The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com.

Now here's an email I received from Alan.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. Short Story, had an affair. My wife, Carly, is devastated. Me too, but somehow I can't get the other woman, Trisha, out of my mind. Trisha lives in another state. My relationship with her is through torrid emails. I get anxiety-ridden thinking about being with her. For Trisha, it's more of a friendship. She's 20 years younger than me. I have been married 27 years, and I'm pretty happy. I might add, this thing was spontaneous and impulsive. I'm seeking counseling now, but it's been a very rough road. How the heck do I know if I'm really happy in my marriage? And my thought is I would not have done this if I was truly in love. So something is driving me away from my wife. I just turned 60. I doubt my situation is unique. Then again, maybe they're all unique in some way. I'll take any advice.

Alan, so Alan, the first question is, you know, you turned 60, what are your thoughts about turning 60? Do you feel over the hill? Do you feel like you're missing out on life? I mean, you're attracted to a woman that's 20 years younger; you haven't met her, and you're engaged in a relationship on the internet when you say that you're pretty happily married for 27 years.

Let me talk first a little bit about your reaching out, because I always think that's great. You do seem genuinely eager to understand yourself and to know how to manage the damage you've done to Carly, your wife, and to repair your own self-image, your own self-esteem. And also, what decisions do you make going forward, and are they even in your control? Maybe Carly will decide to leave you. And then the decisions are, how do you make that break with one another? Do you do it in a way that's more self-respecting and respectful of each other, or are there a lot of wounds that occur along the way?

So let's talk about affairs for a moment. Reaching out is always good—always give yourself credit for reaching out, for getting the counseling. I think that's great because you're seeking to understand yourself, your own behavior.

Now, let's talk about affairs. Affairs feel so great in the moment, and then they totally mangle lives. I've seen it happen again and again and again. So what's at stake is much more than your marriage to Carly, if that's a very important relationship. But what's even deeper is—

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it, a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So what's at stake is much more than your marriage to Carly, that's a very important relationship. But what's even deeper is your relationship, Alan, with yourself. How do you feel about yourself after having had the affair? Some people say, "Man, I feel great. My wife treated me terribly, and we were living together through inertia, and I should have left her years ago." You know, you still deceived her. You have to deal with that. But if you're with an abusive partner, maybe you feel, "I should have done this long ago," and you don't feel the guilt that most people feel with an affair.

For others, and this sounds more like you, it's more mixed. You're devastated that you had an affair because you had a pretty happy 27-year marriage, and you are very attracted to the enticement of torrid emails from this other woman, Trisha, but you've never been with her. You just imagine being with her, which has to be anxiety-provoking, because it totally changes your life. And you can't get Trisha out of your mind, so you're very mixed. You're very ambivalent.

What do you do? And you're thinking, "Do I go with her physically? Do I move and spend some time with Trisha?" So you ask yourself the question, "How the heck do I know if I'm really happy in my marriage?" I would change that question to "How do I know if I'm really happy in my marriage?" because when you throw in "how the heck," your subconscious says, "No way, honey, there ain't no way to ever figure this out," and there certainly is a way.

So are you happy in your marriage? Write down all of the benefits on a sheet—everything you love about Carly, everything you enjoy about being married to her as an individual, not just marriage per se. Not just the security and comfort of somebody being there, but Carly herself. What is it about Carly that you enjoy? Have you told her that? What is missing in the relationship? Where did your love, your sexual life, your intimate life, go off track? What contributions do both of you feed into that? What role did both of you play?

Sometimes an affair is a wake-up call for a couple, and they grow from it. Many times, though, it's devastating. The trust is broken, and it's very hard to rebuild it. So you do want to do that introspective work of asking yourself, "Why, if I really love my wife, did I act spontaneously and impulsively? What at that moment was going on? Are there some resentments I may have that I haven't talked about with my wife?"

I would see if your wife would come into therapy for some sessions. Maybe start with some individual ones, then have some couples sessions. You can also get the book—I highly recommend it, it's on my website, DrKenner.com: After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring. That's an excellent book, and she talks about reacting to the affair, looking at your options (should I stay or not?), and then recovering from the affair. And she does address the love issue.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

You can share the same religion or secular philosophy, be of the same race and nationality, or come from the same social background and still be different in enough fundamental ways, including sense of life, to make a successful romantic relationship impossible. Your aspirations for the future need to be compatible. For example, it is important for partners to be comfortable with each other's level of ambition. This does not mean both need to have the same level of ambition, but their ambition should not conflict. One partner may need to work long hours or move frequently to get ahead; the other partner must be on board with this for the relationship to work.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com.