The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary



Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and @amazon.com

Dana, you're having some difficulty in your life.

Yes, I am. Yeah. I feel like I'm kind of going down that slippery slope of depression, and I'm beginning to lose my confidence in people, I guess.

Okay, well?

I have a job change, and I'm starting a new business, and I'm going out, and I'm doing a lot of networking, and I hear a lot of people talk about the vibrations they put out in the universe are going to come back to them tenfold, and all of these kind of irrational premises that I don't prescribe to. And since I'm bombarded with that every single day, I'm beginning to just feel like, ?God, is there any rational people out there to speak to and to do business with?? And that?s part of it.

Okay, okay. I almost want to pause on that one and make a few comments, but go ahead, tell me the whole thing, right?

The other part of it relates to it also. There's a girl that I've met fairly recently, I don't know, a few months ago, and her husband has been making passes at me. And it's not just that he's making passes that can be construed as something different. They are very, very obvious?he wants to get with me sexually. And this is somebody who should know better, and so it again makes me lose confidence in people.

I mean, he should know better?not just because he's a married man, but because of him. I mean, he should know that this is not right to do. And I feel stuck because, you know, do I tell his wife? Although she's not really my friend, I just kind of know her, and we're developing sort of a principle?not?and I?m so?

Right now I don't like people. And I hate saying that, because I'm a person?I can't just dislike people because I am one?but I don't like dealing with them anymore. I'm beginning not to like them anymore. And the whole dating scene and the whole man scene, I don't know.

Are you dating?

No.

You're not. Okay. Are you married?

You're not married then, obviously.

No, I'm single.

You're single. Okay, so it's the ?I don't like people? that's bringing you down the most. You feel like you're around people who are irrational, who are?I?ll throw out some things, but you said vibrations in the universe coming back to haunt you, or something, or fortune-telling, or mystical in other ways. And it just feels like, ?I want to live in a world where there are people who are rational, who value life, who value joyous friendships, not friendships that are laden with duty and guilt and anxiety, where you can't speak your own mind. I want people who are alive, who love life.?

Yes.

That's what I'm hearing as your longing, as your desire. And when you actually come across people, it?s pulling you way down, because the data in reality is telling you what?

Dana: Well, the data in reality to me is telling me that life is?I mean, it's worth living, and happiness is possible, and things are possible. I mean, to be out there and living and being wonderful is possible. But it seems like the data is also telling me that there are so many people that don't know how to be rational, I guess, that I'm beginning to wonder if they're out there. I mean, I know that they are, I understand that they are, but where?

You've read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand?

Okay, yes, I have. And I'm rereading it now.

Oh, that is probably?it?s probably the only thing right now that's keeping me from kind of conjuring. I mean, it is really helping me out, rereading it again now?

That book will help you see that rationality can never go away in reality, that there will always be people who are rational, that there are always going to be good people, and the goal is to find them. The goal is?you have several goals. One is to?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That ? Zeitman is interesting?

?that there are always going to be good people, and the goal is to find them. The goal is?you have several goals. One is to recognize that people that you speak to on a day-to-day basis can hold very irrational ideas. And of course, they're going to have mixed premises?you know, a combination of ideas. And some of their ideas are nice. You would enjoy that aspect of their company. So you could relate to them on a limited basis.

You know, I go to my cobbler. Now, he may be?I don't know?he may be one of those ?rolly? people. You know what I'm saying? The high roll?what do they call them? I can't think of the term right now.

What?

Holy rolly.

Holy rollers?

You know, he may be like that. I don't think he is, but we relate on a wonderful level because we don?t take the conversation there, right? So you're pulling the best out of the people around you. That's one way to cope.

Another is to know that very good people exist. And sometimes you just need one person in your life who's rational and solid and happy and vivacious?or at least they can be quiet, but they can be?a nice soul, a nice person. And that can help. That's like a lifeline for you. That will help.

Let me talk about the friend right now with the husband who's making overt passes. You need to?you can name it to him. ?You know, I notice you're making these passes. It makes it very awkward. I'm trying to develop a friendship with your wife. And this is very uncomfortable for me.? I don't know if you've done that.

No, I haven't said it that way.

Okay, you name that.

I haven't been really in a position to just speak to him face-to-face and say, ?Don't, you know, don't do this.?

?Yeah, this is making me uncomfortable.? Oh, you could say it right in front of his wife. You know, if he?s winking?what does he do?

He has sent a couple of emails, and he's just?like whenever I'm looking at him in a crowd, he's looking right at me. And it's like, okay, like, stop?or he'll wink, or?

Yeah, so he's overtly flirting. Well, in one of the emails you could say, ?I'm uncomfortable receiving these emails and I'm enjoying my friendship with your wife, and this is interfering with it.? Like you can just put a boundary there. And you may need to use a broken record?repeat it more than once.

Do you tell her or not? Well, as long as you're not?are you reciprocating? Are you winking back at him?

No, not at all.

Okay, then you need to let him know you're not interested, and that this is not?it's not fueling your sense that people can be relied on, because the husband?s doing it in the context of being married. And you know he's not on the dating scene.

And you can just connect with the wife and just put him on the side burner if she's the top value. If?and that's what you're wanting?good people in your life. If you're valuing her, he is secondary. He doesn't count. You don't need to take him seriously, but you do need to put a boundary there.

Listen, thank you so much for your call, Dana. I wish we had more time.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

The ideal goal in evaluating a potential romantic partner is to discover a harmony between your emotional response and your rational appraisal. If there is any conflict between the two, it will feel like a red flag. Treat all red flags as a signal to clarify and resolve any confusion and doubt you may have before making decisions about something as important as marriage.

If you consider your partner to be a fine person and yet feel nothing emotionally, this will not work romantically. Nor will it work if you feel a strong emotional response, yet conclude consciously that the person is of low character or a poor match for you. You want a strong emotional bond that agrees fully with your rational judgment of the person.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book @amazon.com