The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com and @Amazon.com

Alice, you're having some difficulty with romance, I hear?

Yes.

Yeah, tell me what happened.

Trying not to cry. But I was married for almost 10 years, okay, and we had had problems through the marriage. My husband had a son from his prior marriage that had caused some trouble, and he didn't like the way that I dealt with his son, because his son did not respect me, and I tried to make him respect me. And you know, I wasn't mean to him. It's just I would talk to him and, you know, try to redirect him, and my husband did not like that. But anyway, I was still willing to work on the marriage, and my husband decided that that was not going to work. And so at this point, I'm—you know, we were almost done with the divorce, and it's been a whole year in the making. Been a long year. He's done a lot of things to me.

Yeah, go ahead.

Financially, personally, you know, a lot of things, and I'm just having trouble starting over. You know, how do you start over after you've lost someone for that long, and loved them so deeply, and you got hurt so badly? I mean, I'm trying to even love myself again, because I feel like I lost that. I feel like something had to be wrong with me.

Okay? So it sounds like you're blaming yourself—"If only I had... Why didn't I?"—and you're beating up on yourself that way?

To a point. I mean, I thought the whole situation, the whole marriage over, and the only thing I can figure that I did wrong was that maybe I shouldn't have, you know, tried to correct his son, you know, the way I did.

Well, then it sounds like you have a very good report card for yourself then, if that's the only thing. If you look at it from that perspective...

I've tried to look at everything. You know, I feel like I was a good wife to him. Yeah, I always put him first—even before myself.

Okay, maybe that's why you're having a little bit of difficulty loving yourself.

Could be, yeah.

But I just—I felt like that was what you were supposed to do when you were in a committed relationship. You put them first, and they put you first.

But then neither of you were first with yourselves.

Right, true.

And what you want to do in a relationship is not lose yourself and be in the shadows of the other person. You know, who wins if you're always doing something for him and he's always doing something for you? Then who gets lost in the mix? Both of you.

Right.

So one of the things you can take away from this, partly to recoup yourself, to restart yourself, is that you want to learn that putting yourself first doesn't mean that you can’t have an incredibly wonderful relationship moving forward—and it will be even better—because if you love yourself and never abandon yourself in a relationship, never treat yourself as a second-class citizen, right? Never put yourself in the shadows. Then you'll even be more compatible, because you'll be honest with him. For example, let's say that you wanted to—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download Chapter One for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Never put yourself in the shadows. Then you'll even be more compatible, because you'll be honest with him. For example, let's say that you wanted to have a hobby that was a reasonable hobby to have, right? And he didn’t want you to have that hobby, or he didn’t—you’re laughing. Is that the case?

That’s part of what happened too. My heart is in rescuing animals, okay? And he told me that the ones that were mine—I go for the special needs ones because they just pull at my heart more.

Yeah.

And they don't get adopted as easily. And he told me that they should have been put down.

Yeah.

Because there was a reason that they were homeless.

Yeah.

And he didn't want to foster and have them at the house.

Okay. But that’s—that’s a tricky one, because some hobbies... If it were that you wanted to work at an animal rescue place, or let's say that you wanted to go into veterinary medicine and try to rescue them even biologically—you know, to save them. If that was your passion in life, and that’s what you want—you want to be able to pursue that. If you’re bringing it into the house, then that becomes a problem, because then that does affect both of your lives—his life included. So it’s not that you would need to give it up, but you do want to find passions in your life. I mean, now you can do it, right?

Right.

Because you’ve got that—you’re—are you living on your own now?

Yes, I am.

Okay. So one of the things would be—one of the lifelines back to enjoying your own life—is to find a hobby for yourself. And also, are you working or were you a stay-at-home mom?

No, I was working. I still am.

And you still are. Are you enjoying your work?

It’s all right. And there’s a problem that he and I both work at the same place.

Oh, that is a problem. So how often do you see him?

Maybe once a week. I’ve started parking in a different spot because we actually work at the same plant site and everything.

Yeah.

And I’ve changed my routine, you know, to where I come in earlier and leave later, and I don’t go to lunch at the same time and that sort of thing. So I try not to run into him.

But that’s self-respecting. That’s very good for you—if you’re capable of starting to rearrange your life so it’s less torture for you. If you could change jobs—that may not be feasible—you know, that’s another possibility.

Exactly.

If you like the type of work you do, then you may not want to change jobs, but—

I pretty much like where I am, and I’ve been there nine years, and he’s been there ten, so I don’t think either one of us are really going to leave.

Okay. So here are the key things: Number one is, you never want to lose yourself in a relationship. You do have to compromise on a few things. Like, my husband wanted a lot of animals—you guys would have been compatible. We had three dogs, and then, you know, they passed on, because we were married many years. And we decided not to have any more pets. So he got a little bit of what he likes, and I got a little bit of what I like. So there are compromises that way. But if he were passionate about, let’s say, being a veterinarian, and I told him I never wanted him to handle animals, we are incompatible. That’s not fair. He has a right to pursue his career.

So the key thing that you want to know is not to lose yourself in any relationship. And the way not to lose yourself is to think about the things that you value most. And it may be working with animals. It may be things that you've never thought of doing. It may be—maybe—what are some other hobbies that you might like, things you’ve never tried but you’ve thought of trying?

Yeah, it’s going to take a little bit of trying too. Okay, I know what—I’ve been into a little bit of sewing, and—

Okay. There may be those activities. If you want to meet somebody, I’ll throw out one possibility: dance—ballroom dancing. If you don’t like it, don’t even touch it. But it’s a wonderful way to meet people, if you’re wanting to restart your own life. But you want to have values in your life—which I mean the goodies, the hobbies, the things that interest you, that make your day interesting.

Thank you so much for calling.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this.

Ned, here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Sometimes partners feel that one or the other is being unfair, but often neither is intentionally trying to provoke or take advantage of the other. For example, Doug feels that Marcy is being unfair when she leaves clothes and boxes scattered all over the house. Doug is neat and organized, and due to his sense of order, he thinks she should just know better. He feels put upon as he picks up after her. Marcy has no idea that such behavior bothers him and resents that he is irritably intruding on her method of unpacking. Such perceived unfairness can be resolved with better communication. Partners should not keep an accounting ledger to make sure there’s fairness—that’s far too mechanical. Goodwill and a sense of fairness will often do the job.

You can download Chapter One for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com