The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

David, you're having some difficulty getting over some past issues.

Yeah, I am actually, yeah.

What's going on?

Well, let's see. I went through a period of time where?it sounds terrible?my wife had an affair with my best friend. And ever since that happened to me?it?s been about seven years ago?I pretty much, it?s come to my attention that I don?t trust anyone at all, and I?ve been very wary of becoming involved in any kind of intimate relationships whatsoever.

You have to be able to let go of?let go of?okay, you need to let go of the pain you mean, that you went through? Or the premise, the idea that you can?t trust people? Because here you have?

Yeah, I would say that?s it. Part B there, yeah.

That is one of the most damaging things that can happen. I mean, there are other things that can happen to you, obviously, the death of a loved one. But to be betrayed by people who you?ve chosen?you have chosen your best friend. You weren?t stuck with a best friend. And you?ve chosen your soulmate, your wife. And to feel betrayed by both of them is exquisitely painful.

So are you still married to her, or did you move on?

No, yeah, we?ve divorced.

And did she marry the friend, the best friend?

No, not at all. Oh no, it didn?t. It pretty much ended when our relationship ended. Pretty much she just can?t?I guess it kind of came to her knowing what she had done, and then she wanted to try and fix it, but there was no way that we could fix it.

Fix it. Okay, so was it a one-time affair, or was it going on for quite?how long was the betrayal going?

It was going on for just a couple of months, actually.

Okay, but a couple of months seems like an eternity.

Yeah, it was very short-lived, but it?s lived with me forever so far.

Okay, so one of the things I need to tell you is that you can?t completely erase that. I mean, that?s an experience in your life that is encoded very deeply in your brain. Why? Because it was so painful, so shocking. It had all the elements that make us retain those moments, hopefully to guide us to prevent such a thing from happening again.

And that?s where you?re stuck, right? You want to be able to move on?

Well, yeah, that plus?I mean, as far as prevention goes, I see it happening to so many people just over and over again. I realize fully that it?s not just me that it?s happened to. I mean, maybe not necessarily with their best friend or whatever, but infidelity and trust issues with friendships and relationships. It just happens so often, so many times, over and over again. I guess it?s just gotten to the point where I pretty much just lost faith in any kind of a relationship with anybody, whether it be a relationship with a woman, or friendship with people, or business relationships?even any kind of relationship. I just don?t?it?s like somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that at some point that person is going to betray my trust.

Okay, and I?ve just come to realize?

So that is the premise that?s eating at you. You just named it. When I say premise, I mean a strong idea that at some point even your best friend will sting you, will hurt you, will bite you.

And so how does anyone counter that? If you were a young child who was abused, you?re in the same type of situation. I was a therapist for several years for many abused children. I used to go to court and speak for the children. And they would come into the office and meet me for the first time, and man, I?ll tell you, they looked at me as if I was the evil enemy. And I look very friendly. I?m youthful-looking, I?m playful. My office is filled with inviting toys. It?s not overwhelming, but it?s just so lovely for them. And yet I was in the category of tall, meaning adult. And what do adults do to kids? Abuse kids. They hurt them, right?

Right.

So how do you change a life of a very strong idea?what I?m calling a premise? There is work in cognitive therapy called?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then I?ll be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So how do you change a very strong idea?what I?m calling a premise? There is work in cognitive therapy called changing your core premises, core ideas?C-O-R-E ideas?and you need to name it first.

Man, you named it right away. You had no problem with that, David, saying that it?s a trust issue, it?s a relationship issue. I?m afraid I won?t be able to trust people.

There are several things you can do. One of them is to search for examples in your own data banks, in your own history, of friends that didn?t betray you?even if you find one. And I don?t mean just a small betrayal, like they said they?d go to the movie and then they backed out at the last minute. But the type of betrayal we?re talking about. Think of friends that didn?t do that to you.

Your subconscious needs data fleshed out, thought about, in the relationship area, of people who never hurt you.

And then you need examples of people who have never been betrayed. And I?ll give you one example. I have been married?for how many years? I have to ask my husband. Isn?t that embarrassing??happily married, and we have never betrayed each other.

So here?s one example for that file folder that romance is possible, lasting romance.

And then you need to be able to put it into perspective?to understand what actually happened with your friend and your wife. What went on in the relationship? And how did you contribute to it? Now you may not have contributed to it at all. People also have a premise about themselves, and sometimes they feel like I?m unlovable, or I?m unworthy, or there?s something wrong with me that I don?t get, and people will see it in me. I don?t know if you had any of those thoughts.

I have, yeah. I mean, you know, as far as?I mean, I guess I?ve wondered about it at some point. You eventually have to, once it?right? It was probably the worst betrayal that?s ever happened to me. But it?s not the only betrayal that?s ever happened. I mean, obviously I?ve had friends that have done me in in the past as well.

Okay, so you need to collect examples?counterexamples?of friends that didn?t betray you. You need to know that it?s normal that anyone who?s been betrayed, been hurt like that.

There?s a fabulous book, After the Affair, by Janis Abrahms Spring, on my website. And it?s not that you?re looking to rebuild the trust, because she?s already out of your life, but it will help you see the type of damage that?s done. And you want to be able to repair, number one, yourself. You are lovable, but you need to show yourself that you?re lovable. And number two, that trust can be built between two people.

So you want to work on those two premises.

And you can also get the book Mind Over Mood, that has premise work at the end of that book?core premise work?and that?s also at my website, DrKenner.com.

So thank you very much for your call, David.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

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If it turns out that you?re not a top value, then is this the right partner for you?

The ultimate proof of how important you are to your partner is how your partner acts toward you on a daily basis, not just what words are expressed. With a loving partner, there will be many loving words, as well as consistency between word and deed.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.