The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com. Here's a question I received from someone who's being given the silent treatment. Have you ever had that in your life? Someone you're close to refuses to talk to you? And how do you deal with that?

Dear Dr Kenner, I've been in a serious relationship for a year and a half. My boyfriend has two children. His 11-year-old daughter refuses to acknowledge me. When spoken to, she refuses to look at me or answer me. I have been nothing less than friendly to her. Her father constantly has to tell her to respect me and to respond to me. She is often rude to her father in front of me, and her behavior is upsetting to all of us. How do we handle this?

Thank you, Jody.

Jody, the first thing you need to know is that what you're doing currently is not working. You've run the experiment with dad trying to tell her, you've got to speak to Jody. You know, she's my girlfriend. This is the woman I've chosen. Now you speak to her. Now look at her when she talks to you, and the 11-year-old just digs her feet in further and refuses to do anything.

So when something like this happens, you need to recognize that your current method isn't working, and then brainstorm alternatives. What would work now? When you try to force her mind open, it's not going to work. If you said, "I want you to tell me right now what's going on. I am sick and tired of these games. You speak right now." She may bury herself even further.

But if you take a different approach, more like you're curious, you're inquisitive, you're puzzled, you're confused, and you say to her, "You know, hon, I notice that you don't talk to my girlfriend. I'm assuming this is that your boyfriend that would do this. I noticed that you don't talk to her, and I know I've yelled at you in the past for that. I don't think I've ever sat down and asked you, what's up with this, honey? Something is hurting you a lot. Something feels unfair. And my guess is you're not only angry, but you're sad, and my guess is you feel a bit powerless to do anything about it. And I'm thinking maybe, if you feel comfortable, maybe even not today?you always give someone some thinking time?but maybe, you know, later this week or next week, we could talk. We could even do it privately without her around, and you could help shed some light on what's going on, what's hurting you, because you're my daughter, and I want to feel close to you, and I want that to?I want to be able to get over this hump together. So let me know what's going on."

So that's what your boyfriend can do. What can you do?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it, a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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So that's what your boyfriend can do. What can you do when she acts that way? Well, he actually has two children, and one of them obviously is talking to you because you're not complaining that both aren't talking to you. We don't know what this little girl has been told. She may have been told some really negative misinformation about you, or it may simply be that she misses her mom. She wishes dad was still married to mom, and she promised herself she would never love the other woman that dad is with, and she's trying to keep her integrity and keep that promise.

You can just let her know, "I noticed that you don't want to talk to me. And I'm in a stalemate. I don't quite know what to do. My guess is at some point you'll want to let me know what's going on, and so help me understand how we can deal with the times that we're together a little better. Since I know you don't want to talk to me, but I don't want to ignore you either. So let's talk about that."

It's good to get to the sad underbelly, too. What's making her so sad? Because typically, when people are angry, that's one emotion, but underneath that, you've got a big loss that's going on. They're feeling that something's not fair, and there's some hurt going on. So if you can address the loss, sometimes people will?even without intending it?break down in tears, and the actual story comes out.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Here is a question I received from someone who doesn't like people and feels guilty about it. Maybe you felt that way sometimes too.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I find that I don't like people. I feel bad because I'm Christian and you're supposed to love everyone, but it is so hard to love everyone. Do you think it's because I work in a place where people are rude and disrespectful to me? I think that I need to go to anger management because I get so upset with them. It is also because we are short-staffed at work, and I feel like I'm doing the job of three. Can you tell me what to do?

Mary, it's really hard because, on one hand, I can't tell you what to do, but we can talk about the situation. Let's look, number one, at the Christian view that you're supposed to love everyone, even your enemy. Does that make sense? What would be the definition of love?

If that were the case, love would mean blinding my own judgment, blinding my own ability to discriminate between people who steal, rob, cheat, murder, and rape, and treating them as if they're equal to the people who don't cheat, rob, murder, and rape. You're trying to blind your own ability to see differences in people. You need to see differences. If you're hiring a babysitter, you don't want a child molester. You need to see differences in people.

So the Christian view that you're supposed to love everyone has a fatal flaw in it. You can't do it. It's not realistic. It is not healthy.

There's an alternative view that says that you need to judge everyone firmly. Even if you don't have information on them, don't be judgmental in a harmful way. For example, saying, "This person's bad because they're Jewish, or they have the wrong skin color" is clearly wrong. But some people may unfairly generalize based on traits that aren't volitional?maybe they're too tall, or you don't like them, or you don't like their skin color. It's unfair to make generalizations about everyone when you don't know that individual's character.

So you're talking about feeling really angry with people, and you've obviously drawn a conclusion that you can't get along with people and that the problem is with other people. You need to know that it is proper to judge people. Some people are nice at work. I can guarantee you that?not 100% of the people who work there. You've told me where you work. It's a big organization. Not 100% of the people can be evil or bad. Somebody has to be nice. So scout out those nice people. Train yourself to see better people, and also you must deal with them in a way that might invite some negatives from them.

If you get angry with them and lose your temper, then I understand that you may get angry with them. So I think giving yourself some cognitive therapy and working on a better way to deal, learning how to defuse people who are rude and disrespectful, might help you. And there are wonderful anger management books. There's an anger management workbook that you can get, and I hope that helps.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

When searching for a potential soul mate, eliminate anyone in whose presence you feel constant friction, annoyance, resentment, anxiety, or self-doubt due to differences in values, personality, habits, tastes, interests, and so on. If you feel like this during the dating process, the problems will get worse. Of those remaining in your potential love pool, pay special attention to anyone who makes you feel fully visible and is a joy to be with, assuming it's not false flattery. Then decide if you can ignore any habits, tastes, and personality traits you don't care for. Are these trade-offs minor or fundamental to you? Are they likely to grow or diminish in importance? Things that bother you a little at first may bother you more later. This is another reason not to rush into a permanent relationship.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.