The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

Here is a 15 year old girl who is kind to everyone, yet still feels unpopular or overlooked. In this episode, we explore the hidden link between self esteem, people pleasing, and popularity. Discover why being ?too nice? can sometimes backfire, how low self worth affects relationships, and practical steps to build genuine confidence. Whether you?ve wondered ?Why don?t people like me?? or want to stop people pleasing and strengthen your self respect, this conversation will help you understand the deeper dynamics of self esteem and connection.




Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is an email I received from a 15-year-old.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I am 15 years old, and I am losing popularity fast. I used to be friends with so many people. Now everyone seems to hate me, and I've been nice to everyone. They just don't seem to like me anymore. Please help me be friends with everyone again. Thanks. Jody.

Okay, Jody, when you talk about wanting to be friends with everyone, that's unrealistic. I mean, I don't think I'm friends with everyone. Not everyone likes me. And I think some... I like some people a lot, I like some people a little, and I don't like some people. So when you're looking to be Miss Popularity, that's not going to be helpful to you.

What you want instead is to think about: What do I want in a friendship? What do you want in a friendship? Do you want not just a lot of admiring people who listen to what you say, but do you want one or two genuinely good friends? People you can go to, who are warm listeners, who are interesting, who share the same activities and interests that you have, who have the same type of sense of humor that you have, and you guys are interested in the same things?

You don't need a whole bunch of people. You want to make your goal: How can I find a good friend? And it may not be with the same group of friends. So that's the first part. In terms of popularity, I would shift that from instead of thinking you need to be in quotes ?popular,? make the goal to be to find a good friend. And it can be one or two friends.

The next thing you say is, ?Now everyone seems to hate me.? The first thing that comes to my mind is ?everyone? ? that's mind reading. You're assuming you know what's on their mind. Obviously, you're picking up some feedback from them that they're not as comfortable with you as they have been in the past. But ?everyone? means a group of individuals, and you want to treat each of them as individuals, not like it's a big glob, and the big glob of ?everyone? is now against you. Think of it in terms of individuals.

Why isn't Susie talking to me? Why isn't Jane talking to me? Why isn't Aaron talking to me anymore? You want to figure out: Why do they just seem like they walk away from me? And when I go over to their locker and try to talk with them, they turn around. You want to be able to approach one or two of them on a one-on-one basis and say, ?Hey, what's up? You know, I feel like something's going on, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like you've been walking away from me. Help me understand that better.?

If you're not afraid to ask someone that you feel more comfortable with in private what's going on, you may find out more data. You may be given some feedback that's helpful to you. So just jumping to the conclusion, thinking that everybody hates you, you may be delighted to find out that it's not 100% true, that there are people that like you, that may just be busy or they have a lot of homework to do. So you need to do some homework and not just look like it's a big glob, a big group of people.

The other thing you can do is privately ask yourself,

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband's life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

The other thing you can do is privately ask yourself: Is there anything that I've heard from people ? like my mom and my sister and my aunt and friends ? tell me? ?I talk too much, I don?t listen,? or ?I'm always focused on myself,? or ?Maybe I talk too fast or send too many emails or text too much,? or ?I'm always asking for favors,? or ?I'm begging people to be my friend.? Those are very off-putting behaviors.

In fact, there's a book called The Loneliness Workbook: A Guide to Developing and Maintaining Lasting Connections by Mary Ellen Copeland. She talks about relationship turn-offs, and those are some of them. Sometimes you can invade someone's space and cling to them too much, and they don't like it. They want to be able to breathe.

So if you're engaging in any of those types of relationship turn-offs, man, it's really good to find out about them when you're 15, because you can change them. And you obviously have had a history of being popular, so you did something right before. It could have nothing to do with relationship turn-offs. Maybe you're a really warm person, a good listener with a healthy sense of humor and interested in ideas. Maybe you're a wonderful person. But maybe there's an envious person in the group that's told people gossip about you that isn't even true.

You need to do the detective work. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid ? maybe there's even a school guidance counselor that can help you through this too. But don't be afraid to ask the people themselves, one-on-one, what's going on, and that can help you.

So I also recommend ? you're 15 years old ? I read a book a little later than that called The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and I learned how important it is to really value yourself, to be your own best friend. I know that sounds like a cliché, but when you can be your own best friend, you actually are more likable to other people too. Make your own life interesting, and you become more interesting to other people, and you attract better people into your life.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Here's a very quick email from Andy. Hello, Dr. Kenner. Can a man's sexual appetite be blocked by harsh financial situations? The answer is absolutely yes, Andy. If you're feeling like you're successful financially and you love your job and you've got a good hobby, then you'll feel like you want the reward of sex. If you feel like you're a failure financially and you can't get anywhere in life, you're not going to feel like celebrating as much. And sex takes a very different... it does... it isn?t anywhere near as enjoyable, and you may not even want it anymore.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories in goal setting:

Fitness, which is obviously good for your health, affects appearance. Being fit makes you look and feel better, whether you do it by means of sports, going to the gym, dieting or some other activity you may enjoy. Engaging in fitness activities with your partner ? though this isn't always feasible ? and when you feel better about yourself, you wear more attractive clothes, you look more confident and pleasant. Your partner may find you increasingly sexy, and you may feel less self-conscious when it comes to romantic intimacy.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.