The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor kenner.com

Dave, you're having some difficulty with your stepmom.

No, it's my stepdaughter.

Oh, your stepdaughter. Tell me what's going on.

She carries around about 10 bottles of water with her per day. Okay, she might drink about half of a bottle. I was just wondering if this is something that I should be worried about.

There's always a story behind it. How old is she?

16?

She's 16 years old. What do you know about her and water, carrying around water bottles?

I can tell you back really, all I can tell you is her backpack is probably 25 pounds.

Okay, so that's not good for her spine, her posture and the rest. Usually, we carry books around, textbooks. Tell me, how long has she been your stepdaughter?

About a year and a half.

A year and a half. Was she happy with you coming into the relationship, into her family?

I think so.

Okay. And how do you connect with her? What do you have in common?

Really, I just tried to do the same thing for her that my parents did with me—kicking around the restaurants, you know, actually trying to find fun things to do, like bowling.

Okay, so you both enjoy bowling?

I don't, but she does, so I do it with her.

Okay, is there anything you could enjoy together? Besides, you know, where you enjoy it. Also, we love food, so that's okay, and she's not overweight. You're not doing her a disservice.

No, she's in good shape.

Okay, so what do you know about water then?

What do I know about water? Yeah, I know. I know the body's 60% water.

Okay, that isn't what I meant. Let me be a little more specific. When somebody is doing something a little peculiar, like carrying around 10 bottles of water and only drinking a half, there's always a story behind it. The reason I was asking what you do with her that you both enjoy, and if you're going to restaurants, what you need is a comfort zone for both of you, where she can open up to you. So if you asked her, if you just playfully—let me add, let me do this two ways, Dave—if I said to you, let's say that you're her, and I say to you, "What's this? What's up with all this water? This is ridiculous. You don't need to carry that. It's too heavy on your back." Do you want to continue talking with me if you're her?

No, not really.

No, I shut you down. I'm attacking you. I'm being critical. Now, that might be what's going through my mind, but I want to approach her differently. I want to approach her with open arms so she feels safe talking to me. I can say to her, "You know, I noticed that you carry a lot of water around. Tell me about that, honey." Now, is that an invitation?

Yeah, but I've actually tried that.

And what does she say?

Well, the issue, and she's a typical 16-year-old girl, yeah, well, her answer is, "That's just me."

That's just you, you know. And I'd love to know more about you. I'd love to know about the water.

Yeah, does she use them as weights for exercise at all?

No, no lifting.

So there's no—okay, so it's a mystery to solve. The fact that it's just water—I'm assuming you said she's how old?

16?

I'm assuming she's not emptying them and putting vodka in them or something in school.
No, no.

Okay, so it's innocent. She's a good kid. She's not in any trouble. Fantastic.

Okay, I think it's just something to understand about her. Was she ever—I mean, what crosses my mind is, if I carry water in my car, I mean, I'll carry it on my back, but I always have water with me. Even if we're going—I went into a restaurant, I said, "Why am I carrying water? This is ridiculous."

That was last.

Yeah, go ahead.

I carry one or two, but yeah, at what point does it become incessant?

Yeah, well, this is definitely—she's definitely raised my curiosity, and I also know that there's an absolute story that would make sense of it in her context, even if it is not rational to do that, to carry all that water, for example.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

I also know that there's an absolute story that would make sense of it in her context, even if it is not rational to do that, to carry all that water. For example, I remember almost getting stuck in the snow. You're too young for this, but the snowstorm of '78 in Rhode Island, we had a huge blizzard.

What's that?

I would have been two years old.

Two years old? So you wouldn't have remembered that, but I was caught in the blizzard of '78, and I almost got stuck in my car. I was very lucky, but from that time, I decided I'm keeping blankets in my car, and I keep one blanket in my car. I keep food in my car. I keep things to do so I won't be bored in case I'm caught in a blizzard. Now, that's in my car. So if you said, "Ellen, why do you need a blanket?" It's like, "Oh, you don't understand. It's the blizzard," and, you know, it's trauma, but it's not a big issue. But it also does no harm for me to carry that around.

So I would say that if she's just carrying water, it's a little curiosity piece to pull out. Is there anything else that is a little bit off with her, that it's not just water?

She has quite a few little niches.

Okay, I think we've got them. Most of them I've gotten past. For instance, when she was 15, she was still afraid of the dark, definitely afraid of thunderstorms.

Okay, those are pretty much the big impact.

Does her mom know about the water? Because her mom knows her history. You've only been with her a year and a half.

Exactly, she does. Does the mom know where the water is coming from? Is she giving it to friends?

No, she basically fills up water bottles to drink, okay, and that she would start drinking, and then she throws them in her backpack and then carries around with her.

Is she doing it to lift weight? Does she think that that's exercise?

No, I didn't mean to just lift them individually as weights, but on her back.

Okay? I definitely think it stems from some type of hydration thing.

You mean, where she got real thirsty once, and she doesn't ever want to be without water?

That's what I would assume. But I don't know any back history. I don't know, you know, one—something like that might have happened.

Yeah, and you know, part of becoming a stepdad to her is over time, she might become more and more comfortable with you when the stories come out. So as long as it's just, you know, I wouldn't pathologize it. Make it look like it's something absolutely ridiculous. It's more of a quirky curiosity piece, which we may—

My husband puts his cereal bowls in the freezer with milk in them, and that's a quirk.

What's that?

That's the problem. Her mom doesn't know.

Okay, well, maybe that's something—maybe it's something you won't find out, but it doesn't sound dangerous at this point. So, you know, I think that it's just something—we all have our quirks, and maybe someday she'll open up and tell you a story that's either just funny or traumatic, and you can just sit and enjoy it with her, but I wouldn't pathologize it.

Listen, Dave, I wish you a very fun relationship with her. Maybe you'll enjoy—I’m with you. I'm not much of a bowler. I would have to force myself there.

Thank you so much for your call.

Okay, thank you.

You're very welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com, and please listen to this.

Ned, here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

When searching for a potential soulmate, eliminate anyone in whose presence you feel constant friction, annoyance, resentment, anxiety, or self-doubt due to differences in values, personality, habits, tastes, interests, and so on. If you feel like this during the dating process, the problems will get worse. Of those remaining in your potential love pool, pay special attention to anyone who makes you feel fully visible and is a joy to be with, assuming it's not false flattery. Then decide if you can ignore any habits, tastes, and personality traits you don't care for. Are these trade-offs minor or fundamental to you? Are they likely to grow or diminish in importance? Things that bother you a little at first may bother you more later. This is another reason not to rush into a permanent relationship.

You can download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.