The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and @amazon.com

Stacy, you're having some problems with your kids.

Okay, when you say your whole family, you're coming in a little funny. I'm not sure if it's your phone. When you say like crap, who in particular would you like to talk about?

Like my two kids.

Your two kids? How old are they?

My daughter's 19. My son is 15. Fifteen and 19 years. Every time I talk to my son, he tells me to shut up, because my husband, every time I talk to him, he tells me be quiet. And my daughter just pretty much treats me like crap. She always thinks she has upper hands, thinks she knows everything. Every time she doesn?t like it, she just runs to a boyfriend's house who's 28 and she's 19.

Okay, so she's making a decision that may not be in her own long-term best interests, although my husband and I have six years between us. But why do you think they do not respect you? You're hungry for the respect. What do you think went wrong?

I don't know. I do everything for them. I don't know. To me, if I was my kids, I would hate my husband. He is nothing but them and nothing for them. I wouldn't be able to stand him if I was my kids. But me, I do everything for them, everything. I'm waiting to come home. I cook for them. I do everything, and then they just treat me like garbage. Probably because they know I'll just be around every time they, you know?

Okay, but why? Why does any person bite the hand that feeds them? You've heard that phrase before?because they can. Well, kids like to have good relationships with their parents, believe it or not. I've done a lot of therapy with teenage kids, and they'll tell me that they wish they could get along with their mom or?

See, my daughter wants to talk. The boyfriend, he talks to me. He tells me, yeah, she wants to own you. She comes home crying, over crying sometimes. I'm like, well, if she wants to get on me, why don?t you ever try? She tells me tonight, she goes, ?I'm done trying. I've liked it since I was little and you never got to change.? I'm like okay, well?

Okay, so she's trying to communicate something to you, and she?s giving up. She?s resigning. And the big question mark, the gift you want to take away from today?s phone call is?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is?The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

And the big question mark, the gift you want to take away from today?s phone call is what specifically has your daughter been trying to get through to you that you have not heard accurately, and she?s so frustrated that she throws her hands up and cuts off the relationship. And feels hurt. She feels angry with you. What is it in particular? What is that question mark? What have you not heard that your daughter has genuinely wanted to tell you?

She said I don?t listen when she talks.

Interesting. What are your thoughts on that?

And then she says I always put her down. Whatever. All I ever do, to me, all I ever do is compliment. So I don't know. Like I don't know what?she told me I?m always putting her down. And my son is always angry. I mean my son?s always angry. He?s really the worst. And he was always like my salvation. He was always the one who made me laugh and everything. The last two years, he tells me shut up every time he talks. He probably gets it from my husband, because my husband's always telling me to be quiet every time I talk, which is?how would you like to live in the house? Every time you talk, you get told be quiet? It?s horrible. And no one ever talks. Everyone?s really quiet. I'm the only one that talks. It?s like living with the monks. It's horrible. I hate it.

So the pattern is similar between you and your daughter. She's saying, ?Mom, you don't hear me. You're not listening.? And you're saying about your husband, ?He doesn?t listen to me. He tells me to shut up.? Like I don't matter. My mind doesn't matter. I, as a person, am worth discarding. And my daughter feels discarded. Not because I don't make her dinner. I make her dinner. I do so much. But I'm not doing what she really, really wants?and what I really want from my husband?which is what? The listening. Listening is incredibly valuable.

There's a book that I'm just at the end of reading right now. It's called Difficult Conversations. You can Google it. I'll probably put it up on my website DrKenner.com. It?s not there yet, but that?s a book that may help you, because it talks about how to break through by listening, becoming curious, asking questions rather than doing what you think they want or doing what you think a good mom would want. And it?s not hitting the mark with them. They want you to listen. What do you think you could listen to today or this week that your daughter might want to say to you?

She wanted to tell me that she went to?she was going to get a job in a place where they read palms, and she was going to read the tarot cards, because I totally don't believe any of that stuff. Because I'm Catholic and I believe?I think it?s evil and it?s not of God. And then she came back, and she didn?t tell me because I really didn?t want to hear about it. And then I prayed about my friends. And she ended up?I said, ?What happened with that job?? And she said, ?I'm not going to take it because of?you know, when I'm at school,? she goes, ?my only day off is Saturday and I won?t have enough time myself, so I?m not going to do it.? She wanted to tell me about that. I really didn?t want to hear about it. And I was like man, I should listen to her because she was excited about it, you know?

If you listen, you can have a lot more influence. Anytime someone tells you to believe what they say or to think that they have higher powers than you have, I think it?s all in the category of irrational. So let's say that I'm your daughter and I come home and I say, ?Mom, I am so excited. Guess what I'm going to do? I?m going to read palms. I'm going to get a job doing that.? How would you listen?

Okay, tell me about it. Okay.

I can hear a little bit in your tone like, ?Yeah, you're really doing this,? right?

So let's say I go ahead?

It?s something I don?t believe in.

Yeah, okay. But let me just, because of time, we don?t have a lot of time here. Let me go back and forth with the role-play. Let's say you have the right words: Tell me about it. And let?s say I say, ?Well, it?s so exciting. I'll be able to make $10 an hour, and then I?ll be able to buy?? What does she want to buy?

No, she has a full-time job. I know she can buy too. And I really don't know.

I just think it?s really exciting because I'll be able to earn a little more money and the woman seems cool. It just seems like a fun thing to do. Now, what your goal is as a parent is to ask me: What else do you like about it? Get all the positives out first. And then you can ask her a little further down, ?What are your reservations?? Or she may even say, ?You know, I know it's a bit quacky.? And then she's invited you to ask what question? Okay, what do you think is quacky about it? Or what do you think is irrational about it? Or what do you think is off base? Or what are some of the negatives? And so you help her explore any concerns she has in her mind rather than try to tell her what to do. That?s the method you want. That?s what you wish your husband had with you. I would get that book Difficult Conversations. And I think that may help you.

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Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Your first impression of any person is always an automatic emotional response to various cues, some of which you may not even be aware of at the time. Beyond what a person says, many cues are nonverbal, including tone of voice, facial expressions, laughter, eye contact and body language. Intuitive reactions are, of course, very personal. If a man says to a woman he just met, ?Hey, you're a cute babe,? one woman would be repulsed, thinking subconsciously that the comment implied she was a brainless sex object. Another might be flattered, seeing it as a compliment to her attractiveness. Others might think the remark was humorous or perhaps trite and superficial, and so on. The same personal reactions also occur in response to nonverbal cues.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book @amazon.com