Dr. Redlock, and we talk about conflict resolution. The Gottmans, who are well-known in this area, recommend replacing criticism with a "gentle startup." Instead of using criticism—do you find that you use criticism with her?

Yes, I do. It initially started with her criticizing me. She’s very conscientious, detail-oriented, and had a system that’s worked for her for a decade. So, bringing someone new into her daily life was difficult, and she managed some of that with criticism of the techniques I used to get through my day and complete tasks.

So she's criticizing you, and do you find yourself criticizing her back?

I took it very personally. Instead of criticizing her system, I criticized her personally. Unfortunately, we can’t take any of it back, right?

Right. The Gottmans recommend replacing criticism with a gentle startup. Instead of saying, “Why did you do that?” or “Not again!” you might say, “I’m concerned about this,” or “I see things a bit differently; would you be willing to talk about it?” It’s hard to do this in the moment, but if you can train yourself, even getting it right one out of 100 times, you're moving in the right direction.

The other thing you did well is take responsibility. The antidote to defensiveness is to acknowledge your own part. If you notice yourself getting upset, apologize, saying, “I wish I hadn’t done that.” This self-awareness repairs both yourself and your relationship.

She’s been helping me with this. I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection this year, much of it with her encouragement. She’s an extraordinarily positive and lovely person and has done her own self-development work. It’s been hard-earned growth.

It sounds like you have a nice connection. You just need to see if it will work. I wish you the best.

Thank you for your time, doctor.

Thank you very much.

Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Okay, I’ve got some bad news. There’s no good way to tell you this.

Your god-uncle died.

My god-uncle? There’s no such thing as a god-uncle.

Yes, there is—it’s your godfather’s brother. Remember your god-uncle Charlie?

Oh, I barely remember my godfather. He died 20 years ago.

Well, now his brother’s dead too, so hurry—the wake is in 20 minutes.

As much as I’d like to pay my respects, I have urgent business that just can’t wait.

One hour. You don’t even know why I’m going.

Don’t you love Frasier? That’s Frasier with his dad, Martin. Ever been forced to pretend you like someone while mourning them? Or forced to fake your feelings to please others?

I remember a case where a relative went to a funeral for someone who had been rotten to his family—his kids and wife. When the relative was asked to speak, they spoke honestly, saying, “If only he had been that good to his own family.” Honesty like that is so rare and refreshing.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

The ideal goal in evaluating a potential romantic partner is to find harmony between your emotional response and rational appraisal. If there's conflict between the two, treat it as a red flag to clarify and resolve any confusion before making important decisions, such as marriage. If you consider your partner a fine person but feel nothing emotionally, it won’t work romantically. Likewise, if you feel a strong emotional response but believe the person is a poor match, it also won’t work. You want a strong emotional bond that aligns with your rational judgment of the person.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy the book on Amazon.