The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

Raising grandchildren isn?t easy?especially when you?re stepping in because your own adult child is irresponsible, abusive, or absent. In this episode, we dive into the hard truths of grandparent caregivers trying to manage discipline, anger, and family conflict.


Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Welcome to the show, Randy.

Hey, thank you.

Oh, you're welcome, and you're dealing, your daughter's angry with you.

My daughter is 23 years old, and she has anger issues, to say the least, and they come out verbally, and which is not very nice, and she's just, I don't know, it's like a constant with her if she doesn't get her way, or if I say something that doesn't sit well with her, or, you know, in any way reflects her husband or her children, you know? She just goes off on me. I'm 50 years old. I live with her, you know, and I have raised my children, and a lot of times I'm raising hers, and that's another issue.

How many kids?

Three, four years old, three years old and one year old?

So you're the, you're the live-in grandma, babysitter.

That's correct, yeah.

And I don't want to be.

Okay. What would you like to do?

I would like to have a place of my own, yeah? And, you know, just a small, simple place, and see my grandchildren when you know that when they, it would be fun for them to come over, because they have absolutely no place to go, the only grandparent that they know and, you know, so they don't ever get to go anywhere and spend the night.

And I love my grandchildren dearly, but they are, it's very tough ages, and it's very difficult for me to deal with them at times. You know, I believe in spanking, and I'm the only one here that does. I'm like Nanny 911, anyway, the children don't pay any attention to mother and daddy when they try to correct them. But when I, when you know, when it's me, they know that I am very serious about what I'm fixing to do.

Okay, you are bringing up a lot of different issues. So let me focus on two of them, actually three of them, if I can do that. Okay? No, we only have a few minutes here.

The first one is, you want to be honest with yourself and honest with them if you're wanting a place of your own, and that's what's causing some of the underlying tension in the house. If you want to be a grandma where you have the luxury of playing with them, and then they go home at night and mom and dad take care of them, what's preventing that from happening? Do you have a finance, okay, can you earn some money to buy your freedom?

I have applied for disability, and if you know anything about that, you know...

Okay, but I'm saying something different. Can you, even many people who are disabled can earn money? Is there a way for you to earn money to buy?

Kind of stuck in this situation, Dr. Kenner, because I am the only one here out of the three adults who can legally drive. My son-in-law does not have a driver's license. Cannot get one. He is Hispanic, and my daughter, her license are suspended.

So why is her license suspended?

She did not pay a ticket.

Okay. So all the driving that has to be done, it falls on me. Okay? It's very, very taxing.

The way you present it, you're trapped there because you don't want to abandon your daughter and her choices. Her choices were to marry this man, to have three children, when she could not handle it on her own. She did not belong having three children. Now granted, once you have the kids, they are lovely kids, and you can't push them back in obviously, and so you have the kids. But before then, she needed to do much better thinking, and she should do that thinking going forward before you have a fourth grandchild on your hand?

We have our tubes tied, okay?

And the second issue, which just is major for me, is?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance, I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

And the second issue, which just is major for me, is that you never reach a child's mind by using an uncivilized method. Meaning, if you want to reach your grandchildren's minds, they're uncivilized, your goal is to civilize them. You do not civilize them by a hands-off, neglectful approach and let them run roughshod, let them run the house. I agree with you fully there.

But luckily for you, there's an alternative to spanking. Spanking makes you feel like a bully, and it makes them feel angry and afraid of you. You see the fear in their eyes, you see the hatred in their eyes, you see the loss of self-esteem that they feel when they blame themselves. And so it's a no-win situation. But many people don't know what to do instead.

So I recommend going to my website, there is Oxygen, and get the book under Parenting. Get the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. That may make grandparenting actually fun and joyous, because you will be grasping principles that work with everybody in your life.

I once taught this course How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk to a bunch of elderly men at a psychiatric hospital, but they were in the day hospital. They were doing fairly well, and none of them had kids at home, and they loved the course because it taught basic communication skills by using comics. It's just a fun course. The authors are fabulous.

So that's number one. They also have a book Siblings Without Rivalry, but once you read one of their books, you'll be hungry for others.

The second thing is, how do you?

I'm a book freak. I love to read.

Oh, good for you. Then the second is the question you started with: how do you deal with your daughter who's angry? You are angry too. You are angry with her. You feel put upon. Anger is the emotion you feel when things are not fair, right? And underneath that, there's a sadness for both of you, because you don't have a good relationship.

So sometimes it's good to get to the sadness, like what are you missing out on? And if you could have a good conversation with her on figuring out what?what does she say to you? We only have a minute left. What does she say to you?

Oh, it's stuff like, ?Oh, I can't ever do anything right. You know, I'm sorry that these kids aren't perfect.?

Okay, then let me, I know I need to jump in here because we're at the end of time. But what you could say is, ?You know, neither of us know exactly how to do things right, and we're both on overload. We're both feeling very stressed. There's a woman who recommended a book, why don't we both take a look at it and see if it gives us any ideas where we can both work together with the kids and maybe even better our own relationships. So it's more comfortable being in the same home together.? You can talk with her that way. That may ease her down, rather than trying to confront her.

So listen, thank you so much for your call.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.

Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive compulsive disorder and then act as though I had some choice about barging in?

I can help you if you take responsibility to keep Randy?

Change the room. Around two years ago, do you know how hard it was for me to come here?

Yes, I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.

And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and that's from As Good As It Gets. And if you have, in quotes, a psychological disorder, a psychological problem, is it true that you should not be challenged by a psychologist? There are many psychologists who will not challenge you, who will work with you, who will guide you, and that approach works for many. For others, the approach needs to have some challenge.

For people who are that angry and that demanding, you need to be able to break through their resistance. But it's better, I think sometimes it's better to go for the soft underbelly, because I think people who are that angry are really hurting inside, and if you can get to the hurt, then you can understand their anger better.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

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You yourself may have health problems, and you would want to make sure that your partner is accepting of them. Some people don't mind having a partner with even serious physical limitations, but for others, even minor but chronic limitations become a major source of frustration.

Download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book @amazon.com.