The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Kathy, you're having some difficulty with your mom.

Actually, with my brother and sister. They're grown, and they live with my mom, which is like 77.

Okay, she's 77?

Yes, she's 77.

Yeah.

And my brother has been like this since he was in his late 20s, you know, kind of paranoid. He thinks the mom's out to get him, and he's never worked. He's lived at home his whole life. And then my sister, after her divorce, we found out she's like that too. She hears voices through the radio. She's delusional. She's very mean and hateful at times. You know, I mean really mean to my mom. Calls her horrible, rude, nasty names.

Give me one that's okay for radio.

Pardon me?

Give me a rude, nasty name that's okay to hear on radio.

I can't say that.

Okay, okay. I meant one that's okay for radio, but okay, so yes, go, continue.

Okay. Anyway, I'm trying to get them some help, but they don't. If you try to talk to them about, you know, what they're dealing with and stuff, they get really mad and angry at you, and there's nothing wrong with them. And it's, you know, we're all the ones that are crazy, you know, but we don't tell them they're crazy. We just say, you know, you need to talk to somebody and try to get them to seek some help, because they're just wasting their life, you know? They're not doing anything. They're not working. They're just living at my mom's house and treating her really bad.

And so they're biting the hand that feeds them.

Yes, yes.

Okay, and they're in their what age, like 40s?

Almost 39 and my brother's 53 I think, yeah.

And tell me a little bit about you. You're not like them, I take it. Otherwise you wouldn't be calling.

Exactly. And I have an older brother that's not like that. You know, we both have our own lives, and we work, or you know, we have kids and well, I'm married. My husband, my brother's not, yeah, but they, I don't know. They just, they're, I don't know. I can't describe it. I don't know why they're like this. You know, I guess my sister's been like this for a long time, and I just never saw it, yeah, but I guess that's why her husband divorced her, because I do remember he says he can't take it anymore.

Yeah?

With her, and your brother's always been like this too.

He's been like this since he got out of the military. He spent two years from the time he was 18 to 21 I believe.

In active combat.

Yeah, he did.

Okay. He may have something like post-traumatic stress disorder, where he's numbing and he's just throwing his life away. Maybe he feels guilty for some killing he might have done if he was in active combat, or maybe he was severely traumatized. Here's?I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Another possibility is that both of them had umpteen possible, umpteen chances in life to turn their lives around. They're not dumb. They can tell the difference between someone who's productive and someone who's a moocher, who's a looter, you know, just living off mom. And people who typically make bad choices, one bad choice after another, to not move their lives in a happiness-producing direction, in a goal-focused direction with their own personal goals, become very resentful of anybody who does achieve goals. Who does achieve their happiness?

Sounds so true. She hates me big time.

Yeah, and they become envious. And it's very subtle. They don't?they do put up that wall of anger if you try to reach out to them or face them with their own contradictions, or show them what choices they have. They know what choices they have. They're not?they're not?they still have minds. They still can ask mom for money or live under her roof.

So when people have a lot of self-contempt and they haven't made themselves into people that they feel proud of, they can either start turning that around little by little, or they can throw their lives away, in which case, they will not like people who are on the happiness premise, and they will bite the hand that feeds them because they both need the person that's feeding them, like the welfare state. I work with welfare clients, and they need the people who are the producers, the thinkers, the ambitious people, the people who are inventors, and yet they bite the hand that feeds them. They don't thank them. They become entitled. That whole word ?entitled? comes from that.

So what can you do?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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So what can you do?

You can periodically appeal to self-interest. If they shut you down, keep your eyes wide open and notice how they shut you down, what they say. You can even review, figuring out what have they done in the past, and see if they're open to reason. If they're not open to reason, you can see if you can get mom some help, if she's decent, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, that's what she was?she cries to me, and she's like, I don't know what to do. I've tried to get them help. They don't want help.

You cannot?

Yeah, go ahead, I'm sorry. No, go ahead.

She's even had to call the police on my sister before because she got rough with my mom. What did she do? ?We can prosecute her, you know, we'll arrest her,? yeah, ?but you have to follow through,? and mom didn't want to press charges.

Okay. Can mom kick them out?

She won't, because she doesn't want her babies living on the street with no place to live.

So they're appealing to pity and guilt and duty with your mom. And you cannot force your brother or your sister unless they cross a line and you get the police involved. Then you can evict them with your mother. Typically mothers that have?a lot of times mothers that have kids who are wayward kids, regardless of the age, whether they've turned to drugs or alcohol or just mooching. It's very hard. Mothers feel so responsible even if they did nothing, that it's hard for them to let go.

So your mother can be in a lot of pain, but you can't force your mother's mind either, but you can encourage her. Maybe you can encourage her to get some help, some therapy, and I would recommend cognitive therapy. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com. I have a link to a cognitive therapy website, or AcademyOfCT.org, CognitiveTherapy.org.

And you can't force a mind. And I would recommend the book, my favorite book, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Because ?Shrugged.? Think of your mother or you carrying your brother and your sister on your shoulders, like Atlas carrying the world on his shoulders. And what do you want to do? They keep bearing down. The more that you give them, the more they push down on your shoulders. What do you want to do? You want to?

Yeah, you want to shrug, right?

So the book is fabulous. It turned many people's lives around, including my own. She gives you a rational moral philosophy.

What I would focus your time on though is your kids, what is possible. Your older brother, the joyous relationship with him. Focus on the good in life because that is something Kathy that you do have control over.

That's true.

And then recognize the nature that you cannot force your brother or your sister's mind or your mother's mind, but you can live your life. You can reach out to them and then live your life joyously. Listen, thank you so much for the call.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Once upon a time, there was a quiet little village in the French countryside whose people believed in tranquility?tranquility. If you lived in this village, you understood what was expected of you, and if you happened to forget, someone would help remind you.

And that's from the movie Chocolat. And if you feel like you're living in a village where you can't speak your own mind, you can't be yourself, you can't pursue your own goals because it's not what's done in that village?or maybe it's not a village, maybe it's in your home. It's not what's done with mom and dad. You can't pursue your own dreams. You can't pursue your own goals when mom and dad have different goals for you. How dare you even think that after all they've done for you?

If you're trapped in that sort of a situation, think again. Definitely get the movie Chocolat. That may help you tease apart what you desperately need to tease apart in order to enjoy your life, which is understanding and recapturing that sense that this is your life. To enjoy reasonably, rationally?rationally, rationally?with responsibility. Doesn't mean you shirk responsibility without stepping on other people, not rebelling, but really truly embracing your own life and enjoying it to the hilt.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

We've all had the experience of seeing people dressed in dumpy clothes with unattractive hairstyles. We may think, if only they made the most of their appearance, how nice they could look. If you've been to a high school reunion and seen what some formerly attractive classmates let happen to their looks, you may have recoiled in shock thinking, I can't believe they let themselves go like that.

Try an experiment. Take a careful look at yourself in a mirror. If your ideal romantic partner were to meet you now, what would be his or her first impression? What would your posture, clothes, and grooming reveal about you? What sort of person would you like to attract? What changes in your appearance would make this more likely?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.