The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

And right now I want to welcome John to the show. John, you're arguing with your girlfriend? Yes?

Hi, Dr. Kenner. Yes, it's a constant fight over money issues.

Okay, give me the situation.

I work as an occupational therapist. She doesn't work. She lives with her aunt. She comes from a culture in Beijing where the Chinese gentleman will often buy lots of gifts for their girlfriend, shower them with money. Okay, I'm an American, so we argue about money issues, and I think I shouldn't be giving her money so she can spend, right?

It's much more of a fair-trader relationship in the States.

Exactly. And she doesn't understand that point. She always accuses me of not caring for her because I don't give her money. I just don't know how to respond and make her understand that it should be a trader relationship and not just take, take, take, right?

And a more fundamental question to ask yourself is: Is this the right relationship for you? If there are many, many good things in the relationship and this is the only stumbling block, then it makes a lot of sense to think about it, to work through this, and to help both of you understand that there's a cultural difference here that's also a philosophical difference, isn't it? It's a different way of looking at the world.

In one sense, it's like how I grew up in the 1950s. How many moms in the 1950s didn't work? It was seen?you may not believe it?but it was seen as a negative if your mother had to work. Nowadays, the mothers would be taken care of, the husbands would be the breadwinners??Leave It to Beaver? type. You might not even know that; I'm showing my age here.

But if she's expecting a lot of gifts and money, and it's not something you can afford or that you enjoy doing, then you want to have a discussion on how you can show affection differently. It may not be quite the American way. It may not be quite the Chinese way. You may be able to find something that works for both of you. Okay?

Dr. Kenner, I've tried those other things. I help her in school. I give her moral support. I give her my love and attention. But the money issue just comes up time and time again.

Go ahead.

And I was going to say, we just got into a fight tonight about, you know, she wants to move out on her own, but then she wants me to help her with her rent.

Yeah, but it's a dependency relationship then. Because it's hard when you're with someone you love. My husband did help me through school, and I helped him at other times. But there's an understanding that it's temporary. Once I get through school, I'll be earning my own income.

But to expect it and to demand it is different from you saying, ?Hey, I'd love to be supportive while you're in school,? or ?You want to move out? I have the money, and I'd love to give you that.? If you don't have it, or if it's against your principles, you need a method of communicating with her.

So can you be her for a minute? First, tell me what happened tonight.

Well, tonight we had a discussion. Her mother was sick in China, and her aunt kind of has power over her, too?by use of money. Her aunt showered her mom in China with money, and now she feels obligated to her aunt.

Oh, she's learning a very important principle?if she takes the right take-home principle away from this, which is?

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then I'll be back.

Romance.

?I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.?

?Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.?

Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Oh, she's learning a very important principle?if she takes the right take-home principle away from this?which is that when you accept, in quotes, a gift from somebody, financial support, you feel indebted to them. You feel like you owe them. Who knows what in your life you owe them?your career, giving up your career for them?you owe them whatever they want, right?

And that's what I tried to explain to her, and that's how we got into a fight. I said, now you're going to feel indebted to your aunt all the time. You're going to feel obligated. And tonight she put on this big party just to show gratitude.

Right.

So you didn't have to do that. You're going against your principles. You're doing it not because you love her, but because you feel obligated, right?

So she can see that if somebody said, ?Ellen, I gave you a big party not because I like you?I don't really care for you, you're kind of controlling?but you gave me some money and I want to pay you back, so here's the party,? man, I don't want that party.

What she needs to grasp is psychological independence. Can she read English?

Oh yes, she can.

I don't know if she enjoys reading novels, but I learned about psychological independence by reading the book The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Psychological independence does not mean that you live on an island and never connect with anyone else. Instead, it means that you build self-respect, that you can speak your mind assertively?not aggressively?but you don't let people walk over you, and you don't walk over other people.

Another aspect of it is that you work. You might need to go to college for a period of time, but your goal is to become self-sufficient. Barring some cases where people are handicapped?and handicapped people can certainly earn a good living too?but assuming that you're not barred physically or mentally from pursuing some sort of career, you want to have something of interest in your life. You want to have some sort of career.

So you want to sit back and ask yourself: Are you dutifully staying in this relationship? Because one of the goals, I would think, if you're a self-supporting and self-respecting person, is that you would want someone?like you're saying, an American. It doesn't have to be American?but somebody who carries that same policy, who has built that into their character.

She has not built independence into her character. She's built dependence into her character. And she's being trapped by now feeling she has to do for other people, and you never get out of that trap. So she is not a good catch unless she changes.

So your thoughts on staying with her?

Yeah. And I've actually tried to teach her those principles.

Yeah, but you can't make someone else psychologically independent. You can't be their therapist for life. You want to be a partner. So you may want to sleep on it a bit, but really consider: Is she the right person for you? Because you don't want someone who is going to be dependent on you. And you can't change her.

You can recommend Atlas Shrugged. You can recommend The Virtue of Selfishness. That is a phenomenal book, and that's also by Ayn Rand.

My website is DrKenner.com. Listen, thank you so much for your call.

All right. Thank you, Dr. Kenner.

Oh, you're welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

If your partner just doesn't talk or want to listen, even after repeated attempts to communicate, they might have narcissistic tendencies, such as holding the premise that you are supposed to listen but not vice versa?a one-way-street relationship. Such a partner will never make an ideal soulmate or anyone?s partner.

Partners also fail to communicate because they are trying to hide their true or deepest selves. They may fear something about themselves, or perhaps they have no authentic selves. Your partner may not talk much simply due to shyness. You can do a lot to bring your partner out of his or her shell by being warm, open, and encouraging.

Another reason that your partner doesn't make communication a conscious priority is that he or she may not consider you important. Translation: your partner does not really love you?a painful discovery.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.