The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

When custody is shared, children can become caught in emotional crossfire. In this episode, we explore how to protect your child's well-being, reduce stress, and maintain stability when your ex gains partial custody, with insights on communication, consistency, and emotional support.

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Christina, you have a custody issue.

Hi. Actually, it?s for?I?m a grandma, and my daughter is kind of going through the custody issue.

Okay, what?s going on with her?

She has a three-and-a-half-year-old and an eight-month-old, and her ex is now in the Navy, so he?s stationed about 45 minutes away from where they?well, they don?t live together anymore?but he?s stationed at the base. But he?s getting transferred to Texas, which is?I don?t know how far that is from where she lives, from Fresno?but yeah, it?s quite a bit. So the agreement?he wants her to agree to do every three months out of the year, like alternating every three months. He keeps the baby that?s eight months old because that?s biologically his. The other three-and-a-half-year-old isn?t. So he wants to take her to Texas to live there with him because he?s being transferred there from the Navy. And then she keeps her an additional three months, and then rotating back and forth through the year. And my concern?excuse me, go ahead?my concern is this: Is this going to have some kind of effect, mainly on the three-and-a-half-year-old girl, who not only is she going to feel, I think, she?s losing a sister, but not only that, but a daddy, which is kind of like the only daddy she ever really met?

Yeah, there?s no way around it that there?s enormous pain for children, and they are ripe for misinterpreting things. There?s a wonderful book?and it probably would be good for a three-and-a-half-year-old if you go very slowly in it. It?s called Dinosaurs Divorce. It may be on my website, DrKenner.com. No, it isn?t, but I will get it up there. And what is so good about this book is it?s cartoons. It?s about kids going through a divorce with their parents, but it opens up by saying, ?If your parents are getting divorced, you are not to blame.? That opens up the conversation for the kids, because sometimes kids, especially at the age of three and a half?but at any age?they feel like, ?Oh my gosh, Daddy yelled at me because I didn?t make my bed,? or ?I didn?t put away my toys, and now Daddy?s going away. It must be my fault.? Something random happens, they get punished, and then they think that it?s their fault.

So one of the biggest things is to realize that she is not at fault, that this is an adult issue, and Daddy?s going away. Is he planning to stay in her life?the three-and-a-half-year-old?s life?

No, he is not really.

No, he?s only agreed to take the eight-month-old because that?s biologically his daughter. The three-year-old is from a previous relationship, but he?s been around about two years.

She definitely needs?you need to find out what questions she has or what misinterpretations she has, or her mom can do this. I know you?re the grandma, and if you?re sitting with her and she says, ?I miss Daddy,? if she calls him Daddy, you can say, ?Honey, tell me what?s going through your mind,? or ?What are your thoughts?? You could even animate little stuffed animals to ask, ?Hey, what?s going on with you?? You know, a little teddy bear: ?Tell me what?s on your mind.? And she may say, ?I miss him. He doesn?t love me anymore.? Well, that may be the case, but what do you say to a three-and-a-half-year-old? The teddy bear may say, ?That must be sad,? or ?You?re feeling sad. I love you.? The teddy bear can say, ?I?ll always be with you,? or something like that. So there are ways to work with a child so that they feel lovable.

They do need to go through the loss. You can?t deny that. You can?t fake it??Oh, he?ll always love you. He?ll always be back. He just had to go far away.? I wouldn?t engage in lies like that. I don?t think that helps anybody short range or long range. I think it?s just that Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore, and maybe?I don?t know if we?ll be able to see Daddy. It?s a very awkward situation.

I would definitely tell your daughter?and if you want to, too?there?s another book, an adult book, called Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce by Florence Bienenfeld. That is up on my website. Thumbs up on that one. That one you?ll probably have to order, though. It?s not as easy to get. It starts off by showing very dramatic pictures that children have drawn illustrating what it?s like to see their parents going through a divorce, and it?s very much a wake-up call, especially to the dad in this situation, that he is making decisions that are painful.

Are you at liberty to say why they split up? Did he cheat, or did they just grow apart?

At first he was saying that they kind of just grew apart, but a month after he left, he gets married to someone else.

Oh my. I?m assuming he cheated.

Oh my. This is not a good character. I mean, to have that happen a month after, when he?s got an eight-month-old baby right now. So I would try to work with the kids so they feel like they?re very connected, and that?s a bond that can?t break. You work with what you?ve got. He?s out of the picture. That may even be better for the three-and-a-half-year-old if he?s not the best character, possibly.

And I think in terms of the little one going back and forth, that?s an issue that if you read the book Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce, they may rethink that, because that?s an awful lot of travel back and forth. It means that that little one has two mommies?his new wife and your daughter. It?s very hard on your daughter to lose her child for three months. So that?s something that should?if they haven?t agreed to it yet?if they could read that Florence Bienenfeld book together, both the father, who?s in the Navy, I understand, and your daughter, I think that may help them.

Really, people typically say, ?Do what?s best for the children,? but they really mean, ?Do what?s best for me.? But really do what?s best for the children, and they?ll both feel better about themselves longer range if they do that.

So listen, thank you very much for your call.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

?I mean, he could just be involved with?I don?t know?people who get together to invest in things, and the place that they invest in things is filled with potpourri, and that?s why his shirt smells so sweet when he comes home. It?s possible.?

?Yeah, it?s possible, it?s possible, it?s possible. We can find your husband neck-deep in potpourri, investing in things.?

And that is from Shall We Dance, and that?s a darling movie. However, affairs are not so darling. Obviously?well, I?m a plot spoiler here?but you can guess the ending in that one.

But if you are in an affair yourself and you know what that?s like?to live a double life where you have to hold the knowledge of the affair but try to keep it secret from your wife and your children, or your husband and your children?or if you?re on the other end, the person who?s the hurt party, not the unfaithful party but the hurt party, and you never suspect that your partner would betray you and find out that he or she has?that is a nightmarish situation, and you definitely want to get some help.

I highly recommend the book After the Affair. Even if you?re not planning to stay together, that?s a fabulous book. Sometimes the best thing to do is to part ways, but that involves a lot of thought going into making life-changing decisions like that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Dr. Kenner and Dr. Locke:

As you learn more about your romantic partner, it becomes easier to nourish your relationship each day. Ask yourself, ?What can I do today to make my partner feel loved?? Avoid the error of assuming that what makes you feel loved is exactly what makes your partner feel loved.

In The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman recommends that each couple know one another?s most important love languages. One category of love language includes positive encouragement: ?I know you can do it,? giving recognition??Great work??and showing appreciation??Hey, thanks for doing the dishes.? We recommend that you show sincere appreciation to your partner every day. These positive gestures are great visibility enhancers.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.