The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. This is from Betty, and this is what makes people selfish. She sounds like a young woman, a young girl. What makes people selfish?

This morning, I was leaving to go to the store, and my brother stopped me and asked if I could pick up a loaf of bread so we wouldn't have to leave the house. Of course, I said. Then we were both going on a bike ride separately. My bike had a flat tire. He asked if I knew how to run the bike pump, and I said, Yes. He turned it on for his use. And for some reason, I thought he would do my tire as well. When I went out to the garage, he hadn't even bothered to put any air in my tire. It's always this way with him. Should I call him on his selfishness, or am I asking too much? Thank you, Betty.

Betty, your brother cannot read your mind. You're wanting him to fill the tire. Maybe he's an older brother. Maybe he wants to help you become more independent, and so he doesn't fill the tire. He asks you first, are you able to fill your own tire? You say yes. And maybe he's trying to encourage your independence, but he can't read your mind. If you said to him, Hey, can you fill my tire while you're at it? Then, if he says no, you'd say, You know, I helped you out with the bread today. I'd love it if you could fill my tire. Or are you in a big hurry? But you know, you want to find out his context, too.

What you're looking for in a relationship is a trader relationship. You rub my back, I rub your back. I pick up a loaf of bread for you, and you'll fill my tire. But you can't just think it. If you go through life just thinking that people?maybe he'll help me out here. Maybe my kids will help me out because I drove them to the mall this afternoon, so maybe they'll do the dishes when we get home. It's kind of a trade. They can't read your mind. Maybe because I was good to my husband, he'll be good to me. People can't read your mind.

So what's the alternative?

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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People can't read your mind. So what's the alternative? The alternative is to give yourself a voice?not a resentful voice, not a ?Well, I did this for you, so can't you do it for me???but a voice that says, Hey, would you mind doing this? Or, If you're filling your tire, could you pump some air in my tire too? Just a gentle, friendly voice that assumes a good relationship between the two of you.

So you asked, What makes people selfish? You're seeing this as a pattern with your brother. I don't want to question?I mean, it's possible that your brother is what's called a ?me-only? person. I would never, never call that selfish. I know people conventionally call that selfish, but that's self-destructive, because me-only people go through life leaving paths of destruction in relationship after relationship. They wear people out.

But let's give your brother the benefit of the doubt here. Let's say he's a good person and he just doesn't play the mind-reading game. Then he's potentially a self-valuing person?the alternative to being a self-destructive person (that me-only person) or being a selfless person?expecting him to read your mind and being the martyr, being the do-gooder, and then being resentful of everybody else because you've trained them that you don't want them to do anything for you, but you're going to do for them.

The alternative to that is having what I mentioned?that trader relationship. It's a rational selfishness. And there is actually a book The Virtue of Selfishness that I highly recommend. It's by my favorite author, Ayn Rand?A-Y-N R-A-N-D. It's not the selfishness you think. It's at my website, DrKenner.com.

And I am wanting you to be able to develop a good relationship with your brother if that's what you want and if he isn't a me-only person. So I wouldn't call him on his selfishness. You're not asking too much either. I would change the way you think about it. In cognitive therapy, we call that reframing, and look at it from a win-win situation. You'll help your brother out. He'll help you out. Don't be afraid to ask. He's not afraid to ask. Learn from him.

And if he says no to everything you ask, check to make sure you're asking it in a nice voice?not a mindful voice, not a wimpy voice?and then you can stop doing for him. If that's the way he wants to design the relationship, then don't make yourself into a martyr.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. I got another email, a very unusual one.

Hello, Dr. Kenner. I'm having an unusual problem. Every day, when I go to brush my teeth, I get nauseous and sick to my stomach. Sometimes I even vomit in the sink. I cannot even stand to look at someone brushing their teeth in front of me or on TV. I tried using a tongue scraper, trying different toothpaste, and I am so frustrated because I cannot clean my teeth correctly. Please help me. The problem seems to be getting worse. Mary.

Mary, in one sense, it's a very odd problem. In another sense, maybe it isn't, because I've actually heard of this, but I don't know if it will fit your context. You want to first do the detective work. You want to ask yourself a lot of questions. Did I always have problems brushing my teeth, or did it begin at a certain age? What's my first memory of it? What images, if I allow them to come to mind, come to mind? What thoughts? What feelings? Obviously, you're triggering your autonomic nervous system. I'm assuming it's not just a gag reflex?that's, you know, some quirk. You can ask your dentist and rule that out medically.

But if it's not that, I have had people who have seen, for example, maybe they've been to a dentist and they've been in enormous pain, so they don't like anybody putting anything in their mouth, and they might vomit. It might trigger that. Or again, your autonomic nervous system?an anxiety response. And maybe it's an alcoholic parent who used to brush their teeth after they vomited, and there's trauma involved there.

So ask yourself a lot of questions. It may be a very good idea to see a cognitive therapist.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

You cannot value romance if you don't have other values in your life. Some of the areas in which you can pursue values are a career or a job. Is your job or career something you love, or did you choose it for other reasons such as conformity, fear, or duty? The ideal job is one about which you say, ?This job is so great, I can't believe they pay me to do it.? Not everyone can find such a job, especially in bad economic times, but it's worth the effort, even if it means changing careers.

And home?make your home warm and inviting, tailored to your aesthetic taste and needs. Don't make it a vehicle for showing off, but do make it your own?a reflection of your standards and desires, not those of others.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.