The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

Growing up with an abusive father leaves deep wounds that don?t just fade with time. As a parent, how can you support your children through the pain, trauma, and fear caused by a toxic parent? In this episode, we explore practical strategies for helping kids heal from an abusive father, including trauma-informed parenting, emotional support techniques, and ways to rebuild a safe and loving environment at home.



Transcript

In The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Emma, you were you're questioning about divorce?

Yes, ma'am, yeah.

And what's your question? Divorce? Is it the most stressful experience for family?

For a family, I would say it can?it can be enormously stressful. It can be one of the top stressors that anyone may ever go through. Of course, there are other stressors. If you look at lists of stressors, some people get much more stressed out about public speaking than they do about anything else. Going to war?you know, for some people active combat is a stressor. The death of a child is a stressor.

But if you?re talking?are you talking about yourself? Are you going through a divorce right now?

Just going over?over the divorce. But then, you know, you look at children.

And you?re worried about your kids, correct? Okay, so how old are your kids?

Five and three.

Five and three years old? So you?ve got little ones at home, and later I want to recommend a book for you. But tell me what?s going on in your situation that?s stressing you out personally.

For the boy, I guess, you know, it?s that? not having that father figure. So they get more vocal in being combative. And the daughter is more introvert, going into herself.

And so she?s shy. Who is the five-year-old?

The boy.

The boy. And the three-year-old is just shy, just going into herself?

Yeah, it?s just like, just going into herself and being quiet and like staying away from people and things like that.

Okay, so she doesn?t quite know how to deal with the situation. Is that a change from how she was at age two?

Yeah, because she was really lively and bubbly.

Oh, that's sad, isn?t it, to see that in your own child. And with your son?was he also a little happy-go-lucky, and he changed too? Or was he always combative?

He was a social butter? butter ball?a butterfly?whatever they call it, you know.

Okay, so both of your kids need to have an opportunity to put this in perspective. Let me tell you what?one of the reasons it's so stressful for kids is they don't understand that it's an adult issue. They may have heard you and Dad fight. Was that the case at all?

Yeah, and they? the?I don't want to say?the straw that broke the camel's back was when he started, instead of beating me, going after the children. That was it.

Okay, so they are scared. So this isn?t?he was physically abusive to your two kids?

Well, with the little girl, and that was it.

And your son saw this?

No, he didn't.

Okay, but that is scary as all get-out. No wonder she?s become shy.

So several things happen. First, kids have a view of themselves, and when they?re happy-go-lucky?I mean, we could guess what they would say about themselves, but it's like, ?Oh, life is fun,? or ?I'm a good person,? or ?I'm having fun today.? They see themselves as being decent people.

When they get yelled at or spanked or hit or sworn at, they might conclude something different: ?I'm bad,? or ?Daddy? I'm unlovable,? or ?I'm a failure,? or ?I'm a loser,? you know?some negative view.

And then they might adopt a view of other people?not only the view of themselves, but they might adopt a view of others as: ?Man, if I had a big dad and I?m a little three-year-old or two-year-old kid, and a dad going to hit me, what might I think about adults?? Yeah?they hurt me. They?re scary people. They can turn on you. They can love you one minute, hug you, tuck you into bed, and then hit you. And they can hit Mommy. They can hit big people too if the kids saw that.

And so what's happening is their view of themselves, their view of other people, and their view of the world? I mean, if you're happy-go-lucky, you see kids at playgrounds, and some of them go in there and they just?they make friends with all the other kids, and they say, ?You want to come on the swings with me?? And others just go in a corner and look like they're afraid of the world. They?re afraid.

And so the kids have different views of: can they go after their values? Can they befriend other people?

So it sounds like what happened with your ex was very devastating for the two kids?the little ones. But that doesn't mean that you can't help turn it around.

And one of the things you can do is?hey.
I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? Well, when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last.

Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon, or SelfishRomance.com.

So it sounds like what happened with your ex was very devastating for the two kids?the little ones. But that doesn't mean that you can't help turn it around, and one of the things you can do is help give them a better view of themselves and of other people?to be around people who are more trustworthy.

