The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here is a question about pointless fights and affairs too. From Rosa,

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I live with my boyfriend, Ethan. We are both quick to anger, and we have pointless fights. We love each other, but never tell each other we do. We've had many problems over the years. I cheated on him, but we both want to stay together and make the relationship work. I suggested that we show more love and less bickering. He snapped back. Love has to be earned. Is this true? Ethan said he's no longer angry about my cheating, but that his love for me has to regrow. I love that term "regrow." Can we ever love each other the way we once did? Thanks, Rosa.

Rosa, this is going to take a lot of effort because if you're quick to anger, and both of you are, and you both have pointless fights, the point is the fights are not pointless. You need to get to the point of the fight and learn better communication skills. So, with effort, yes, you could both work to rebuild the relationship if both of you are indeed on the same page and if you have success along the way and grow closer to each other.

I love that term "regrow the relationship," and your boyfriend Ethan is exactly right. And I think you know it: love has to be earned. You know they say love is unconditional, and we say that, and there's a disconnect in our minds when we say it. Let me explain that a little better. Love is what? Love is an emotional response. It's an emotion that we feel, and what would cause, let's say, a love response or a hate response, or anything in between? It's your own knowledge, Rosa, of the person—in this case, Ethan—and Ethan's knowledge of you and your evaluation of that knowledge.

For example, I'll use myself as an example here. I love my husband. Now, why is that my automatic emotional response to him? Love? It's not hate. It's not indifference. Is it because he's my husband? No. You know many people in your own lives who hate or dislike their own spouses. They can't wait to get away from the old lady or the old man who is in their hair again, and they can't wait to have a day free of him.

My love for my husband is based on...

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

My love for my husband is based on my knowledge of his character. Now, what does that mean? It means his honesty, his good humor, his gentle and direct communication style. He doesn't beat around the bush, and yet he is very warm. His playfulness, his way of showing love to me, his knowledge of me—so I love him. If he were someone else, if he were different, if he was snapping at me all the time, I would feel towards him like I would towards a dog that snapped at me all the time. You know, get away from me. I'd want to put him on a leash and put him out in the kennel.

So if my husband became quick to anger, if he gave me the silent treatment, if he lied to me, if he was sarcastic towards anything I love, like bike riding, I would not feel the same towards him. I would feel angry, hurt, frustrated, and betrayed, and I would want to leave him.

So I want to make the point that love has to be earned—not by groveling and becoming a people pleaser or a doormat—but first, Rosa, by valuing yourself. A prerequisite to any flourishing romantic relationship is that you make yourself lovable for yourself.

Now, my favorite author, Ayn Rand, wrote The Fountainhead. I'll now read a quote from it: "To say 'I love you,' one must first know how to say 'I.' How to love." And this is me speaking now—that's the end of the quote: "How to love yourself." And she also writes, "It's for one's own personal, selfish happiness that one seeks, earns, and derives love from another person."

So both of you have some work to do to regrow your love, Rosa. The first is to earn your own love of yourself, to make yourself lovable, and then if both of you are quick to anger, anger is a relationship killer. You then want to learn anger management skills to learn how to communicate better with one another.

The second big point is you need to do what you're recommending, which is to catch the good in one another and tell each other why you love each other. That’s making each other visible. You can get that in my book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke: It's The Selfish Path to Romance, how to love with passion and reason. And that selfish doesn't mean mean. It means self-valuing, self-esteem, self-responsibility for more.

Dr. Kenner Podcast. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Here are more aspects of a romantic partner you'll want to find out about: What does your romantic partner's job or career mean to him or her personally? In what ways is it important? Knowing why a job or career is important is valuable to both of you, ensuring visibility. How does your partner view family and specific family members? How important is the extended family? What is your loved one's self-concept? How does your partner see himself or herself? Does this contradict how you see your partner? If so, this could be a source of conflict. How much private time does your partner need?

And you can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.