The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here is a question I got from Bethany. If you've ever had a controlling mom or an abusive dad, listen up.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. Chad and I have been dating for three years since high school. My mother and stepdad only permitted us to see each other every other month, so we had to hide that we were seeing each other more frequently. Literally, for three years, they said, "Okay, you can see Chad this month; next month, you're not allowed to." I hated lying, but what other choice did I have? My mother shuns me if I don't do exactly what she wants, exactly her way. I've never lied on other things or been in trouble. I've been the good kid. My family is not a warm and welcoming one, even to me, so why would they ever welcome my boyfriend, Chad? My stepdad was abusive. I worked three jobs in high school and paid their bills, and I graduated high school with honors. When I went to college, my stepdad finally found a job, and now they're supporting me. It allows me to focus on my studies to become a family law attorney, but I feel dependent on them. Chad and I are serious, and I'm 19 years old. I think I can decide whom I love. By the time my mom was my age, she was married with a baby. My parents dislike Chad because, in their words, he does not have or come from money. Chad had a hard childhood, and he's been working to get his life in order. They want me to marry a rich man while they barely have the money themselves. I've reached out in many ways to help them see what I love in Chad. Chad has babysat my siblings. He went to dinner with my family, with and without me. He cleaned our house. He did outside work while my stepdad was out of town, all to no avail. How do I tell my parents as soon as possible that I'm back with Chad? I am looking for a job. Thanks, Bethany.

Bethany, it sounds like you have such wonderful character. I would love to meet you. You worked hard. You've graduated with honors, and you're working for your law degree. Very well done. So you have a very nice sense of independence. You're pursuing a career that will be rewarding to you, and you're pursuing Chad, the person you love. So I love that you have the courage to be true to yourself. Your parents do not own you, Bethany.

What's at stake, though? Let's look at this. In one sense, your relationship with your parents is at stake. They've not been nurturing parents, so let's take a closer look at them. Do they value you, or are they using you? They're not warm and welcoming. You describe your stepdad as abusive. You were working three jobs to pay their bills, and they want you to marry someone rich. Why do they want you to support them? Your mom is very controlling. You know, on one hand, you might think, well, she's just—she just doesn't want you to follow in her footsteps. She was pregnant with a baby and married at your age, and maybe it was rough, and she's just got this protective caution around you. Or is it that she is envious of you, jealous of your success going to school, and has ulterior motives—that you are their meal ticket?

So notice that you can try to reach your parents with reason, and you've done that, but nothing that Chad has done changes their mind about him. You can show that he's got a good character, that he's willing to work, he's willing to help out, he's willing to babysit, work in the yard, and if it doesn’t help, then you can see that that gives you more information about who your parents are.

So what else is at stake? Your relationship with your parents is at stake, but also your financial ability to stay in college is at stake. You can choose not to tell your parents. You are an adult, Bethany, and it is your private life. If you choose to tell them about Chad, which is what you're asking, you are taking the risk of losing their financial support. So you want to ask yourself, what are some other financial options? Can you get a merit-based scholarship or some other financial support, or maybe work in the legal career and earn some money?

If you decide to tell them, you could tell them something along the lines of, "I want to share something with you, Mom and Dad. I'm not sure how you'll understand this. I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm seriously dating Chad. I know he's not wealthy, and that's a disappointment for you. He is ambitious, and he's a loving partner. Now that I'm almost 20, I'm hoping you'll respect my choice, and I'm hoping you'll come to know him as I've known him." You could tell them something like that.

Unfortunately, Bethany, you can't pick your parents, and you deserved much better, and you may need some healthy distance from them.

Now my last word is on Chad. You have evaluated him as good for you. I would recommend getting my book, the book I wrote with Ed Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason, and read the chapter on choosing a partner. When you read that, you may, with flying colors, say Chad's the one for me, and I hope that's the case.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

"Personality refers to ways of acting that are habitual. Often, the first thing that strikes us about another person is whether that person is nice. By nice, we don't mean the syrupy, selfless, sweet type of person who has no independent values and never judges anyone. We mean the genuinely friendly person who is considerate, pleasant, tactful, and shows goodwill. The opposite is a person who is just not nice—someone who's unfriendly, impolite, inconsiderate, grumpy, gratuitously critical, tactless, or otherwise shows ill will. Genuinely nice people create a positive emotional climate, and this helps romance thrive."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.