The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

This is a question I received. It was a very long, very disturbing question. And I hope this person gets some psychological help, maybe from a cognitive therapist. I'll give you the website first so I don't forget to do this: Academy of CT for cognitive therapy.org, all one word, academyofct.org, and you can just go to find a therapist, put in your state and find a therapist in your state.

This was from somebody who is very, very, very confused, a 14-year-old girl, and I just, I'm really condensing this, but you'll get the essence of it:

Dear Dr. Kenner, I am 14 years old. I?ve always wanted to be the best at everything. In grade school, my grades were close to perfection. I wanted to justify my high opinion of myself, I felt like I had to get good grades to be a good person.

Okay, think about that.

At the same time I wanted to be accepted. The popular girl in my sixth-grade class asked me why I wore clothes from Target rather than Abercrombie. I made my mother then take me to the stores prescribed by the popular girl.

Something started happening to me inside. I looked cheerful on the surface, but I felt anxious and angry inside. I slowly started to drift from my good girl tendencies. I started listening to hardcore music and rebelled against all brand-name clothes. I became anti-label, yet at the same time I was labeling everyone as bad. I started to feel way above those popular conforming kids. I stopped doing homework and I let my grades sink.

I secretly started admiring villains in stories and I started to harm myself. My thirst is to know what has become of me. Am I deluding myself to boost my self-esteem or lowering it by engaging in self-fulfilling prophecies such as dumbing myself down? I would greatly appreciate some understanding of what is going on.

Thank you for your time, Cindy.

There are two errors you?re making, Cindy. One, when you first started to get good grades to justify a high opinion of yourself, you were reversing cause and effect. You want the good grades because you enjoy the subject matter and because you enjoy seeing your mind work well. And when you get involved with the subject matter, whether it?s a passion for math or geography or the sciences, I know I loved biology, when you are fascinated by it?hopefully you get good teachers and you do well?you will get the feeling inside of, ?Oh, my mind is capable. I?m capable of grasping facts and understanding the world.?

So you don?t put up some false good opinion of yourself and then try to justify it, because that?s reversing cause and effect. You want to love whatever subject matter it is and get the good grades because you really let yourself get involved in it.

The other problem you have is that dumbing yourself down, trying to stick your nose up and say, ?I don?t like society,? or ?I don?t like popular girls,? or ?I don?t like brand name labels,? it's very destructive to yourself, because you are destroying your mind and your values. You're not seeing yourself accomplishing things. You're seeing yourself destroy things, and that's why you're attracted to villains.

So genuine self-esteem means valuing your method of thinking, your mind, achieving values in life that are your personal, healthy, rational values, and going after them in a rational manner versus the opposite?becoming a conformist or becoming a nihilist, a destructive person.

So I would definitely visit the website academyofct.org.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

This person doesn?t like a to-do list. They don?t like to organize their life. They like that free-flowing feel to their life of not having to have everything set in stone, every 15 minutes scheduled, everything that they have to do scheduled. There?s no fun to life if you feel like you?re on that conveyor belt, as if you?re on some sort of treadmill that?s going nowhere in life. Or maybe it?s going someplace, but you just feel pushed from behind.

And I agree that there?s something wrong with that view, but it is not the organizing-your-life aspect of it. It?s the not choosing your own values. If you feel pushed from behind, or if you?re doing your own pushing from behind, saying: ?Well, first I have to go to the gym, then I have to study for my class, then I have to??name something else??I have to pick up my kids from school. Then I have to plan the birthday party for my daughter.? Everything?s a ?have to? instead of a, ?Oh, you know what? Today?s my day, and I want to go to the gym first, and then I want to plan the party for my daughter,? and whatnot.

It?s a very different feel to your life when you change your own motivation. So it?s good to have organization in your life, provided it?s not pushed from behind.

The problem with having no organization is that everything floats. Yes, it?s very laid back, it?s very cushy, and you never build self-esteem because you?re not accomplishing things. In order to accomplish things, you have to name your values, figure out what?s most important, and organize your time. Your time is your life, and if you don?t organize it, you end up throwing it away.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who?s world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

What about the question, can there be love at first sight? Strong attraction? Yes, but love at first sight would necessarily be superficial, because not enough can be known about a person at a first look or meeting. First impressions can be very revealing?body language, demeanor, the content of what is said?but these impressions are not necessarily conclusive, even if very positive. However, they might be conclusive if they are very negative, such as when a person endorses values you find offensive?you know you do not need to learn anything more.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.