The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

In this episode, we talk about what to do if your eleven-year-old daughter?or any child?faces school bullying, school anxiety, or fear of classmates. Learn practical parenting advice, ways to support bullied kids, and strategies to help children feel safe, confident, and ready to go back to school.



Transcript

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Roy, you have an 11 year old? Is it a daughter or a son?

I have a daughter, a daughter, and what's going on with her?

She has not been comfortable with going to school every day. She's gone with the crying and acting up, and every single day.

What grade is she in?

She is in the sixth grade.

Sixth grade. So you could, as a parent, you want to go into detective mode. What clues has she given you? What words has she said in frustration or in tears? What does she say?

She has expressed to me that she's not comfortable with school, and she hasn't given me any reason why she doesn't like school. She just says she doesn't like it. But at first she was very excited about going to this Academy school, you know, since school started, then now she's not okay.

So it's a change. It's not that she was a kid who was a clingy kid and never liked leaving your side.

Nah, I think that she was, she was sheltered and pretty much she was cleaned by us within private schools are in the school year?

Yeah, she was with us until now.

Okay, she had some kind of branch out on her own.

Oh, so she's been, has she been home schooled since fifth grade?

Don't know, Ma'am, she's been in private schools where her mother has taught, or her brothers and sisters have gone. Everybody's close knit, close by her, so she's got her family with her.

Everyone's spread out, so she's going to a school where she doesn't have that comfort zone, right?

Right.

And so here's the problem: when a child says that they don't want to go to school, there could be umpteen causes, and let me name a few of them. As a parent, the goal is to help her feel comfortable enough to let down her guard and talk. And that's a whole other skill set. Most parents don't have it. We can talk about that too.

Let me give you first a couple of reasons that kids don't like going to school, and you could probably guess them yourself.

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Huh? The Selfish path to romance, that is interesting.

Let me give you first a couple of reasons that kids don't like going to school, and you could probably guess them yourself. There could be a teacher that they don't like. I know my kid once had a teacher that I didn't like. I didn't know it until I went in and sat in a classroom and said, "Oh my God. Every day with this person, you got to be kidding." So sometimes the change of a classroom is in order.

Sometimes it's kids that are picking on your daughter, and she may not tell you. I know I was really embarrassed as a young kid. I didn't want to tell my parents that the whole school had teamed up against me. I mean, that's a lot. The whole school yard is my little group of friends, but it felt like the whole world. And I just was too embarrassed, and I held that in for a few days.

Now, but this has gone on for a long time with your daughter. But if there is a kid that's picking on her, that could be a reason not to go into school. If she feels like an oddball, if she wears clothes that other kids don't wear, or if it's if they wear uniforms, that wouldn't be the case. But sometimes kids pick on? I know my kid got picked on for, you know, "your ears are bigger," "your nose is big," or that type of thing.

Kids can be wonderfully loving, huh? They can be cruel. So there may be something she's sensitive about. It could be that you have a sibling, a new sibling, at home, and she doesn't want to leave home. That may not be the case.

Do you have, does she have any younger ones at home?

She has a younger one, but, uh, she's not. That's not?he finally broke down and told me the reason.

Oh, tell me.

Yes. After all this time, she has broken down. And finally we sat down together, she finally broke down, and it's Reason number two.

Okay, I don't remember my?I rattled them off.

So what's Reason number two?

The picking on. Kids are picking on her.

Yeah, this one, one child is giving her heck every day.

Oh man, and making her, making her cry. So she needs skills in order to deal with a bully.

What does the kid say to her? What has she shared with you?

She has shared with them?my daughter's a straight A student, and the teacher's fabulous, that she turns in her work on time.

Yeah, and she does everything beautifully, which this other student is getting angry about.

Yeah, okay, it flashed down on her. Now, let me tell you, I was a good kid too. I was a straight A student at times, not all the time, but enough times that I'm proud of it. And anytime you achieve something good, there will always be kids who don't achieve that, and some of them want to?they look at you as a hero, and they want to do what you do. Other kids want to tear you down. They want to knock you down at the knees and make fun of you and just say, "Oh, you're a?" whatever they get all the names they call you.

And so she needs a way to feel?to see herself as proud.

What do the kids call her? What names?

Oh man, just?I mean it. They pretty much are pretty mean to her, and call her some real?they curse at her. They curse.

Okay, so you don't want to say it, then it does. Is the teacher aware of this?

Yes, I've been up there for the past three days in a row, yeah? And to express my disappointment, I want some kind of?just been done.

Yeah, you know, and they're aware of it, and they keep talking to the girl, and she said she would stop, but it never stops.

Okay. So your daughter could use some communication skills too. She can say, "I notice you keep picking on me," or "you keep calling me whatever it is, and I'm hoping that will stop," or "I expect that to stop."

And your daughter needs to connect with friends that are very supportive of her, other good students, or people who admire that, and make friends that way.

When I was picked on, the teacher kept all the kids after school. She told them that they are never to do this again. It has to stop right here. They sent me out to clap the erasers. In the old days, when you clapped erasers, and when I came back, the girls were all talking to me again, and that, you know, is a very awkward situation. But sometimes you need parental intervention.

I want to recommend a book: How to Talk So Kids Can Learn. Okay, there's also one How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. Actually, that one's great. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. It's at my website: RoyDrKenner.com, D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com. My favorite.

Okay, thanks. And you can, you can try to work with your daughter to give her some of the skills that are in that book. My daughter read that book when she was very young, the one How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and she helped bring me up. She helped me fix my parenting skills so that I became a better parent.

So it sounds like you've already done wonderful detective work, and it sounds like working with the school, working with your daughter to give her more communication skills is the answer. And you sound like an amazingly caring dad with a bright daughter.

Tell her, I said she's bright.

Thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner:

This last week with Dad, it's been a living hell. When I'm there, I feel like my territory is being violated. When I'm not, I'm worried about what he's up to. I'm a nervous wreck. You don't still have the brochures from Rosie, those rest homes, do you?

But you really think that's necessary?

I'm afraid I do. I don't have my life anymore.

You don't suppose there's a chance that you and Maris could?

Dear God, no.

And that's from Frasier, and caretaker responsibilities are very difficult. I mean, you may love your mother, you may love your father, but to have them move in under your roof, with all the dynamics that still may be there from childhood, is not always an easy thing, and it can lead to a lot of stress, a lot of tension, and most of us love our privacy.

Even though we love having friends, we don't want to live with them all the time. Even though we love having kids, many people are happy when the kids leave the nest. Even though we love being in a romantic relationship, we still like quiet times to do things for ourselves, to read a book for ourselves. And that's not easy to negotiate in many situations.

For more Dr Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

Feeling invisible implies that you are not important or perhaps not well matched with your partner. One important type of visibility is intellectual visibility. Intellectual visibility means showing respect for your partner's mind. It is helpful if partners possess roughly the same degree of mental ability and education. If there is a huge discrepancy, it will be difficult to have interesting conversations about topics that you both enjoy.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book@amazon.com