The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com.

?And once this I hear about you bailing out on detention today, I'm not giving up my Math Club time to babysit a bunch of delinquents.?

?Excuse me, those kids need your attention as well.?

?But the ones who try actually deserve it, and that whole idea of deserving it, the ones who try, the ones who put in the effort deserve the rewards and the ones who don't, the delinquents who are throwing away their lives, their minds. Yeah, they may have some problems that they need to work on, but they do not deserve this teacher's attention. He prefers to go to Math Club.?

And this is from Take the Lead and talking about rewards and punishments is Dr. Tara Smith, whose specialty is ethics, and she's a professor of philosophy at the University of Texas in Austin. She is the author of Ayn Rand?s Normative Ethics: The Virtuous Egoist.

Dr. Smith, welcome to the show.

?Thank you for having me. It's great to be here.?

One school, if I recall, had 37 valedictorians because they didn't want to make anyone feel badly, and they didn't want to pick out the one stellar student. What is it about this idea that we are all equal, which seems to hold some weight with all of us? You know, we're all born equal, and that no one is better than anyone else. They add that in. Should we treat everyone the same? Is egalitarianism right?

?I'm sorry?oh, is egalitarianism right? We should know the same is wrong, as wrong can be. I think it is an inversion of justice. I think the idea gets off the ground because, as you were just saying, there are certain limited respects in which people should be treated equally. Namely, we are all equally human beings. We equally have certain rights. However, we all observe, there is no denying there are great differences amongst us, some of which are simply inborn, inherited, genetically and so on, many of which?most of which, like important ones?are a function of individuals' choices.

Some students, in your example, put out a lot of effort. They're diligent. They?re conscientious. They work hard and they do well. Other kids do that to a lesser degree. This idea, which is an increasingly prevalent idea, the ?37 valedictorians to make everybody feel good,? makes nobody feel good because everybody knows it's a sham, right? If you and I are both one of the 37 valedictorians, but I know that you are a heck of a lot brighter than I am, and I'm one of the dumb students, then what does that do to me??

Exactly. Much better to be honest with students. This one was number one. You were an honest number four?that?s terrific. Or, ?I was number 347,? as opposed to you just make the whole idea of honoring anyone a complete joke. The kids can see through it, and you're not helping anyone.

?I mean, this idea that we can give you self-esteem actually teaches self-esteem isn't important. It?s the esteem of others. It?s who gets the award that other people bestow and so on. And people know the way?again, the kids can see through it. They don't feel good about themselves. They feel like achievement is a joke, it?s not necessary, and you're teaching a very bad lesson to the students. That is, you're discouraging them from trying hard, from doing their best, right? That they learn to put in some time and effort on things, and that that's the actual way to succeed in life.?

So what gives this whole movement some credibility?

?Well, again, I think there's this confusion, in part, with a kind of political equality, which, as I was saying, there is truth to the idea that qua human being we are all equal and have certain basic rights that are the same. But in dealing with one another, beyond just respecting one another's freedom to be in control of his own life, it's another thing to say: the way you choose to lead your life is equally?you know, that your way or his way or her way, that they are all equally good? Yeah. Patently false.

And I think the irresponsible person and the responsible, the more skilled, the less skilled, the more reliable or trustworthy and the less, and those differences make a difference to the outcomes of our actions. And that's in the educational context, which is what people, what students need to be learning, and similarly, just in sizing up each other in our everyday interactions, we have to make these sorts of discriminations based on the evidence.?

So parents are different. Yeah. Parents who say, you know, let?s say they have four children, ?I love you all equally.? What does that do?

?Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.?

Romance.

?Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.?

?Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.?

?Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is. Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com.?

Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Parents who say, ?Let's say they have four children. I love you all equally.? What does that do?

?Well, there again, I think it sends a?in some ways that sends a bad message about: it doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter what kind of person you make yourself. It doesn't matter if you're the responsible one. Don't aspire. Don't be ambitious.?

Yeah.

?I mean, it's false to what is actually necessary for success in life. So it gives people a psychological free pass, but it doesn't. It absolutely doesn't. Because the kids know who is the favorite. The kids know who is the smartest kid. The kids know who is the best in athletics. The kids know who is the best morally, who is the most upstanding child. And you're really setting the kids up for failure by coddling them in this pretended world of ?nothing really matters, it doesn't matter what you do,? right? Because if I'm the kid who's told ?I love you all equally,? that's meaningless because the facts of my evaluation.?

I don't love both my parents equally. I do love them uniquely. What cheapens the emotion, the alleged reward that you're bestowing on the person, is completely diluted.

?Right. And it is true that you can say I love them uniquely. There are things in my daughter that I love that my son doesn't have. There are things in my son that I love that my daughter doesn't have. There are things that they both dislike in me or in my husband. And there are things that they love in each of us. But each?there are all different dimensions to judge a person on.

And so it would be more appropriate to say, if you do love your children, ?I love them uniquely,? but then to say what you dislike too in them, not to be afraid to speak up and to say, ?I don't like that you're never on time. I don't like that. I don't like to be called names by you.??

No. Love is a response. It's a response to actual observed characteristics.

?That's a good point.?

Another person?

?Yeah. So love is not just something that you can get a Hallmark card and say I love you and exactly. It's not just something pasted on. It's a profound evaluation?your subconscious evaluation and conscious evaluation?and it's an emotion, and it's only meaningful if it is based on actual traits that the other person has.?

So meaningful even to the recipient.

?Yeah, if I as the recipient of your love or a parent's love understand that, yes, there really are things about me that he loves, that he loves.?

So you need to give the child the data. You need to say, ?When you lost that game and you stood proud and you went up and shook the other person's hand because you knew he was a better player?I felt love for you.? You know, you give one isolated or a few examples of things you observe in your child that you adore. Or ?When you hit the goal and you were so anxious and you did it anyway?you know, that?s fabulous.?

?Point to the specifics, the ground, as opposed to making it seem like this free-floating, baseless thing.?

Right.

?So being very accurate about how you feel, knowing your own feelings too, is another important aspect of it. But this whole idea of egalitarian needs to be put through a shredder.?

Yeah. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. I'm with Dr. Tara Smith, and she is a top-notch person in ethics. She's a professor of philosophy at the University of Texas, Austin, and you can get her books at AynRandBookstore.com?A-Y-N-R-A-N-D-Bookstore.com.

Thank you so much for joining us today, Tara.

?You?re very welcome.?

You know, in thinking about what Tara is saying, to me it's very liberating to think that I don't have to fake my evaluations of people. I don't have to fake, ?Oh, that's a gorgeous dress,? ?You look wonderful today,? or ?You did a fabulous job? when the person didn?t. I do need to learn tact. I can't go up and just say, ?Well, you stink,? you know? I need to be able to say, ?Well, you know, you've done better,? and ?What would you like to improve??

Just as I love watching the show Dancing with the Stars, they give good feedback and the contestants?the judges give good feedback and the contestants are very?the ones that do the best?listen to the judges' feedback, take the feedback, and improve themselves.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad:

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

?Here are two important personality traits valuable in romance: being open and being conscientious. Openness applies especially to emotional openness and the willingness to share one's deepest values and feelings with the other. If one partner refuses to do this out of fear or is unable to do this due to poor introspective skills, then the other partner necessarily feels cut off from the deepest layers of the closed partner's soul. This severely limits emotional intimacy and closeness and undermines visibility. However, openness does not mean your partner should act as your therapist.

Another important trait is conscientiousness?for example, being responsible about one's money, work, promises, chosen obligations, and health.?

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.