Are they around people who are loving, like a grandma, or people who have never?never hit them or sworn at them or been mean to them?

They're very? person to my? to my mom.

They're close to Mom. Yeah.

And tell me what's going through your mind right now, Emma.

A very good adjuster. I think I sometimes try to be my own psychologist?whether that?s good or bad?but it helps me, yeah, because it helps me to move on to the next level, you know, order of things, and just keep going.

Okay, so if you're hearing what I'm saying, it's your kids? view of themselves and other people and the world that changes. Those are actually called core ideas that all of us have: my view of myself, my view of other people, my view of the world. Hey, if I were at a different point in my life, I might have felt real insecure? a very different view.

So if your goal is to help yourself and your kids through this period, number one: I would get a cute little book called Dinosaurs Divorce. And that's a book that?it starts off by saying, ?Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, but it is not your fault.? I'm paraphrasing it. And kids need to hear that it?s not their fault that Daddy left home because sometimes kids assume the guilt of adult problems: ?You know, it's because I didn't clean my room yesterday.?

And so that book puts things in perspective.

There?s also a book Some Secrets Are Not for Telling. That might be one you could read to yourself and maybe help the kids with it. But the kids don't have to ever keep secrets?I mean, some secrets are fun, like a birthday party or a surprise Christmas gift. But some secrets are for telling?meaning if anyone hits them or hurts them the way Dad did.

Do they still have contact with Dad?

No. No, they don?t.

Okay. So they may? and you can also try to find a better father figure in their life, whether you end up having a boyfriend, or whether there's a grandpa, or whether there's a neighborhood older kid that?s a really clean, good kid that likes to babysit with them. They can have an adult in their life, or a teenager in their life, who's a good kid to them, and that will help them repair the damage done too.

So those can help.

So listen, I want to thank you for your call, and you can go to my web? I don?t know if we have Dinosaurs Divorce on my website, but you can Google that. Emma, all right?

Yes, ma?am.

Okay. Thank you very much for the call, and good luck with the two kids. And be good to yourself too, because divorce is stressful.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. ?The owner is Roger Enright, one of those self-made men, stubborn and rich as blazes. It's always safe to denounce the rich. Everyone will help you. The rich first.?

Yeah, and?that?s about envy. And that's from The Fountainhead. My favorite author wrote that book, and her name is Ayn Rand. A-Y-N R-A-N-D.

That book, The Fountainhead, and her other book Atlas Shrugged, changed my life. I went back and got my Ph.D. after being a housewife for a while. Fabulous books. They're romantic, passionate?they?re page-turners and absolutely wonderful.

But what happens if you're dealing with someone who's envious of you, and they say, ?You're rich?? Well, you know, rich people come in all varieties. They can be the dishonest rich, or they can be bureaucrats who get rich on taxpayer money. Or there can be the honest rich?the self-starter, the person who takes risks and becomes very successful through their own effort. And many people resent the rationally successful person and try to tear them down?try to lump them in the category of the ?bad people??as if rich means something bad. But rich may be productive? that they?re wealth producers.

So you want to look at your own life. And if you are producing something good?whether it's in your own character, you like the person you're making yourself into, or whether it's a material good that you are good at what you do, whether it's a service you provide, whether you run a restaurant and you do a very nice job?you don?t just make it by?or whether you produce the new iPhone, you want to feel proud of that and enjoy whatever wealth you've earned because you've earned it.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this ad. Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

?When pursuing a romantic relationship, be wary of a partner's refusal to take a medical condition seriously, such as high blood pressure. Individuals who do not value their own lives enough to take steps to keep healthy condemn their partners to chronic worry. Who enjoys the prospect of living with someone who is at high risk health-wise yet refuses to take reasonable actions to significantly reduce that risk? It?s like living with someone committing slow suicide.

The same principle holds for partners with mental health problems. This can be a serious problem because often people with mental health problems deny or do not realize how serious their problem is. For example, depression. Outside help from the family doctor may be needed to convince the person to seek therapy.?

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.