The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Here's a question from Joel, and we've all felt lonely at different times in our lives. But what happens if you're 30 years old and you feel very lonely and you've never had companionship and you want it? Is it too late to start? See what you think.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, what would you say to a man in his 30s who doesn't date and has never had a girlfriend? I have been plagued by loneliness my whole life, and I don't consider myself physically repulsive.

Joel, okay, Joel, notice the way you're framing the problem. If I framed a problem that I was having like that, it has a feel to it. It feels very heavy. And if we look at the details, you say you feel plagued. Plagued is a really heavy word. If I felt plagued with a job loss problem or that I didn't have a romantic partner, it makes me feel powerless and helpless. So when you frame your desire for companionship, you want to reduce the loneliness. This is a lovely value you're going after. When you frame it as being plagued by loneliness, it makes the problem seem unsolvable.

So one skill you can take from cognitive therapy is just recasting—reframing. Reframing is the term that is used in cognitive therapy for the way you state the problem. State it in a more self-respecting and more optimistic manner, a more hopeful manner. So you could say the same thing. You could say:

"Hi, Dr. Kenner, I'm in my 30s, and I've never dated, and I've never had a girlfriend, but I would like to change that and gain the courage and confidence to try dating. What would you recommend?"

Do you see? It no longer has that heavy feel anymore.

So the next thing is, what to do? What action can you take? Well, psychology is causal, and you want to discover by asking yourself, "What are the barriers that have kept me from dating until now?" You say, "Well, how would I answer that question?" Listen to your own self-talk. What you say to yourself, your inner monologue when you think about the prospect of dating someone. You see a lovely girl. You're in a library, you see a lovely girl there, or you're shopping at the store and you see a nice woman. Or you go on a dating website, internet dating website, and you see someone you're interested in. And then something kicks in for you, because you're 30 years old and you hadn't dated. What do you say to yourself? Do you say to yourself something along the lines of:

"You know, my parents were always fighting, and relationships will never work out. What's the use? Why bother?"

Is that what kills it for you? Or do you say something like:

"Oh, man, I grew up around three sisters and we fought all the time, and I just don't know if I can make it in a relationship, or I'm afraid I'll be rejected."

Well, man, if you don't try, you'll never succeed. You'll always feel rejected anyway. You'll feel like a loner.

So you want my husband's attitude. His was "nothing ventured, nothing gained," and he dated a lot.

So you want to understand your self-talk, your unique self-talk, and figure out, is it accurate or not? Can you change it at all? Can you make it more reasonable? And then ask yourself, what would it mean to succeed? How would that change your life if you had companionship in it? Make yourself hungry for that value, and also know that romance takes learning some skills. I actually wrote a course, Courting Success in Romance, and you could read books on dating, or you could get my course at DrKenner.com and give yourself the skills and the courage to try dating. Or just try going out to a coffee shop with somebody, or try having a conversation with them.