The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is a question I received from Mary Beth. She said, Dear Dr. Kenner, I have become friends with a co-worker who is a little overweight and brings attention to this every day.

Now, you know what it's like to be in an office and you've got a co-worker who constantly says, Oh, don't I look fat? Or they're constantly complaining about something, but there doesn't seem to be any progress with it.

Well, stay tuned. Listen to the rest of her question.

She said, not only does she talk about being overweight every day, but she is also what I believe to be a hypochondriac — you know, someone who focuses on bad things happening to them. Typically, a hypochondriac, or technically, a hypochondriac, is somebody who is convinced that they have a disease — disease du jour, let's say AIDS or cancer — and they doctor-shop. And a doctor will say, Hey, you know what? You don't have it. And they shop around again to find another doctor who can help them out and tell them that they really do have cancer or AIDS or some other problem.

So it sounds like she's really — when you hear what's coming — she's got not just one issue that she's focused on. She's got many.

So she talks about being overweight. You think she's a hypochondriac because she claims to have attention deficit disorder, a post-menstrual type of disorder, bone spurs, Tourette Syndrome, and all other sorts of problems.

She regularly goes to doctors and gets medication for these. If she does not take her medication, she claims to have migraines, yet she continues to work under fluorescent lights and deals with noise and heat like it's nothing. She continues to live her life as though she is a trooper and she can ignore all pain.

I personally have yet to witness any of these symptoms she supposedly has, and we have worked together for almost two years. I've tried to speak with her about this, but she doesn't take criticism well. She cries and thinks that everybody hates her, and she'll probably no longer talk to me.

What do I do about this situation? Should I just ignore it, or should I confront her again and suffer the consequences?

Mary Beth, from what you've described, this is a woman who has wrapped her identity around having disorders that she then can just present herself as having overcome — and not overcome them in having gotten rid of them, but she's just the tough one.

Now, notice it draws a lot of attention to herself. Also notice it's easy to ignore non-existent disorders that you have. So you're saying, I don't get it. I don't believe her. I think she's lying. I think she's fabricating. She's not credible.

And it's not like it's your first day on the job with her. You've had two years to observe her, and believe me, if she had Tourette’s Disorder and she was not taking her medication or not seeking cognitive therapy or some other sort of therapy to help her manage her symptoms, you would notice it.

Because what does Tourette Syndrome involve? It involves having multiple vocal tics or motor tics, such as — the vocal tics might be grunting or kicking or shouting. The motor tics might be hitting yourself or yelling out with obscenities or repeating words. Those would be vocal tics. But kicking or punching — those are not something that you can miss.

I mean, someone can have a little sneeze, and you might miss it because they kind of suppress it, but these are hard to miss.

So the next question is, should you confront her or not? Well, you've already tried it, and she doesn't like anyone challenging her. And that too is telling, because if somebody really had the problems—

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—and that too is telling, because if somebody really had the problems, they would explain to you, Oh yes, but I take this medication, and I go to this therapist, and it works well. That's why you're not seeing the problems. But they wouldn't be angry with you.

But she also cries, has this real appeal to pity — Everybody will hate me — and what does that pull from you when you're sitting with her and she says, You know, everybody will hate me? It's to make you feel guilty and say, Oh, that's not true. I like you. It’s like a begging for reassurance, a begging for friendships.

You don't want friendships to be based on feeling sorry for her or her begging you. And you don't want to have to fake your own mind that she has these illnesses. And it sounds like she wants you to see her as heroic. She wants that image of herself, and she wants the people around her to collude with her in this and go along with it.

Now, you are not her therapist. If you were her therapist, you would help her explore moments when this isn't working for her and notice differences. But you're not her therapist.

So the big question I have for you is: Are there any other co-workers in your office? Is she the only one?

If she's the only one, then you have a problem. And what I would recommend there is just to say to her, Listen, I've made a promise to myself. I don't want to focus on any illnesses.

And she may say, Well, what do you mean? You don't want to talk to me anymore?

No. We can talk about lots of other things — your planting a garden, or what you're baking for dinner, or some exciting project that you're working on. I don't want to talk about illnesses.

So what would be a good way to remind each other if we start to get on an illness path?

I know I've even recommended to people: bring in a little trash — not a trash bag, but a little plastic bag — and you pretend to throw your talk about illnesses or negative topics into that if people get off track.

Now, that may not work with her because she's very highly defended. But you can also consider taking coffee breaks with someone else if she's not the only one in the office.

It's not your duty to be friends with her. A friendship flows from feeling a mutual pleasure, a mutual enjoyment with each other. You're trading values. You're not trading war stories or pity or guilt.

Now, people do talk about — you know, someone just had a baby, or someone had an operation. You do talk about that. But if that is the only thing on your plate, it's not a solid friendship. So you may want to choose differently.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

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To use introspection to become a better romantic partner, learn to understand your emotions. Otherwise, you'll feel moved by mysterious forces that you can neither comprehend nor control — in other words, subconscious ideas. Nor is it attractive to your romantic partner if you have no idea why you respond to him or her as you do. Don't expect your partner to understand you if you do not understand yourself. Demanding that your partner spend hours upon hours probing your subconscious when you have no idea what's in there creates an impossible burden. If you expect this from your partner, consider consulting a therapist to help learn about yourself.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.