The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and here is a question I received from Julie. You know, we all have the holidays with family, or so many of us spend it with family, and some of us are fortunate to live right next door to family members are not so fortunate. And how close do you want family members into your life?

One woman doesn't want them in very close at all. In fact, she doesn't want many people very close into her life. See what you think about her situation.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I am wondering why I prefer not to hang around or associate with friends and family members. Why would someone prefer to stay distant from others in their life? I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm most content when I'm alone or with my husband and my child. I don't like going to family get-togethers or running into old friends in town. I would just rather have everyone leave me and my husband and my child alone to do our own thing. What does that mean? I know it's odd and it even sounds mean, but it's just how I feel. I've always been a loner, somewhat a loner, but it seems worse nowadays, and I need advice. Thanks so much for your time. Julie.

Well, Julie, you sound very polite. ?Thanks so much for your time.? So the first question I have is, why is this a problem for you? If you feel at ease with this situation, it is your life. If you love your husband and you love your child and you're not looking for other companionship, it is your life. You have a right to choose that.

Is it a conflict? Is it coming up now because you're ambivalent within yourself? Part of you thinks that, oh, maybe I'm missing out on something. I see people laughing together, friends laughing. I see families getting along and having good times and bringing joy into one another's life, and maybe I'm missing out on something. If that kernel of a thought is what powered you to email me, then that's your value. That's something that you're partially wanting and you're ambivalent. There's a pro and a con side.

On the pro side, people bring an enormous amount?the right people, and that's really important?that the right people bring an enormous amount of richness into your life. They share your same values. They come at the world the way you do. They laugh and enjoy maybe the same artwork or same movies, or you can share stories of your day with them. That's a wonderful joy.

But hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband's life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes.

Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

That's a wonderful joy, but that's not how family members always are. Some family members can be very critical, or they can just be a weight around you. You feel like you always have to do for them, and nothing's ever good enough. And so, if you've got dynamics like that in your family? Yeah, if you want to buy your own time, it's better to minimize contact with them. You don't have to spend time with family, so don't beat up on yourself for that.

You do want to understand yourself. You don't sound like you're a loner because you're with your husband and you're with your child. Is it a problem now because your husband wants more contact with other people? Or maybe you're thinking it's good for your child to be around family members more. You want to understand that for yourself. You could decide in isolation, but when you have your husband and your child too, are you all happy-go-lucky together and you don't need outside influence or outside people? Or do you want to invite people in more?

And it may not be your old friends from high school. Maybe you don't share similarities with them anymore or common interests. So explore what you say to yourself. Explore trust issues. Is it a trust issue with you, or the history of your family dynamics? Maybe you have some good memories from your family or some unresolved issues. Friends from childhood, you don't have to connect with those again.

Do you feel lovable? Do you like where you're at in life? If you don't, maybe you want to figure out what's going on there so you can feel more confident within yourself, and then maybe you'll be more open to being with other people. But if you see them as a duty, or if you don't know how to keep boundaries with family members and just have them on an occasional basis, then it's not going to be that rewarding.

So if you pursue friendships and family relationships, make sure it's a value for you and your child and your husband. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Doctors Kenner and Locke:

Personality refers to ways of acting that are habitual. Often the first thing that strikes us about another person is whether that person is nice. By nice, we don't mean the syrupy, selfless, sweet type of person who has no independent values and never judges anyone. We mean the genuinely friendly person who is considerate, pleasant, tactful and shows goodwill.

The opposite is a person who's just not nice, someone who's unfriendly, impolite, inconsiderate, grumpy, gratuitously critical, tactless or otherwise shows ill will. Genuinely nice people create a positive emotional climate, and this helps romance thrive.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.