The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke. Looks aren't everything, but they do matter, of course. Avoid comparing yourself unfavorably to fashion models. Enjoy doing the best with what you've got—weight, physical fitness, grooming, how we dress, and how we carry ourselves are within our control. Our looks convey our attitude toward ourselves. You have only one body for life, so you might as well take good care of it. Exercising regularly, eating well, and dressing nicely reflect how you feel about yourself and your life. If you pay attention to your health and appearance, you'll like yourself more, and you'll have more aesthetic appeal to others. You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.

Does your job feel like a prison you need to escape from, or your family? Now is your chance to talk about it with Dr. Ellen Kenner, clinical psychologist, taking your calls and questions on job stress, family relationships, or any personal issue. Call her now, toll-free, at 877-DrKenner. That's 877-DR-K-E-N-N-E-R.

I don't actually date a whole lot lately. Why not? Well, when I'm with the boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away. It's not that bad. No, it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.

And that's true. Any of us are more interested in somebody who feels relaxed and is able to speak their mind openly and clearly. But that's not easy. I mean, many of us, especially when you have a high value at stake, like a potential romantic partner, freeze up. We paralyze, and we don't know what to say. We then flood our minds with thoughts like, "What should I say? What does he want to hear? What will impress him?" and that works against you. You want to be able to say, "What am I interested in? What piques my curiosity about him? What would I like to learn about him? What would I like him to know about me?" That's a much more gentle approach to yourself in a dating situation or in any situation.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. I'm a clinical psychologist, and even though it's not therapy, it's an opportunity for you to get some free advice. Problems with friends, with colleagues, with your romantic relationships, with your kids at work, pick up the phone and give me a call, toll-free, at 877-DrKenner. I have a website, DrKenner.com, with all sorts of information, articles to read, and books.

Right now, I want to welcome Tim to the phone. Tim, you're having some difficulty in your marriage. Tim, hello?

Hi, Tim, you're having some difficulty in your marriage. Yeah, you've got the kids there?

Sorry about this. No, that's okay. I just want to get away from the kid. That's all, yeah, that makes sense.

So, um, yeah, for some reason, I don't know why, but I'm lying to my wife, and it's not about big stuff, just small stuff that she says she doesn't really care about. Okay? And I can't, I don't know why it's ruining my relationship. And even when she confronts me with it, I still, until she backs me in the corner, that's when I give it up, like I told you. Know what I mean?

Okay, give me one example of something—I'm assuming you're not having an affair.

No, no, no, no, no, not big stuff. So give me one or two examples of what you're lying about.

Well, kind of embarrassing, but there was one time I told her she meant everything to me. I didn't need to do anything. And then one day, I masturbated, and I said I didn't need to do that, and I did it, and she found out, and she got mad at me.

And then another one—we're having—I’m having trouble getting an erection, yeah? So I went out and got some Cialis, and I didn’t tell her, yeah, and she found out about it, and I hid it from her, and she got mad about that.

Is it all related to romance, to sex, to intimacy?

No, give me an example that's totally not romance, because that puts it in a different category for me.

Yeah, but it's only been since I've been with her. One time I was going to meet her for a long lunch. Yeah, and my friend came over, and I told her I couldn't meet her for lunch, and she got mad.

Okay, so it does extend beyond the intimacy.

Okay with the intimacy? If you're feeling like you need to impress her, then it's, you know, it's not easy for, especially for men, to know how to manage a sexual relationship when they might need a little help from Cialis or when they have a difference in frequency—they're turned on more than women, and that's typical. It doesn't go across the board. You can always find exceptions to the rule. But is it okay to self-pleasure? And I would say that that's a conversation that would be well worth both of you having. Is it okay to self-pleasure, or is that cheating on one another?

No, she said it's all right, but it just—I just don’t—I’m not forthcoming about it. You know, I’m—oh, I think I’m more embarrassed I did it.

Okay, so you're over-promising. It's right.

Yeah, Tim, it sounds like you're—this is a learning curve. How long have you been married?

We were married five years.

Five years. Okay? And it’s a learning curve that if it’s—if there’s so much unearned guilt tied around sex, people make themselves feel guilty about everything, and some things they need to feel guilty about, but some things, like self-pleasuring, assuming you’re not doing it to child porn or something, it’s not a problem.

No, when I’m doing it, I do it—I use a picture of her.

Oh, that’s interesting. Well, if you invite her in, if she’s given you the okay, then it’s okay to self-pleasure, to enjoy the wonderful feelings that you can give yourself, and work with her. It’s hard for couples to be openly forthcoming. I’ve dealt with couples who have been married for decades, and they’re still dealing with what you’re dealing with because they haven’t had the conversation. So you guys have an opportunity fairly early on in your relationship to talk about what’s okay and how when you feel embarrassed, that’s a cue for you to say, to coach yourself gently, be careful to tell her the truth. You don’t want to lie. So if embarrassment for you triggers lying, then be aware that that emotion can now—you now have an alternative, which is, okay, I’m feeling the urge. I’m feeling embarrassed. That must mean I’m feeling a little bit of that urge to conceal, to hide, to lie, to fib, to jury-rig things. Let me turn it around and just tell her the truth, and then you can rehearse it in your own mind. Don’t—if you’re going to tell someone the truth, don’t tell them a partial truth.

Yeah, let’s see. That’s the problem. I do tell, and then I do tell her half-truths.

Okay, then she keeps asking questions, and I try to avoid that, right?

And you’re looking to rebuild trust. So train your mind. It’s with you, within you, to train your mind that a partial—I've had couples that come in, and the husband will say, “I’ve had three affairs or five affairs,” and he tells the wife about one of them, and it’s like, well, the problem still remains because she’s going to know that you’re acting funny. You’ve never come clean. If you’re going to come clean, come clean.

Yeah, that’s what she says, yeah.

So she does tell me that, okay, but even when she, like, confronts me right out, I still don’t. And then she’s like, “Oh, really?” And then, you know, and she’s upset—really upset, like she’s on the verge of saying, “That’s it. It’s over.”

So you need to rebuild the trust with her and with your friends. If you’re trying to have some private time, ask her about private time for both of you, and you need to negotiate that in the relationship. I don’t mean a heavy sit-down negotiation. I mean, uh, we both—it’s good in a relationship to have private time for one another, assuming it’s not with another partner. So you want to just sit down with her and say, “Listen, there are times I like being with my buddies,” and she might feel real resentful with the kids, and that might bring up other issues if she feels like the weight is on her. Because the big word, if I had a four-letter word for a relationship, is F, A, I, R—fair. To have things feel fair for both of you, the division of labor, okay?

Meaning, you know, sharing the amount of responsibility with the kids, with whatever household work needs to be done, with the income, yeah?

That’s not the problem. That’s all good. Like, we have... Yeah, like, we both married before. This is our second time. Okay? We both have two kids.

Okay, let me recommend a book to you because we’re right at the end of time here. I know you didn’t have an affair, but you’re trying to rebuild the trust with her. And the book is After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust—when a partner has been unfaithful but has lied. Healing—it’s After the Affair is the name. You can get it on my website, DrKenner.com, and I want to thank you for the call. We’re right at the end here.

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