The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at drkenner.com.

And I want to welcome Ann to the phone. And you're having difficulty with your brother.

Oh, hi, Dr. Kenner. Thank you for taking my call. Yes, I'm actually moving home. I'm having problems with my brother, probably because I haven't ever directly confronted him or talked to him.

Okay. A little bit of background.

Okay, so my brother dropped out of college when he was 19, and he moved home to live with my parents. Since then, my parents have supported him. He doesn't pay rent or bills.

How old is he now?

He works part-time for my parents. He's 40.

Okay. And he worked part-time for your parents doing what?

They have a small business.

Okay.

So he just did graphic artwork and design. But with the economic downturn, they're thinking of closing their business and then selling their house and moving to a smaller condominium. But the problem is they asked him to start to look for another job, but he's not doing it, and he refuses to, or he doesn't want to talk about it. In actuality, my dad told my mom to tell my brother, because my dad himself can't even confront my brother to tell him to look for a job. My mom sort of reinforces this denial that there are no problems, that everything will be okay.

Why do you think she's doing that?

I think it stems from the fact that he's my half-brother. He spent the first 10 to 12 years just with my mom, and then my mom and dad married each other. So I think my father feels like he can't?it's not really his son?even though he's been supporting him for this many years. And I think my mom has a very close relationship with him. I feel maybe since the beginning it has always been just the two of them.

You mean your mother and your brother?

Yeah.

More than your father?

Yeah.

So what would you like some help with?

What I need help with is the way he speaks to my parents. He's abusive all the time. I can't ever really say anything about the situation, because then he'll start yelling at me.

What does he say?

He says, ?It's none of your business. You haven't lived at home for so many years. You've never really worked. You don't know the real world.?

He says that to you?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then my parents will just yell and be like, ?I'm working on it,? or ?You don't understand.?

Okay. So he makes himself into a victim. Let's stop for a second. Let's imagine that your brother is a different type of person?a much better person. And your brother says, ?You know, I haven't been that good to you guys over the years. I want to thank you so much for having given me a roof over my head and a job. I made a mistake. I actually should have been searching for a job on my own. I would have felt more independent, less dependent on you, and you wouldn't be in this bind.?

Now, had your brother acted like that, he wouldn't need to yell. He wouldn't need to claim that nobody can understand him and that he's got this special problem that is just unreachable. But he's not that way.

So your goal is?it sounds like you've heard the term ?there's an elephant in the middle of the room and nobody will talk about it.? You dance around the main issue. And so that's what it sounds like. There's a dynamic in your family where, to the best of your knowledge as you're piecing it together, your mother and your brother lived together for so many years?for over a decade?that it seemed like they were a unit, that there was some unspoken thing of, ?Well, we'll take care of each other. We're with each other.?

Then when your mother found a romantic partner, it displaced your brother. He was dethroned. He was no longer king of the house. And it seems like the undercurrent in the family is that he has used that dethroning as a method of guilt. ?If you loved me, you will take care of me. I will stay in this house. You can't make me leave the house, even though you got remarried. And don't you dare give me any advice,? he says to your dad, ?because you're not my real dad,? which takes the power?even though you're supporting me??you're not my real dad.?

If that got exposed openly, he would get really angry: ?You don't understand,? and run away from it, because people typically are evasive. They don't want to face the truth.

Does that sound right?

Yeah, that sounds right on. But the problem is?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then I'll be back.

Romance.

?I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.?

?Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.?

?Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download Chapter One for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com.?

?Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.?

Yeah, that sounds right on. But the problem is, is living there. I feel too bad for my dad and the situation, so I don't know what to do when I go home.

You're going to be moving home?

I'm doing field work, so I have to move home. Well, I don't really have to. I could get an apartment, but that's Asian culture, and you don't really leave the house until you get married.

Oh, this is with your father?

Yeah. My father and my mother?I don't think they'd understand if I moved out of the house.

So you've been living at home?

No, I live on the East Coast now. I went away for college, so I've been gone over 10 years. I'm going back to California for field work because I do work on ethnic communities. The problem is, it makes sense for me just to live at home.

Okay, it may make sense financially, but if you're doing it because you're pulled by the same strings from childhood?that you owe it to them to move home because you're not married yet and you're going to be on that coast?you may want to rethink that in terms of meaning. You want to do what's best for yourself and not just fall back into the same family patterns that may not be productive for you, that may give you more stress. If you're living at home, you may want to bring a boyfriend over or friends over or whatnot.

But if you're dealing with the abuse toward your parents, you can name it to your father. You can be very lovingly supportive when you do this. You can say, ?You know, Dad, I've watched this situation for years, and I know I've kept quiet. What it seems like is that??I don't know your brother's name, but let's say it's Tom??what it seems like is that Tom has held you guys hostage. Mom is afraid of abandoning him and has stayed with him. You've been so generous to him, and he hasn't thanked you appropriately. He looks at you as the outsider. And really, you and Mom have every right to move into a condo without him. You need to.?

I'm hoping that you'll, at some point, have the courage to stand up to him, because you have done a lot. You can encourage him. Sometimes just that moral support can give your father food for thought. You can't force your father, but you certainly can be lovingly supportive.

Yeah, definitely. The thing is, if I do move home too, I think that will make my dad happy as well, because there's one other person in the house.

Okay, but then you're going back into family dynamics. Your role in life is not to fight his battle by undermining your own happiness. You can morally support him from the outside. Invite him to come visit. Give him courage. If your brother crosses boundaries and starts hitting your parents, you can report him. Let them fight the battle. You can fight it that way.

So thank you so much for your call.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

And for more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

A difficult problem for those who hold justified resentments is what and how to forgive. By forgive, we do not mean that you should forget the unjust act. You may never erase what happened from your memory, but you may be able to put the injustice into the fuller context of your total relationship history and what your partner did after hurting you. That is, how will your partner repair the damage?

Forgiveness also means moving forward. Do not hold a past injustice against your partner as a chronic grating irritant, provided you've sufficiently resolved the problem. But be aware that many hurtful partners use this ?moving on? argument to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. For example, ?Can't you just put my affairs in the past and move on??

You can download Chapter One for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.