The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Karen, you're having a problem with a co-worker?

Yes. Yeah.

What's going on?

I made a comment about her hair, and she's African American, and I complimented her, stating it looked like Whoopi Goldberg. She thought it was an insult and got mad, and I said, ?Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way.? And she reported me to HR. So I have a conference call with HR tomorrow, and I'm worried because several people had just got let go two weeks ago in our office and I got saved.

Okay.

So now I think she's trying to get rid of me, and this is just ridiculous, I think. But I'm kind of scared because I need my job. I just bought a house, and I'm single.

Okay, and if you feel you're being framed by her over the nothing comment about the hair. And if you told?what if someone came up to me and said, ?Ellen, your hair looks like??my hair is now completely straight, but it used to be all frizzy??Your hair looks like the woman on Saturday Night Live.? What was it? Gilda Radner.

Oh yeah.

What am I going to do? Turn you into HR? Or what if we were different skin colors or something? You know, what you can do is engage HR?s cooperation. If I'm in your situation and you're HR, what would you say to me? What are you anticipating they'll say to you?

I think she's going to ask me, ?What comments did you say to this young lady that made her so mad she thought that you were being racist?? Yes, I think that this is going to come to?

You know something?

Yes, I understand that, and my jaw dropped when that happened, when she took it that way. I was saying it as a compliment, and I am dumbfounded, and I would love your help in knowing how to handle the situation.

Okay, what you're doing is you're trying to engage their cooperation. You're trying to help them to see that you didn't mean it at all. And you can't control how HR is going to respond. What do you think they'll say?

I think?you know, I was in there with HR when they let the other two? well, they asked me to leave the room, and then they let the other two girls go. Okay, so I think that they know my work performance is there, and I think that she's just going to say, ?You need to watch what you say in the work environment, even though you didn't mean it as an insult. Apparently she perceived it in a different way than you intended it to be.?

Yeah, and you know, I'm a bit concerned?I'm still in role play with you?I'm a bit concerned because it seems like I don't know whether she was just overly sensitive to this, or whether the idea that people are being let go is getting to people in the office. And if she had a different motive, I don't know what's going on, but that scares me. And if you have any tips on how to work with her so we can have a collaborative atmosphere in there, given the current situation, I'm open. I'm open to hearing anything you can tell me.

Okay, I also wanted to kind of?I just found out too that she?somebody reported her to her boss, then she also called a manager of someone else that sits next to me, and then she reported me to HR.

Okay, this is a role that I?

I don't know if she's trying to get back because she got in trouble. Yeah. I mean, it's just, it's?I don't know. I'm just understand what you're saying. Try to put it back on HR?

Well, it's not putting it back on HR. It's that you are in an innocent situation, and you?re wanting to?sometimes the best people, the people who will make an innocent comment and somebody takes it in a way that you never anticipated, and it just throws you for a loop because you never meant it that way. Sometimes you don't know how to handle it, and you want to work with the people who are HR. That's what human resources is supposed to do. What is the best way to handle this?

What if she?if HR comes back and it's made up stuff, like it's nothing to do with the hair situation?

If?what would?give me an example?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back.

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What if she?if HR comes back and it's made up stuff, like it's nothing to do with the hair situation?

If?what would?give me an example?

Well, I'm just saying, what if she's crying racist in another form? I don't know. You know, there was another gal that was very complaining about something in the work office that day, and I'm thinking that she overheard her and mistakenly is saying that I said things and it wasn't me, but I really just don't want to get in the mix of that.

Okay, my business, everything else.

Yeah. What you're telling me right now, Karen, is perfect. This is the perfect conversation to have with HR: that I'm concerned. I know she got reported to her boss prior to calling me. You're giving them the context. You have more data?as long as you're not lying, as long as you're not making it up?you say, ?Listen, I know that she got reported to her boss before she reported me. I know that somebody else made a comment in the office that was a little off-color, and I don't know, maybe it was getting to her, and when I made the comment, she might not have seen it as the compliment. And I don't want to get in this mix.? That's what you're saying. You come across as such a decent person.

Okay, that I am. I just don't?I want my job. I love my job actually.

And let them know that.

And I just don't want to play these childish games. I really don't.

Right, and you didn't play any game.

No, I feel that I didn't at all. So I was very sincere about what I said.

So you can say?but even just telling me that?like already, if I were HR listening to you, I would say, ?I want to watch this other woman closely. I don't want her to be able to harm any of our good employees by making brush fires on the side that have nothing to do with business, with the job.?

Okay?

I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with?I don't know what's going to come at me tomorrow. I have no idea. So yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just speculating that it could be a tall tale. It could be the hair. It could be what the other girl said, and she's trying to say that I said it, you know. So I'm just trying to figure out where to go.

You just be true to the truth, and you will like yourself at the other end. That's all you can do?be true to yourself, be true to the facts, and you'll have integrity. And how other people behave is somewhat out of your control. But you assume that you're speaking to a reasonable person in HR. That's the goal. Okay, that's the goal.

You know, I worked at a psychology office, and I had a boss at one point who would make sexual innuendos and jokes and things. And I just saw them as absolutely playful. And I saw them almost as a breath of?he wasn't doing it as a come on?but it was just a breath of fresh air that they weren't getting into the political correctness in the office. The last thing I would ever do would be to turn him in because he told a funny joke that had a sexual content to it.

So that's how I am. That's kind of old school. It's like, yeah, I think, you know, there's all kinds of things, right? But the opposite, it's like, you just let them go.

Right, right? But you sound?yeah?the way you handled it sounded wonderful. In talking with me, I think you'll be in good shape.

Okay.

Okay, thank you so much for your call, Karen.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

What do you think is power?whips, guns, money? You can't turn men into slaves unless you break their spirit. Kill their capacity to think and act on their own. Tie them together. Teach them to conform, to unite, to agree, to obey. That makes one neck ready for one leash.

Ellsworth, and that is the villain in The Fountainhead, a fabulous book if you don't ever want to be taken in by this type of a person, a person who wants to control your mind?whether it's an abusive spouse who tells you what to do, when to do, who tries to isolate you, who humiliates you, who tries to break your spirit, or whether it's a politician who tells you that he calls the shots, that you have to listen to what he says, that his actions, that his thoughts control your brain, your mind. You want to guard yourself against it. And I can't recommend a better book than Ayn Rand. Actually her two books?The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged?they are my favorite books. And her name is A-Y-N R-A-N-D. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com and check them out. They're very, very popular.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories in goal setting.

An important personality trait valuable in romance is genuineness. Have you ever dated someone and thought to yourself, ?What a phony?? When evaluating a potential partner, ask yourself if the person is trying to play a role, or are they just themselves? Role playing stems from insecurity, and its goal is to make an impression, usually for the purpose of boosting the illusion of self-esteem. People who are genuine are far more likely to have authentic love relationships than those who are always playing a role.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com