The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Right now, I want to welcome Amanda to the show. Amanda, you're having some problems.

Yes, yeah, I am.

Yeah. What's going on?

Okay, well, dating my ex-husband, he left me a year and a half ago, or almost two years ago. We got divorced, and he said that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He just became cold and distant.

He became cold and distant.

Okay, but then he came back four months later, and he tried very hard to get me back. He cried. He sent me flowers. He always made sure I had flowers when the old ones died. He played with my kids. You know, everything was picture-perfect. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Yeah, well, now he had a very, very rough childhood. His grandmother wouldn't let him get up and play with all the other kids. He just had to sit down on the couch. And then his sister was in a really bad car accident when he was 15, and he blames himself for that car accident because they were arguing.

Yeah, his brother died when we were married, and he blamed himself for the death.

Why did his brother die?

He died in a really bad car accident.

And was he driving?

Yeah.

Okay.

He was only 15.

Okay, he was 15 years old.

Yes, oh, that brother.

The brother was the brother, okay?

And he blamed himself for that death because he said if he would have never moved away from his dad's house, then his brother wouldn't have been bouncing from hometown to home, and he would have had a stable environment. His brother looked up to him.

Okay, and he's never talked about it. He would cry to me a little bit, but that was all before the divorce. Now, you know, I can't get him to open up. He doesn't talk. He doesn't have any friends to hang out with. He thinks life is boring. He goes to work and comes home. He'll play, you know, his PlayStation. He says when he plays his PlayStation that it feels like he's accomplishing something.

Okay, so he's escaping.

Yeah, meaning he's running away from yours. You're sensing that he's running away from facts.

What? Tell me what you're going through, then you've led him back. This was a man who you divorced, right? Or he divorced you. He left you because he became cold and distant.

And that was a year and a half ago, and then he came back into your life four months after that, which was how long ago?

About a year.

A year ago, he came back into your life, and he begged and he courted you again, sending you flowers and playing with your kids.

How old are your kids?

They're 12 and 9.

Okay, they're not his kids, right?

No, no, but he's decent with them.

And now he's doing, he's back in, but it's like you don't have him there. The man who was so expressive, who shared his inner life with you, has disappeared. You're back together, but for you, it's very lonely because you're alone in a relationship.

I'm assuming you didn't remarry, right?

No, no, but basically, you had talked about getting remarried when we first got back together, but now he says that he wants to wait until I finish school because I'm in nursing school.

Yeah, and he wants to see how the relationship goes.

But the other night, we got into a fight, and I told him to leave, and he stayed gone for maybe 45 minutes. He took off walking, and then he came back and we talked, and that's when I found out that he feels empty inside, and all he feels is anger.

He told me that he wanted to punch something until it either broke, and he started to bleed because he likes the sight of his own blood because that's how he releases his stress.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where's that ad I saw?

Here it is, the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com.

Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance.

That is interesting.

He likes the sight of his own blood because that's how he releases his stress.

Has he self... that's called self-mutilating if he does something to himself to bleed.

Has he done that before?

Not that I know of. I mean, he gets hurt a lot at work.

And you think it's actually... what does he do for a career?

What does he do at work?

He is a technician for a healthcare facility here. He fixes power chairs and wheelchairs and sets up oxygen and stuff for those who need it.

Okay, so he's in healthcare.

So here's the picture that I'm getting. And again, we don't have the advantage of him verifying this, so just piecing the picture together as you're saying it. He went through a very rough childhood, very traumatic.

So he can play with your kids, but he himself had to sit on a couch. His grandmother forced him to sit on a couch. He has a lot of guilt that he carries and buries away.

He plays PlayStation instead of trying to figure out, did he cause the car accident by arguing? Did he cause the death of his brother by moving away and abandoning his brother?

And his brother was moved from home to home. He's carrying around a ton of unresolved guilt from the way you're describing him.

And a lot of times when people damn themselves, they don't know what to do with that. Instead of resolving it, they escape into alcohol or gambling or sexual escapades, or in this case, it may be just... what is it? The video games, right?

PlayStation.

But it's in place, they get a sense of relief, but it's not long-lasting relief because it's only temporary. The minute the game's over, the minute you finish the drink and the alcohol wears off, you're back to the same situation.

So you now, let's shift to you. You, Amanda, are in a situation where here's this guy who has courted you. You've hung by him, even though he divorced you and was cold and distant.

Is this what you want for your romantic relationship moving forward? He may have some pieces of it, but is this the partner that you want for life?

You don't have to wait.

Okay? If it's the case that you don't want him, it is not your responsibility to make another person's psychology your lifetime project.

Now, if it's your child, that's a little different. You work with them to a certain age, but if it's another person, an independent person who has already dumped you, and he's psychologically dumping you at times, don't look at it from his viewpoint.

Good to look at it from his viewpoint to make sense of things, but the ultimate judge is you, your happiness, your long-range, enduring happiness.

Do you have a good shot of achieving that with this particular man as a partner?

Not if he doesn't get help.

Okay, so already you're clearing the fog.

I love the... can you hear the smile or the little laughter in your voice?

It's not a mocking laughter, it's a recognition that you got the right question to ask yourself, the right perspective, and now your mind is connecting the dots better.

What would be the next step for you to take?

If you want to leave him or let him know, what would be the next step for you to take?

I just have to make the decision to, you know, get him out.

Yeah, I can move forward and be successful with my life and my children.

Yeah.

Now, you could get counseling for yourself. You need to prepare your children because they've had him bouncing in and out of their lives.

But if you could get some help for yourself, you could go to a cognitive therapist, which I would recommend.

You could go to the website Academy of CT for cognitive therapy.org and find a therapist in your neck of the woods that you know you can get the help for yourself, but your happiness matters.

So listen, I thank you very much for the call.

Thank you very much for listening.

Oh, you're very welcome, Amanda, and wish you some long-range romantic happiness.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Oh, somebody is in a mood.

I'm not in a mood.

You are.

Well, I just don't like you telling me to do things that I really don't want to do.

Well, fine.

So touchy.

And that's from Frasier, and we've all been with people who are nagging us.

And we all get in that mood when someone says, "Well, can't you do this better? Or why don't you do this? Or didn't you forget this? Or how come you didn't do that?"

And they just drive you crazy.

It's not that it's a gentle reminder. It's that it's chronic picking on you.

And if you're living with someone like that, or if you are that person who's picking on someone else, you can pick up the phone and give me a call.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

I'm a clinical psychologist, and my number is toll-free, 1-877-Dr-K-E-N-N-E-R.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Your intuitive first reactions to a prospective romantic partner may get you into trouble if you let your initial gut response color everything else, overlooking characteristics that could cause serious problems down the road, or you may ignore positive characteristics that could reverse an indifferent or an even somewhat negative first impression.

Your initial emotional response, whether positive, negative, or indifferent, needs to be validated or invalidated consciously by gaining more knowledge.

This takes time; get to know a person gradually, in layers.

Attentively observe how the person acts in different situations, especially, but not solely, how the person acts toward you.

Ask questions and listen closely to what the person says.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.