The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

In the Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is a question I received from Arnold, and this is a little bit of a chilling question. And you can ask yourself if you've ever been in a relationship that has some of these elements and what you would now recommend yourself to do, and if you're currently in a relationship like such as the following, stay tuned.

This is Dear Dr. Kenner: Was I in a relationship with a sociopath for 10 years? He was really nice and sweet for two years, and then he turned on me one day, and it never went back. Here are some examples. He cheated on me many times and blamed it on me. He threw temper tantrums. He threw things at me, he hit me, he kicked me, and then he would be furious if I wanted to talk about it the next day.

He was very promiscuous, lots of porn, exhibitionism, graphic talk in front of my friends and strangers, lots of stealing from work, fraud and even arson. He would go crazy, crying and swearing that I was the love of his life. When I tried to leave, I called 911 he called 911 several times to try to get me arrested when he was angry and when he tried to turn friends and family against me by claiming that he was the real victim. Was this sociopathic behavior? Thanks, Arnold.

And Arnold, you answered your own question. Absolutely. This guy is bad news. He fits the criteria for a sociopath, although I don't know his when this began. You say that it began two years into your relationship, and there are certain criteria to be considered a sociopath, but if you have an antisocial, what psychologists call a personality disorder, you don't care about other people, and you use people, and you do engage in actions that are on the edge, living on the edge, and things that lead to arrest, and you lie and you try to trick other people.

So what's going on here? Let's take a closer look at this. What is this guy's goal?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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So what's going on here? Let's take a closer look at this. What is this guy's goal? Well, the ultimate goal of a sociopath is not that they have some disease in my book, and I agree with Stanton Samenow on this, but that it's a product of very bad choices over time based on self-contempt, self-hatred, that what they look for in a victim is to enslave them. It's not that they want you because you're such a nice person, and they want to become a good person like you or emulate you, but they get a thrill out of finding good people victims and wrecking their lives and their dreams.

And of course, this partner was his own first victim. So first they try to, how do you? well, first the question is, how do you get a victim? How do you get someone to agree to stay with you for eight more years after you turn on them, after they cheat and lie, after they see all the evidence that you've got a very bad character? Well, he's got to get you to doubt your own mind, and that's why he will say that you're the love of my life, and he will try to confuse you and try to break your mind.

These guys are anti-mind, anti-happiness. He tries to make it look to the police, to law authority?his calling 911, trying to turn you in and trying to turn your friends and family against you. He tries to isolate you, shift the blame, scapegoat you, and just confuse you. And of course, he's trying to confuse himself too, because he doesn't want to look at himself in a mirror. So he, as I said, he's his own first victim.

And these guys get a thrill out of that thought of, I can get away with it. It's that power over other people. But basically, they make themselves a parasite on other people, on good people.

So let me read from?this is Stanton Samenow?s website. I highly recommend this. You can go just Google Stanton, S-A-M-E-N-O-W. He wrote Inside the Criminal Mind, and he says that a liar is trying to build up a good opinion of himself as a special and unique person, as having power over others for other reasons, and he lies.

Why does he lie? Well, he lies for a few reasons. It becomes a way of life. One is that the liar has a great deal to conceal. So he doesn't want to get into trouble, so he lies to avoid trouble, to being caught in the lies. He also lies on seemingly trivial things to gain the upper hand. He wants to make to feel that power over you, and he will put in a half-truth so that it seems like he's telling the truth. He tries to build some credibility.

But here's the important part: for the criminal, lying is a skill, not a compulsion. He's been lying since he was a child. He has no shame about doing it. There is no compulsion at all to lie. He will tell the truth if he thinks it serves his purpose. Because a particular behavior becomes a habit, it is not a compulsion. We brush our teeth a certain way, but we are under no compulsion to brush our teeth. If the dentist lectures us, we can change our habits if we're motivated to do so.

Long-standing habits do not die easily. It takes work to overcome them. The criminal has more than enough excuses for his behavior. We should not provide more by conceptualizing long-standing patterns as a compulsion or as some other sort of mental disorder.

So I do not see it as a mental disorder. I see it as criminal behavior. What can you do? Alert your friends and families, be specific, tell all. Get a restraining order if you need to. And go to the State Police or local?this guy is friendly with the local police.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

You can share the same religion or secular philosophy, be of the same race and nationality or come from the same social background and still be different in enough fundamental ways, including sense of life, to make a successful romantic relationship impossible. Your aspirations for the future need to be compatible. For example, it is important for partners to be comfortable with each other's level of ambition. This does not mean both need to have the same level of ambition, but their ambition should not conflict.

One partner may need to work long hours or move frequently to get ahead. The other partner must be on board with this for the relationship to work.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.