The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Ruth, you're dealing with someone who's angry a lot and depressed.

Yes, yeah, tell me about it.

He's my son, and he's divorced recently, within the last year, year and a half, and he's just very unhappy. Thought that he had done all that he could for the relationship, and he has two children, and he's just very unhappy about it, and some of the choices he makes for his free time do not seem to be?I mean, he spends good time with his children and everything, but he just seems to be angry, and sometimes it's hard for me to respond to him.

Is he living with you?

Yes.

Okay, so that's the reason that it's really bringing it to front and center in your life. Correct. I would love to help you. Can you give me a snapshot of something he typically does that irks the heck out of you, that feels unfair to you?

Well, he smokes cigarettes. We'll just do one minor one.

Okay.

He's got some very good manners and pleases and thank yous, but he smokes cigarettes. I've asked him not to smoke in the house, and periodically he will smoke in his bedroom, and he'll put it out in in a water kind of a thing, and throw the cigarette in there. And he's just not as clean or orderly as he used to be, and I don't?I mean, he's old enough where I should not be disciplining him or telling him?

Yeah, 37?

Okay.

Okay, so it's hard not to get back in the mothering role and you're upset that he's smoking. What has worked to reach him in the past, when you've wanted to communicate to him and you feel it's gone well? What have you done?

Boy, I don't know. I have tried numerous things. That's a good question. I don't know.

Because partly, you're wanting him not to smoke.

Partly, with the smoking part it has nothing to do with it. I don't want him smoking in the house.

In the house. And why do you think?what do you think he's violating that? Why do you think he's?

I think sometimes he just wants to watch TV and not go out on the balcony, because about 95% of the time he smokes on the balcony.

And that's okay with you, that he smokes on the balcony?

Yes, it's outdoors. It's not enclosed, and I don't agree with the fact that he should be smoking, but it's not anything I can do anything about.

Okay, so if you were to say?let me just run something by you, because I know we don't have a whole lot of time here?if you were to say to him, I'll give him a name: Joey. Joey, I smelled the cigarette smoke again, and how can we work together so that doesn't become an irritant between us, because I value having you around. I know you're going through a rough time. I know you'd probably rather be anyplace but here. How can we work together better with the small thing of the smoking?

Ooh, that's what I need. I need this recorded. I should have typed it down.

Okay, you can listen to it on a podcast.

But yeah, that's what you want. What you're doing is you're engaging his cooperation, and you're trying to work with him. You don't know where he's coming from. If you go into a parental role with him: ?I told you to stop smoking and you're doing it again!??that's not an invitation to him.

If you ask?

Go ahead.

Can you say that again? And I want to try to get it logged into my memory of how to say, okay, nicely and like friend to friend.

Okay. Well, you're trying to see the world through his eyes for a moment, you know. And I may be rephrasing it a little differently, but: You know, hon, I walked by your room again, and I could smell the cigarette smoke and I saw that you put one out in a glass, or whatever it is. So number one, I'm naming what I observed. You're giving him the evidence just gently, not with anger. Now that's masterful if you can pull that off as a mom itself?just naming the facts. And then you say, ?My guess is that this is tough on you.? My guess is. I'm not saying I know this is tough on you because I can't read another person's mind. My guess, or I suspect, or ?I sense that this is tough on you being here, and that you'd probably rather be anyplace else than here.? You know, this is a small thing. So you don't make it into a big issue. You can name?because that's what you told me?I'll deal with a small one first. This is a small thing. I wouldn't even say ?issue,? because issue sounds big. You know, this is a small thing. And I'm wondering how we could work together so we don't feel irritated with each other, and maybe get into the old patterns with the smoking. You know, what's best for you?

You did mention?before you leave, Ruth, you did mention something about his anger. That's what you started with.

Yes.

If he's got a lot of anger, do you know how to diffuse that?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick Ave, and then Alan will be back.

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If he's got a lot of anger, do you know how to diffuse that?

I do not.

Okay. You want to give me a quick snapshot of that, and I can help you with that.

Just when I ask him, ?How are things going????Well, how do you think they're going? Okay, I spent 12 years as a person and item to see my children on a day-to-day basis. How do you think they're going??

So it sounds like you're irritated when I ask you that question, honey. Well, you'd prefer that I don't ask you that question. It sounds like it's rough enough for you without me asking you to talk about it.

I need classes. Okay, thank you.

Yeah, but notice?that's a skill. What I actually did, Ruth, was that he, instead of?he?s giving me a message. And what's the essence of the message? He doesn't like me questioning him. ?Me? meaning the mom, right?

Okay.

And so if I can name exactly what I'm feeling from him as an observation?remember, you're focused on facts as an observation??You know, honey, it sounds like this is nagging you or you don't like it when I ask you this question.? And I can also add, ?And it sounds like it's really rough on you, and it doesn't help to relive it with me.? And then you can put out a helping hand if you want: ?Whenever you feel like talking, it would probably be better if I just leave it to you. Then, hon, you know, I'm available, and if you want to talk, that's fine. If it feels like you're on overload already, then I understand.?

Okay. I'm gonna try this. Okay, better off if you were the person he was communicating with than myself? I think, yeah, I get so caught up in wanting to see a change, I think quickly that it's sad.

Okay, let me give two recommendations to you. Change takes a long time, and my kids?with all of the training that I have, all the skills I have, all the courses that I've taught, all the therapy that I've given?I occasionally slip up, and we laugh at it, because it's normal to slip up. So don't beat up on yourself if you're having difficulty implementing what we talked about just once. You know, that's not feasible. You can go to my website and get a book, ?Changing for Good,? which could help, and another book, ?Difficult Conversations.? Changing for Good and Difficult Conversations, right? If that book isn't on my website yet, just Google it. They're both fabulous books. Listen. Thank you so much for your call.

Thank you for taking my call. I really appreciate it.

Okay. Ruth, thank you.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

I can't stand people. I hate them.

Oh yeah, you hate them.

No, but I seem to feel better when they're not around. Hey, barkeep, some scotch and water.

Like, what do you do?

I drink.

And that's from Barfly. And guess what crossed my mind when I heard that? ?I hate people. I don't like to be around them.? They're talking back and forth about other people. Guess who they're escaping from though? It's not other people. The drinking is to escape from themselves, instead of using their minds well, figuring out: What am I dealing with? Where have I let myself down? What interpersonal problems am I having? Problems with other people?how do I solve them? Instead of looking at the problems as things that are solvable, they just throw in the towel and drink and then end up disliking themselves because they drink and needing to drink more.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com

and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com