The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner.

I am from India. For years, I have been trying to understand how to deal with people. My parents taught me that it was moral and good to sacrifice myself to do for everyone else but myself. I now know that their viewpoint has a name. It is called self-sacrifice, altruism. I have read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and I realize that a lot of the emotional pain I have suffered came from always giving up my dreams and always deferring to others rather than speaking my own point of view and pursuing my dreams. Now I know that there is an alternative moral habit, truly trusting and valuing myself. I think that's a cute way of putting it, a moral habit. The new way, self-valuing, brings peace to my soul. It's not like the vicious circle of altruism, in which, no matter how you act, you lose. When you're giving up yourself all the time, you lose. I feel so lighthearted, and it makes so much sense. I feel psychologically independent in a healthy sense.

Here's my problem. Changing this idea in my mind has happened so fast, and the change feels so drastic that I find myself going back to the old idea of self-sacrifice. I had been depressed for seven years and had five failed romantic relationships. It wasn't until I read The Fountainhead that I started to understand what was making me so sad. I am so glad to change. But how do I deal with the fact that I sometimes revert back to my old ways? How do I learn to value myself and give up the old pulls of altruism? Also, I feel so alone here in India. Any suggestions? What do you say? Shrey?

Shrey, this is the problem that all of us face. Whose life is it?ours or somebody else's? And if we say someone else's, then we become the doormat in life. We never speak our own mind. ?What restaurant do you want to go to?? ?Oh, whatever you want, honey.? ?Do you want sex?? ?Whatever you want, honey.? I mean, it's everywhere?you're with your boss, with your kids, in your romantic relationships.

Altruism is a view that is typically taken as being something very good. You're the good person. You're the person who opens doors for people. But actually, technically, philosophically, it is the moral code of self-sacrifice. Even the word altruism means ?other.? ?Altru? means other in Latin. So it is devastating, and it does come across as a moral code, but it's actually an immoral moral code.

So what is it contrasted to? Many times they put up a straw dog. They say, ?Well, then if you're not doing for others, that must mean that you're selfish. You're only doing for yourself, and you don't give a darn about anybody else. It's me, my way or the highway.? That is not the only alternative.

Hey, I've got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then I'll be back.

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It's ?me, my way or the highway.? That is not the only alternative. That is not a healthy moral code either?that ?might makes right? view. Rational egoism is the only rational view: valuing yourself and valuing those you judge as good friends, as good family members, and shunning those who are very bad family members or people who have hurt you. You need to be able to judge people accurately by rational moral standards and act accordingly.

So how do you change? It is not easy to change. There?s a book on my website, Changing for Good. My website is DrKenner.com?D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R dot com. First you have to grasp the problem, which you've done. You've read The Fountainhead, and you understand the difference between a moral code that teaches you to become a doormat in life?altruism?and one that tells you to value your life without ever stepping on anyone else.

Then you need to understand how to change. If you beat up on yourself anytime you slip up, you're not going to change. You're just going to throw up your arms and say, ?What's the use? Why bother? I guess I can never change.? Instead, if you develop what's called a learning stance or a curiosity stance, or become a scientist and study: Why is it difficult for me to change in this particular situation with my husband or with my mother? Study it, and try to think of how you could change in the future. You'll be much better off.

Changing comes in stages. The first stage is understanding, and I think you've got that in spades. The fact that you've moved into action tells me that you're doing fairly well there too.

I want to address your loneliness. You're in India. You can access AynRand.org. You can ask them if there are any rational people or organizations that they know of in India, because maybe you can connect there. You can also connect by email with people who are on lists in the United States. I would speak to the Ayn Rand Institute.

And in dealing with loneliness, continue reading the books, because you will always have company whenever you want it. You could read Atlas Shrugged and The Virtue of Selfishness.

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Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Telling your partner why you love them is especially important as you are falling in love and around the time of the marriage proposal. But don't stop there. Partners want to know what qualities their loved one values in them, to know if they are the same qualities they value in themselves. For example, if you tell a woman you fell in love with her because she's cute and that's it?nothing else?she probably isn't going to feel flattered. A woman of substance surely wants to hear something profound about why she is loved, something specific about her character, her mind, her values, and her way of approaching her career and life. This principle applies to both partners.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.